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When people feel like the third wheel, what can they do? How can Dad make it so that NOBODY feels like the third wheel?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 12:46pm

I think many of us have felt like the third wheel when it comes to DH and SKs. And we know it is lousy.

But I think that when Dad "changes" and starts putting the marriage/relationship first, many kids will feel like the third wheel. They feel demoted. They feel like Dad does not love them as much as his spouse/GF/SO, and feel neglected.

So I guess my questions are, what do you think said SKs can do to handle their feelings about feeling demoted and like the third wheel, and questions about if Dad loves them as much as his new spouse/SO, and how can Dad make it so that NOBODY is the third wheel?

We talk all the time about how we can not feel like the third wheel, and how to handle that with our DHs/SOs. Reading some of the blogs here recently put those questions into my head.

Comments

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 1:58pm

Kids are not supposed to feel like they are "dating" their dad. Wives ARE. So if the kid feels like the 3rd wheel, it is only a symptom that there was something terribly wrong. I think dad needs to reassure their kids that they love them and pay a lot of attention to them in other ways that does not put them in the place of their wives, but otherwise, the kids just have to adjust to a more appropriate situation.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 2:07pm

^^^THIS. DH now realizes that he'd elevated SD14 to "adult" status when she was very young, treating her as an equal and allowing her far too much control and power. When he and I got into a serious relationship, he started putting me first, she got PISSED and was acting out more than before. DH wishes he would've parented her from the beginning and treated her as his CHILD.

It didn't help that he put her in the mini wife role after he split with BM. He allowed SD to pick out furniture and decor for his new apartment, calling it "theirs". He took her out on daddy daughter "dates" every Saturday. He held her hand everywhere, allowed her to sit on his lap all the time and I'm sorry to say, treated her more like he would a girlfriend than his daughter - which basically fed into her ego and fantasy that her daddy was hers alone and she'd never have to share.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 2:40pm

See, in my SD14's case, it's so twisted and warped that she ruled BOTH parents. She still gets away with telling BM what to do and of course, BM doesn't have rules or punishments so guess where SD resides now?

IceQueen's picture

Submitted by IceQueen on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 2:18pm

I once read an article that said everything perfectly, I will try to find it. It said that when parents get divorced, the kids are often treated with such kid gloves, that they feel the parents world revolves around them.

Imagine going to dad's house, and it being nothing but one-on-one time with him. Now mind you that in a functioning intact family, the kids get one-on-one time with dad every so often, but most of the time it is family time, husband and wife time, or chore/housework time.

Ina newly divorced family that gets all skewed. Often times dad wants kid to like being there, so there is no housework/chore time, there is no longer a shared "family-time" because the other parent is not there. There is no chore time, because dad will usually do those things when he doesnt have the kiddos. So it is always one-on-one happy fun time with dad.

Now when a new SO comes into the scene she is often scene as an outsider who is trying to take dad away. The kid no longer has happy-fun-time. The new "mean" stepmom, will often-times want to do family-time things or have designated housework/chore time.

It is not that the kids are being neglected, they are not used to the new way of life, that is basically a functioning normalcy. It is not that dad loves spouse/so more, but differently. And it is that spouse/so is now his partner in life and family.

It is hard for some kids to get used to, but it the best thing for these kids to be in a functioning family.

Blending a family can take over 7 years. It is about becoming a functioning family and not loving someone more or less.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 11:01pm

Yes, that says it perfectly.

Getting OH and the skids to realise that the daddy/skids funtimes all the time, where me and my dd's were non-existent on our skid weekends has been a battle.

Thankfully for the most part the 4 kids (his and mine) get along really well, and I think what is helping is that I do make sure he has a lot of alone time with them still, he may take a few hours after picking them up before bringing them home, and Saturdays I am busy with my kids and he with his, so we sort of all meet up late afternoon.

It is *starting* to work after living together about 16 months now. Also, he has come to realise that putting our relationship first - discussing things with me BEFORE making plans with them or agreeing to stuff with BM is the right way to go, making sure he spends quality time with me - even if it's just 20 mins of an afternoon - alone time where we catch up with each other with no distractions.