Need help w/11 year old stepdaughter
Hello everyone
I have been searching the web for any advice I can find to help me with my situation. I have been seeing my (fiancé) for 4 1/2 years. We have lived together for the past 2 years. His children were 7 (girl) and 9 (boy) when we met, now 11 and 13. The kids live with us half the time and that schedule has not changed. Until 6 months ago, all was well. I had great relationships with both of them. I have no idea what happened that changed things. My relationship with the 13 year old boy is still great. But the 11 year old girl has completely shut me out of her life. She completely ignores me and only talks to me when I ask her a question and even then I get the most quick and short response. There are times she pretends she doesn't hear me just so she doesn't have to talk to me. She can be laughing and having fun and I make eye contact with and her smile is gone from her face. I don't know if I have done something to make her mad or if she is jealous of my relationship with her dad. I find it weird that things were good and after 4 years, now they are not. I have read many posts where stepmoms have dealt with this type of behavior, but it usually happen from the onset, not after 4 years.
A few weeks after noticing the behavior change, I tried talking to her about what was wrong. Was she mad at me? Would she tell me if I had done something to make her mad? I only got shoulder shrugs and things seemed to decline from there. Her dad tried talking with her and he got nowhere.
I know that I have taken her rejection personally and I know I have to deal with that on my own. I am seeing a counselor. I have not had much luck talking about this with her father as he thinks "I need to get over it and be the adult". He is in my opinion the typical guilty divorced dad. I feel the more bothered I have gotten the more protective of her he has become. Now, he tries taking her with him when he needs to run an errand to avoid us being together. Outside of her ignoring/disrespectful behavior, she is not a bad kid that is out of control or anything. I think what hurts the most is that I do love her. She has a mom and I do not want to replace her, I just want to be her friend, but right now she wants nothing to do with me.
I will listen to any advice any of you are willing to share. I am very lost as to what I need to do to help the situation.
Amy
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Hi Amy and welcome!!!
hmmmm...if u truly can't think of anything you may have said or done to upset SD11, its probably one of two things....hormones, which I doubt,,,,or something the BM may have put in her head....in my case...BM told skids so many lies about DH and I and our relationship that I could always tell when they had an "attitude" toward me that she was starting her crap again....also...the closer it got to our wedding the more withdrawn the younger one seemed to get....actually,,,I think every child secretly wishes on some level that their parents were still together, maybe she is going thru the realization that her dad is going to marry u and that will be the end of her hopes of her parents reconciling. In any event...if that is what it is...she will accept it thru your love or she will choose to align with the BM....either way, it will be her choice,,,,JMO...if it continues and worsens,,,I would push for counseling....
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Welcome...
nad I agree with Lotus...PAS. Go to www.PASkids.com this will help you to understand!
I question with this. I
I question with this. I know that my future husband talks bad about heir mother in front of them and they are frequently in the middle. We have had many talks about this. I have asked SS (13) if their mom talks bad about their dad. He says "no" that his mom usually doesn't mention their dad or only talks nice aobut him. If it is PAS, does this happen with only one of the children? My SS and I have a very good relationship and I see no resentment from him in regards to me. He is however a more open and accepting child. SD (11) is more emotionally immature/insecure and does not deal with problems and change well.
Thanks for the link. I will check it out.
It can! Usually the
BM will pick the easiest one to manipulate.
BM relationship
Until the problem started, I had really tried to keep my distance from the BM because the two of them do not get along and I didn't want to end up as a go between. I am starting think that decision was not the right one. I have recently started making a point to be positive and make positive comments regarding their mother to make sure the kids know I do not resent and/or hate their mother and in no way want to replace thier mother. I am afraid however that I may have started too late. I need to talk with my fiance about talking bad about their mom. He does it constantly and this may be a big part of my problem. He needs to stop! It is easier for the kids to be mad at me instead of their dad even though their dad is the one making the comments. I know it bothers both kids tremendously and regarless of whether it has anything to do with me and how my SD is treating me, it isn't fair to them to put them in this position. My parents are still together and I can not even imagine how hard that has to be to hear your dad always badmouthing your mom.
I will say...
That 11 was the beginning of a formerly adoring SD turning on me. Mine has emerging borderline pd, which BM likely has (never got a definitive dx.)
But I agree that teen girls are very hard, and if they are insecure and unsure of themselves or of their relationships with all their parents, they can one day wake up and decide it's ALL SM's fault. Easy scapegoat I'm afraid, and anyone they cry wolf on that to, will no doubt nod and sympathize and validate how they feel about you.
It's a tough world in SM hood, but I think teen SD's can lead to the greatest walk through eggshells of your life.
My biggest suggestion? Is to offer an ear as to what's changed, but if she doesn't want any part in improving things, then I would take a tough love approach and just do what's good for you. I don't recommend putting her moods above anyone else's best interest. Tried that for several years, and now the house revolves around SD (in SD's mind to a great degree, but also in that her illness feeds a constant state of drama and chaos in our home.)
Hugs and goodluck.
How did you handle the
How did you handle the discussions with your husband when things turned rocky with your SD? My FH is very defensive and in my opinion the typical guilty divorced dad that doesn't want to do anything to upset his little angel.
It has been a long 6 months for me already.
BTW - Are things any better today in your situation? I am looking for some light at the end of the tunnel
Well..
BM has a personality disorder, not officially diagnosed except through SD's psychologist who was the only mental health professional to ever get a glimpse into BM's mind.
SD now has been diagnosed with Emerging Personality Disorder, Nos. We are still trying to get an official diagnosis, but live in an area where the professionals haven't caught up with the experts on PDs in the field yet.
All that being said, DH was always open to discussing SD's issues because some of them manifested so much like BM's that he was already open having had to deal with her insanity during the 15 years they were together (college and deployments kept them a couple, as BM is best at long distance relationships- which explains a lot about her and SD's mutual yet not ever voiced agreement to never hardly see each other, to tell each other "I love you" "I miss you" a few times on the phone each week, etc. They are both able to have "virtual" relationships over interpersonal ones.
SD had very obvious issues all along to me, but some DH had to observe himself after seeing her interact with my sons, and with me. Since BM, DH and SD were pretty much the only people to interact all together during their marriage (BM made every attempt to isolate both of them, but DH in particular, even from his family.) So DH didn't get the window in to SD's behavior til he had relatively normal family interactions to observe.
Things have not improved with our relationship, but aren't as bad as they were for over a year when I totally disengaged. SD was used to me trying to bend over backwards to make her happy, and she did not like me setting normal boundaries so she rebelled and turned on me further. This was also when she totally split from BM, by arguing and threatening BM with running away any time they had more than a day together. As a result, BM took a job claiming she works every weekend so she would get out of EO weekend visits.
There is so much to tell you. But regardless if you are dealing with borderline behavior, the books are still helpful that helped me.
They were "Stop Walking on Eggshells"
And the sequel book- "Borderline Essentials for Families."
I also found "Stop Negotiating with Your Teen" very helpful too.
As far as DH, perhaps when you read some of those dynamics of how to neutralize negative relating behaviors, you can also find a way to approach him that's non-threatening. I know my exH has never been able to find that place with his wife regarding 1 of her sons in particular, and now my sons are both with me full time because they can't agree on how to handle all the kids.
One piece of advice I have that not everyone will agree with but-
I stopped telling myself I was responsible for this family blended. I let go of the dream/fantasy that we will ever truly blend. I hold onto my loving husband when I feel I can't take a minute more, and I dive into my own Biokids, regardless if SD feels left out. She does too. She uses my mothering of the other kids against me, turning it into my inability to love and care for her. It's not true, b/c I did for the first several years, even putting myself, my marriage, and my bio kids 2nd to her needs. When I realized that she didn't appreciate it anyway, but felt entitled to it, I stopped. And that's when she abandoned any attempts at working with me on our relationship.
Sorry if this is a disjointed ramble. If you have time, read through some of my old blogs. The details of my process, my path on this difficult journey are there.
Goodluck.
Mood Swings
I am currently dealing with this with my 12BD - I have sole custody so her BF has nothing to do with it. One day she hates me the next she is my little girl again.
Have you tried talking to your SS? Just go about saying how much she is hurting you and is there something that you have done to upset her. Siblings seem to know whats going on more than any other adult.
I feel maybe its a mixture of both, Maybe BM, Maybe wishing she could be there more often. Maybe just confused.
Mood swing comment
If this is a mood swing, it has been going on for 6 months now and I only have the "bad" days. No good ones to balance it out. I so not think I would be as upset if that was the case. I have not talked with SS as of yet. I didn't know if I should involve him as he is only 13. Might be a good idea however. SD does trust and rely on him.
Thanks!
Wedding?
Are you making wedding plans? Because my SD adored me, until we actually got married. It was downhill from there :(. But please don't give her too much power over you - or she will use it-!! Sorry dear
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2We have not yet made wedding
We have not yet made wedding plans. We were ready to but then all of this started happening. In my head I know I am giving her power, but emotionally I am having a hard time not letting her get to me. The rejection has really rocked my world.
Stay strong
She is a child. She does not get to dictate who her dad marries, if there are siblings, etc. That is not a stepchild issue, it is an every child issue. No child gets to choose their family members so don't get drawn in that she is a special case, because I am sorry, she isn't. IMO. Don't give her power inappropriate to her age or there will be more hell to pay.
She will become like my SD, who thinks they are an adult and equal to you, when the truth to me is, she will never be my equal. Not like I am so great, but that I will always be, her ELDER. And therefore she will NEVER have my perspective or experience, because I was born before her. I was raised to respect my elders but today that seems to be optional! or that you have to earn respect somehow<
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2respect
No matter what caused your SD's attitude it has to stop. No child adult or otherwise should be allowed to be disrespectful to their elders. You need to demand respect from her. No shrugs no attitude.
If she doesn't want to talk that's fine but loose the attitude or she should be punished. No TV etc. It needs to be stopped or it will continue into teen years and adulthood. I've seen it and lived it. My kids don't dare talk to me or give me attitude even in thier 20's, because I always demanded respect. I have been demanding respect from my stepkids for 12 years. I get it but their father doesn't, so I now have to be the one who deals with them, even as of late as they just ignore their father most of the time.
And the badmouthing of either parent in front of the kids needs to end too. You will find after she can't watch tv, listen to music, use her cell phone etc you will see a different attitude. Don't yell just explain that until she can communicate to you without an attitude she will not be allowed pleasures. You don't give a darn what is going on in her head (it's hormonal to be sure) but on the outside she needs to behave and react politely with others including you or this could end up being one nasty teenager. And when you give out a punishment for it don't give in, if no TV for a week, keep it the whole week, and let her know if the attitude gets worse so does the punishment. If she pulls the I don't want to come here anymore oh well, you can't give in or she won't change. My girlfriend is going through this with her 12 year old daughter and I see her giving in to her, allwowing the attitude and the 12 year old is only getting worse.
I will never forget the one and only time I was disrespectful of my mother. I remember where I was and who was there, I was 12. I was in our livingroom watching TV and my sarcasticness to my mother was not acceptable and I got a good openhanded slap across my face. Until the day she died I never ever talked badly to her, no matter what.
I don't condone that kind of punishment but I think at the time it fit the crime.
Good luck and hugs.