Warnings and tips for those about to become step-parents
I think it would be great if we could share the things we sacrifice, the dreams that have to change, etc, when you marry someone with kids. I think it would be a big help to people who have no children, but are in relationships with partners that do. I looked for that online before, and couldn't find it. And I'm sure we all know things now we didn't hvae a clue about before. Let's help some people out with what we have learned.
Become devil spawns
Become devil spawns post-marriage. YES, YES, YES.
When I think back how DH and I used to feel so lucky for having this wonderful stepfamily experience, I could slap the old me. It turned into a unmitigated disaster.
YES! I thought the same
YES! I thought the same thing-we blended when ss was 1, my dd was 2, and my ds was 9 months old. I thought how awesome it was that we did it when the kids were so young-and they'd all be raised the same and we'd have a lifetime of bliss and wonderful stepfamily happiness. hahahahah!
Other stupid things I thought:
I thought that ultimately I would have the most influence on my ss due to the sheer amount of time I spent with him-it very significantly ouweighed either dh or bm. In fact if you took their time with him and added it together it still probably only equaled 1/4th the amount of time I spent with him. What really happened is that he took all that time to gather ammunition-so that he could reject every single thing i liked or believed in.
I thought that my dh would actually care how his son turned out. He doesnt. He just wants to chose the path of least resistance-in other words giving the kid whatever he wants and holding him accountable for nothing.
I thought that my dh would respect my parenting thoughts since a)I was a parent to two other children b)I am a therapist-in reality-he acts like everything I suggest regarding ss is some sort of evil plot to destroy him.
Never believe your
Never believe your SO/soon-to-be-DH when he says "BM and I have an amicable relationship". It will NEVER be amicable once he has another permanent partner (ie you). Our BM turned into a psycho almost the minute he announced my existence.
Completely agree. I should
Completely agree. I should have run when he said that on the first date....She turned out to be a bitch the minute she figured out we were getting married. Amicable, my ass...
My Dh did warn me that he had
My Dh did warn me that he had a "psychotic" ex(baby mama). I thought she was just bad when they were going through the breakup.
I assumed four things that were wrong:
1. That they had ONE breakup (they had many, which is why, I believe she always thought she'd get him back. She had his CHILDREN after all.)
2. That he was exaggerating how crazy she was.
3. That she would eventually get over it (13 years later and she is not over it).
4. That once she found someone else (another meal ticket) that she would lose interest in messing with OUR lives. Well, it took her 11 years to move on. She got preggo right after SD's child was born (weird - although I always said that once the skids neared 18, she'd get preggo again for MORE MONEY!!!) and roped THAT guy into marrying her (FINALLY!! And now she'll get ALIMONY TOO!). But that STILL didn't make her go away - although it did calm her down, some.
But she was SOMEwhat stable, even when told about me by DH, until she realized that I wasn't going ANYWHERE. In fact, the last time he was in her house, he told her that he was leaving to go see me and that he wasn't coming back and wasn't going to be with her. She gave him a bitchy laugh and said, "You'll be back. You always are." She was wrong. THAT is when her devil horns came out, her head started to do 360s and pea-soup vomit started spewing from her mouth.
It got worse once we married. It got worse once we bought a house (both things she tried and failed to get him to do with HER). We never had more kids but I KNOW it would have got worse then! Hell, it got worse when I bought myself a different CAR!!
Accept the fact that these
Accept the fact that these kids are never going away. They truly are a part of our lives forever. Sooner that is accepted the easier it is.
Also, your expectations of your children will not be shared by your spouse. No matter how reasonable your parenting plans are and how much your SO is in agreement when you are dating. When you move in, they will completely change and you are left to figure out how to parent different children from different parents in the same house....This is why we disengage in the first year and rarely come back.
I think Auteur wrote an
I think Auteur wrote an ebook...available on Amazon
Shameless Self Promotion
Shameless Self Promotion Alert: My book on Amazon.com called "The Guilty Parent Trap"
Oh - I just thought of
Oh - I just thought of another one, reading Draco's. Never think that because you have raised your bios to be decent, productive members of society, to adulthood, that you have been there, done that, and can easily cope with SKIDS! WRONG!!! Biggest mistake of my life to think that!
Here are a few of my biggest
Here are a few of my biggest mistakes:
1. Thinking that as a DIVORCED single parent; EVERYONE parented on an "as is" basis like I did (as if we were not divorced and no special pity party was involved; parents still called the shots not over each other but over the children.)
2. Thinking that because I was the breadwinner and literally got the shaft in two divorces that the courts hadn't changed and still gave the BM the shaft. Far from it. Since the mid to late nineties, the BM is GOLDEN!! Truly my ex hubbys got off UBER LIGHTLY!!!
3. Thinking that SO would be appreciative of all the sacrifices I made on his behalf and all the trouble I bailed him out of (legal/CPS/IRS) that the BM stirred up.
HA!!!
I love my DW and would still
I love my DW and would still marry her if I could go back in time, but I would handle her kids VERY differently. As in, I would disengage immediately and not waste my time, energy, and money trying to be a father to them. They already have a father, and he ain't me!
1. Not only will the physical
1. Not only will the physical and emotional NEEDS of the skids always come first (which they should), but their every whim will come first.
2. It does NOT "get better" or "go away" then they grow up. That "divorced daddy guilt" will follow your dh forever and the skids will keep your bank account low and your stress level high.
3. You will never really be a family because your dh won't let it happen. Whether on purpose or unintentionally, he will let the skids see that invisible "line of separation" that alienates you from him and his devil spawn.
I'm going to stop now because this is not starting my day on a positive note. I could write you a book though. I might...write a book. The title would be something like "DON'T DO IT! RUN LIKE HELL! SAVE YOURSELF!"