PAS Question
I do not have proof but we suspect this is going on. What things can be done to help reverse the "brain washing" if it is going on. I am at a loss.
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I do not have proof but we suspect this is going on. What things can be done to help reverse the "brain washing" if it is going on. I am at a loss.
Comments
How old is the child?
How old is the child?
SD is 11
SD is 11 years old. Am I correct in saying that PAS affects the step parents as well?
At 11, there still may be hope.
Get the book, "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard A. Warshak
There is a section on combatting it, called "Poison Control".
For a lot of us, it is too late, as our kids are well into their teens- you may still have time!
And in answer to your question, PAS DEFINITELY affects the relationship with the Stepparent as well. In fact the BM in my case destroyed the relationship with me and her girls much easier than she did with their father because I was a STRANGER to them, so they had no frame of reference or birth bond with me.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Our situation is one that
Our situation is one that things were good until around January 2009. Things were down hill in my relationship with her very quickly and have continued to decline. There now appears to be a decline in her relationship with her father. Not all the time, but there are times we really feel she would rather just stay with her mom and wants nothing to do with her dad. His relationship with her changes day to day. We think the mother has played a role in this. Of course my FH (her father) has not helped the situation and is guilty of PAS too. He does say mean and hateful things in front of the kids about thier mom and I can see it bothers them. My counselor tells me that the problem between SD11 and I could be because of the mean hateful things her father is saying about her mom, but since he is her father and she loves him that it is easier for her to "hate" me instead. He has tried talking with her, her grandma has tried talking to her and she won't talk about what is bothering her. She just ignores me and wants nothing to do with me. She won't even sit by me in a restuarant. We are just recently starting to see her being weird with her father as well.
Thanks for the book advice. I will get that and read it.
I have told my husband numerous times to stop his negative talk about his ex. He will be good for a while and then starts in again. FH absolutely hates bio mom and they do not communicate well at all. I know this has to be stressful for the kids. They have both made comments to me over the years. I will keep trying to get FH to keep his mouth shut in front of the kids because I think he is really causing problems for all of us.
You're a smart woman
All the "experts" will tell parents that bad-mouthing/bashing the other parent in front of the child(ren) is the #1 "No-No" to make.
Even if the one parent is doing it, the other parent should resist the urge to do it back.
As you can plainly see, and as evidenced by what the kids have told you in the past, they absolutely HATE it when it happens (of COURSE they would!). After all, the parents may have very hard feelings toward each other, but the child(ren) still very much LOVE both parents (with all their flaws).
Please get that book and encourage your DH to read it. Highlight the parts about the bad-mouthing. And continue to encourage him to stop- it will only backfire on him in the end.
And let him know, that right now it IS backfiring- on YOU. YOU are now taking the heat, as a convenient target, for all the anger and hostility that his daughter has pent-up. She can't take it out on her FATHER, after all- she LOVES him. But YOU, a person she has no paternal bond with, YOU are the scapegoat for all that is wrong in her life.
And he needs to see the toll that it is taking on your relationship with his daughter.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Find out the truth
We had a similar situation when SD hit 13. Her attitiude suddenly changed. Very hostile, grades worsened etc. SD came home drunk when she was 14 and we found out the BM told SD that the reason the marriage failed was that DH gave BM a STD! Very untrue, reason marriage failed was the BM had a few affairs and actually becomed engaged to another man while still living with and married to DH!!
Unbelievable that BM would tell SD that - but she did. DH told SD how untrue and vicious the lie was but the damage was done. Thankfully, DH and SD have a good albeit codependent relationship now but those years were pure hell.
You must find out what has prompted this change and then address the issue. Good luck.
Glynne
I counter PAS with Facts. The manipulative crap crumbles when
exposed to the light of Facts. Don't bad mouth the blended family opposition, just counter their vitriolic crap with Facts and let the Skids watch them scurry to the dark corner like the cockroaches exposed to light that they are.
Don't wait, nail the crap with Facts immediately, consistently, often and with much gusto.
We have always been totally honest and fact based when our Son (My SS-17) has come to us with the "(BioDad/SpermGrandMa) said xyz and LMNOP" We just pull out the legal files and show him the appropriate document that states the facts clearly and let SS make his own mind up on the issue. Of course the Toothless Moron SpermClan does not like this, However, Facts are not good or bad they are just Facts.
When the mouth-piece-of-the-month for the SpermClan calls to register a protest about what we "told" the Skid about them we just say "If you had not lied when you told him XYZ and LMNOP you would not be embarrassed but the facts of the situation right now. We suggest that you just tell him the truth and don't lie to him. Facts are not good or bad they are just facts."
So, I recommend a zero tolerance policy for PAS/Manipulation/BullShit. If the blended family opposition even hints at this kind of crap beat the shit out of them with Fact.
Examples of facts that are very effective.
No, I did not leave your mother, she ran off with the Pool Boy and made Internet porn videos. Here is a copy of your mother's work if you would like to see that I am telling the truth. (age appropriate of course).
Yes, you Dad is in prison and will be getting out soon. The reason why you have never met him is that he is a crack head, child molesting, drug dealer. Here is the court records from his 9 trials and convictions over the years.
No, you do not have to leave your nice clothes at your Dad's for your half-sibs. Your Dad does not pay enough in CS to cover the cost of the clothes we buy for you. So, No your Dad does not pay for the nice things your Mom and I buy with the little in CS he pays. Here is the CS court order that shows what he pays.
I am sorry that your Dad did not want to see you for your usual winter visitation. No, he was not on a secret spy mission to Afghanistan. Here is the Private Investigator video showing that he was in fact shacking up with a new girlfriend and playing with her 9 children.
All hypothetical of course.
Kick their ass, hard, often and without mercy.
Showing mercy to the guilty is being cruel to the innocent so hold them accountable with facts.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I'm following Rags...
Rags... I'm following your advice.... Pulled out the Order for Child Support & showed it to BS last night! Pulled out receipt for proof last night too!! We'll see how this pans out....