I always tell myself to blog on this site but the amount of events that happen to me in relation to StepLife are so vast that I am unable to find time to sit and document it

Today, I am in a really dark place. Actually its been a few months but I think today may be that I am in a deep hole....Kind of where I was back in 2017 after experiencing physical and mental abuse from OSS22 (a teenager back then)

I am sitting in bed after work....I took a nap...while napping, my husband was next to me talking to his ex wifes son.

Backstory:

This all started 16years ago....

BM1 cheated on my husband with his friend who was a heroin addict(welcome to the Jerry Springer show) and living with them while my husband was helping him get on his feet. One day my husband came home from work and she was gone with the kids and Heroin Addict + all the furniture. She filed for divorce and moved across states and cities in hiding. My husband was tracking the children through school enrollments and it took him 9months to find them.

After a year of elopment and filing for divorce from my husband, BM1 got pregnant with HeroinAddict child and had a shotgun wedding while 6months pregnant. Five months later, she called my husband and asked him to help her have Heroin Addict removed from the home as she was filing for divorce. My husband made up with his friend Heroin Addict after he saw his state (hadnt been bathing and addiction got worse)...He wished him well and dropped him off to the Greyhound to go back to his family. A few days later, Heroin Addict shot himself in the head in a hotel room where he was fueling his habit. 

By this time, my husband was able to get visitation and BM1 was sort of engaging with him (desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose). My husband would pick up his children but her child would feel left alone so he started picking him up as well out of pity and feeling bad because his father passed away.

The child was a REAL PIECE OF WORK. You could say he is definitely the product of addiction although they claim that his mother did/does not do any drugs only the father.

So of course, this brings us to the current situation

I meet my husband and he tells me he has 2 kids in the beginning (or at least that is what I understood). A few months later as we are dating, I randomly bring up the fact that he has 2 kids and he corrects me saying that he has 4kids....Im shocked and sort of taken aback. 4kids....That IS a lot for someone like me in their mid 20s and no children/exes. I voice my concerns but he says "dont worry, my kids are happy with their mothers and I have no plans of changing our agreement".

I finally meet the children as we are coming close to becoming officially engaged and married. I count 5....who is this extra child? I am told he is BM1s child that is sometimes picked up with his siblings so he doesnt feel left out. Oh ok....not a problem

He then stages this thing where his kids beg me to marry him and be with him as some sort of cute proposal...I thought it was cute at the time how the children came as a group and were begging for me to say yes. I was extremely hesitant but who can say no to the face of angels (or so I thought) who seem to really love me for their dad

WRONG

The first official visitation after this, we went swimming at a lake. I was holding water and giving it to the children. HeroinAddictChild asks for some water and I oblige. He then opens the container and dumps it in the water to my shock and horror....I look at him and ask why would he dump our drinking water in the lake on a hot summer day? And he smirks and giggles. I ask him sternly to hand me the bottle back but he throws it...I am upset and annoyed but think maybe this is just a child so I say firmly quit playing with drinking water or else we are going home and no more swimming. 

We are on our way back and drop them off....20min later, BM1 calls and has a fit of rage calling me all kinds of names and saying that I threatened to drown her son and i was going to kill him. I explain that I never did that and my husband seems to believe me but tries to appease BM1. BM1 says no one should tell her child what to do because he is a baby and doesnt know any better (5years old at the time). I capitulate and say ok

Over the years, the child grows up to be more and more problematic and whenever we tell him anything, his response is "you arent my dad/mom"

We are now married and the child comes over whenever he is bored or doesnt want to be alone without siblings or BM1 is out and about. The child constantly lies and acts up. I finally tell my husband that I am no longer comfortable being left alone with the child because he constantly lied about me. I helped him shower once and he told his mother later on that I was looking at him while he was naked in the bathroom...I was very uncomfortable with this accusation

My husband also started believing things here and there. While he would be at work, i would be left with the children sometimes and would have to punish bad behavior. I would often punish HeroinAddictChild in Time Out or remove video games

HeroinAddictChild is now 16yo...He has indulged in drugs since 12yo and smokes weed every day. I have tried to make 2 CPS reports but I was told that the child was not in danger and his mother was not responsible for him indulging in drugs although she and her brother provide drugs regularly.

BM1 has had a string of men in and out of her life and is now broke after a decade of sex work and pornography (apparently it does not pay enough) so they live off hot pockets and macncheese. No groceries, no job. Also the child hasnt ever been in school properly and has no life skills (like his 2 other siblings)

I do not want to have HeroinAddictChild around and I dont like him at all. I feel that because he isnt my husbands bio child, it shouldnt be our problem and let BM1 raise him. He creates a lot of issues within the family and household but my husband thinks its all my fault and I am hateful to his children

After 10years, I cannot add more burden to my heavy load. My husband has yelled and insulted me because I made disparaging comments when he came over for Spring Break with BM2s children. BM2 also does not like him and doesnt want her children around him. I saw him arrive and said "BM1 isnt going to parent for Spring Break I guess"...

Spring Break has been a disaster because my husband continued to push my buttons and argue me because I called him "BM1s son" and he said i should refer to him as his son...

Now my husband has asked me to move out or rent my own place and leave him parenting in peace because he wants to help out HeroinAddictChild by moving him in...Ironically, all his bio children are now aged out except the last one who is 15yo...When OSS22 (his sibling) moved in with us, I nearly lost my mind... BM1s children are very uncouth and love conflict and opposition

I am very annoyed but I understand that I have no place in this household...Anyone can replace me....Even the love child of a Heroin Addict and a Sex Worker....

I devoted a decade of my life to a hateful family...

Of course, I wont move out...I didnt work all these years to have a home and a life so someone elses child can come around and move in

I also realize that my husband has 0 love for me....He has told me that he doesnt want to end the marriage "only because of how long it lasted" but he wants me to be on board and supportive in his "parenting" of someone elses child. BM1 is thinking of moving to a cheaper city. She gets life insurance money and annuity for HeroinAddictChild but its only $900.00 and she gives him money here and there which he uses to buy drugs/uber to drug spots... 

I believe my husband is deeply in love with BM1 and would like to support her and keep a bond with her by helping with her child. He claims its untrue but lets be honest....Which man would take care of a child who belongs to a cheating friend/ex? He puts more energy with this child than his own biochildren

He spend 4 days arguing with me but the YSS15 is sitting outside in the garage completely alone every day while he hangs out with HeroinAddictChild16

Idk where im going with this....is this normal? My husband claims I am crazy to refuse that HeroinAddictChild16 is his "adopted son" (not legally because BM1 wouldnt get life insurance/annuity for the child) and I should get with the program. They also say that the child was there before me and I dont matter....

I know this is all a mess and I wish I could see a solution out. I am the architect of my own misery and I have no one else to blame but myself