Speak it woman!! Agree with this 10000%.

Somedays I can't believe I'm still kicking. Got in with a bad bunch and got scars to prove it. Should be dead but blessed to still be here. And made the CHOICE to be better. Not shitty. 

Happy birthday Aniki.  *drinks*

Wonderful post Aniki!

Words that I live by:

I am not my past, I don't live there anymore. 

Every second of every moment I am blessed with an opportunity to choose differently. I am not my past. I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. I have evolved and still learning in this beautiful journey called life. Nothing changes if YOU don't change and people don't realize that we have the power of choice. We have the ability to do & be different and break generational traumas. What we did once upon a time does not define us.

I think that we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and the choices we make.  I had a bad childhood that still affects me, but part of my recovery has been to differentiate between the choices I make and what happened in the past.  Otherwise, we're stuck in the victim mentality forever, and that's not a good place.

Tying it back to my SKids, it scares the hell out of me that while they are capable of self-reflection, they are totally unwilling to accept any personal responsibility for their actions.  SS10 misbehaves in class and it's because the teacher told him to do something he didn't want to do, not because he was being difficult.  He threatens a kid and it's the kid's fault because he made him mad, etc.  It's super disheartening for his future.

I hear a lot of people excuse their DHs that way too - "BM abused him so he's afraid to stand up to her or parent the kids".  Nope.  Not an excuse. 

I just adore you Aniki!

How can we make the world a better place if we just keep blaming our past for being a horrible person?

Preach!!! Don't be a koala in the rain!

So wait... By common logic... I can never trust a human being and be a paranoid crazy person for the rest of my life... Interesting...

Al seriousness though... STBX liked to say "the military made me like this." Funny how I know tons of military homies and none of them are "like this."

I think some people are born more resilient than others.  These aren't the people who openly blame their life choices on some one or something else.  The less resilient are those who end up self medicating or caught up in an endless cycle of victimhood and despair.  I thank my lucky stars everyday that I am resilient and I try to be understanding of those who aren't.  Life isn't as cut and dried as we would like it to be.

One of the last things my MIL said to me, before we went no contact with her 2 yrs ago, was that I had a victim complex.  I don't think I do, but I do insist on being treated with respect, which she didn't do, and when I spoke up about her behaviour towards me, she lashed out in true narc fashion with a label on me of "victim complex".  In fact the main thing that caused the huge fight between us, was that my DH's brother - ie MIL's other son - has mental health problems and uses these as an excuse for behaving like a total knob. I spoke my mind about this, after DH and I were ignored by him all evening after travelling 3 hours to attend a family reunion.   The rules of dysfunctional families being "don't feel, don't say anything" etc meant that I was expected to put up and shut up.  I didn't, and I didn't think that DH's brother's behaviour should go unchallenged, just because he blames it all on his depression.  Yes, I have depression too, but I don't treat people like shit because of it - I am still mindful of the feelings of others.  

To not wallow in despair is huge and hard, but even better is to learn from our past.  Being able to identify and deal with a toxic person has turned out to be a huge asset in professional life.  

YOU NAILED IT!

Love the positive vibe of your post, Aniki.

My DH is a great one for putting me in check whenever I start making excuses for someone's poor behavior. To him, life comes down to choices. He had a sh!tty childhood, but never plays the victim. He is also a fighter and a survivor. To him, it doesn't matter if a person had a bad childhood or cr@p parents or lost their dog when they were nine; they alone are responsible for their behavior.