Update
SD turned 16 last week. I was really struggling because DH wanted to move forward with our plan to take her to spend the night in a hotel in a big city, even though she had "moved out" and blown him off and ignored him for weeks prior. We had booked rooms for her and a friend and for ourselves before everything blew up, and he felt like it was important to go I decided I needed to support him, so we went last weekend. All was fine, SD was pleasant and we had a pretty good time. It is easy to get along when you are doing literally everything she wants. She is actually a pretty smart and funny person. The day after we got back, she actually texted "me" to see if I was home because she thought she forgot something in my car and she even came to the backyard to let me know she was there and she found it. Normally she never texts me or responds, and she is usually in and out without speaking unless I happen to be in her path. So I considered that progress. However according to DH, the rest of the week it has been radio silence. As much as *I* find it peaceful without her drama, it does not feel right for her not to be around. It's not supposed to be this way, and it's not what I wanted. I know he is hurting, and it hurts me too. I wish things were not this way. Just on my mind tonight
I think DH has to consider
I think DH has to consider this "the new normal", and be thankful that his daughter is still speaking to him at all.
My SS19 was alienated 4 years ago at 15 and we didn't see him again until about 8 months ago, when he was almost 19. Thanks to BM's crap permissive parenting, he did very poorly in high school. DH is very disappointed in him and who he's turning out to be, and at first tried to push him in certain directions or bring up his concerns, etc. Of course, SS isn't having any of this, he no longer has to listen to DH as a parent, whether DH likes that or not. He's just now, I hope, starting to just spend time with SS and accept him for who he is.
It's been really hard for DH to let go of the idea that he has to shape and guide SS, who is 19 and lives with BM, who still allows him to do whatever he wants. But this is reality. DH married a controlling woman who cut him out his son's life and removed him as a parent. He can either refuse to accept that and drive SS away, or he can figure out how to build a different kind of relationship with his adult son.
Your SD is still a minor, so DH feels like he should still have parenting authority, and the time he was awarded under the CO, but he doesn't. He too married a controlling woman who is a permissive parent and she has taken away his ability to be an effective father. He needs to treat this as if she's moved out at 18 and his ability to parent her is different now.
He's lucky she went on the trip and was so good to both of you. My SS would have refused to do that once he was alienated.
Thanks, yes, a new normal. I
Thanks, yes, a new normal. I think if things hadn't been rocky with her for a few years, and then with the way her moving out happened, this wouldn't feel as difficult. I feel guilt in that her and I have not really had a relationship in a long time, and also that I was a catalyst in DH starting to push back on some things. But the other side of me says that I have a right to have expectations in my home, and nothing I have ever asked for has been unreasonable. I have just not been geared toward accommodating and catering to SD at all times. I hope the new normal can be better relationships for all of us, maybe some space will help. It's just strange to find things out after the fact, like she had a piece of art in a show at school this weekend....DH would have loved to have been included and invited to see it, and that kind of hurt makes it all harder to deal with. I totally understand why she would want to live at her mom's now, but I don't understand excluding her dad from her life.
Yes they are all good
As long as your are kissing there as*s. You can have a good relationship, with SD coming over to collect gifts., and getting money. And not tell her anything she does not want to hear. That might make your DH happy.? Buy remember she out of your house,
I have a feeling that is what
I have a feeling that is what it will be. I am going to try to give him space to do what he feels he needs to do, but I hope he isn't going to go overboard in trying to buy her back. This last week I haven't seen that, to my knowledge they haven't talked much. I feel like he is seeing it for what it is.