I've been reading alot about disengagement but I currently can't do that. When ss12 comes round he causes arguments between my husband and I usually by shit stirring or being so disrespectful to me that the house ends up being tense.

Everytime he's here I end up locking myself in the bedroom to avoid confrontation or any form of encounter with him the kid is a brat! 

What makes it worse is his demon mum allows him to misbehave and regardless what DH says he only behaves when there are others around.

Hello StepTalkers!  It's been a couple of months since I posted and I hope you're all doing well.  I suppose I took a little break from venting here because I was trying to make a grand effort to stay on the positive with my relationship with Mr. Ed and completely disengage from SDs, ya know?  But...I woke up this morning with so much resentment, frustration, and anxiety about this situation and I knew exactly where to go for support and clarity.  In advance, thank you so much for this space and the experience you all bring to it!

Where We Were

Letter to the biological father and mother. 

I’m sorry. But she’s just not my kid. 

Everything she does reminds me that we do not share the same DNA and my “attitude” is not rubbing off on her. 

I can’t say I didn’t try. I tried from the age of 6 thru 11. The influencial ages were already taken and unfortunately was ingrained the attitude that I have no control over. 

Ever since I married my husband, every time I speak to my mother she asks me, “how are the kids?” I do not have (by choice) any children of my own. My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage. My husband has shared custody of these kids, but their primary residence is with their mother who lives about 15 minutes away from us. It’s really annoying that my mother always asks me about the kids. They are not my kids!!! They have a mother that they live with mostly and a father that is very present and active in their lives. I’m not their mother! I don’t want to be their mother!

    So the first time I had the skids back around for Christmas was something that was giving me bad anxiety for weeks before it happened, BUT I stuck to what I said to DH and just completely backed off from parenting his terrorists. If I saw him struggling I would help him every once in a while out if the kindness of my heart, but the majority of the time I just hung out with my daughter and laughed internally as his kids threw fits all up and down the house and wouldn't listen to a word he said. Now I think he's starting to realize what a pain in the ass his kids are!!!!

SD13 barely says an original thought during her two weekend visits a month at our house. She barely says anything at all. And it is wonderful. 

It is like I don’t even have a SD anymore. That’s DH’s daughter, and that’s it. DS is referred to as “her little brother”, but I’m not even worried anymore about her being a bad influence because my DS is smart and I’m wise to who SS13 is slowly becoming.

I don’t go to her extracurriculars (what few there are). 

I don’t make much conversation beyond polite small talk. 

So the action part of disengagement is going fairly well - not trying to fix things or parent SD, spending way less time with her since she does an after school program instead of being babysat by me. It's made me a lot happier and less resentful since I dont need to bend as much of my life to suit her. I still find her incredibly obnoxious when she is around but its much easier to tolerate for shorter amounts of time.