:? :? Pretty much in shock right now. Just had a weekend with DFH and SD8, SD4, SD4, BS19, BS11 & BD9 and I'm pretty much reeling about the way I was treated by DFH.

We live 5 hours from SKIDS & BM. BS11 & BD9 live with DFH & me full time, BS19 lives in same city as us in dorm at college, but stays over & visits frequently. We have had our share of problems and bumps in the road, but after living together for 1 1/2 years now, are doing good as a unit, including me, DFH, BKIDS. There are problems that come up, but we work them out. DFH helps out with BKIDS by taking part in their lives and really relates to BS11, which is nice because DEX is out of state. We are all generally happy in our everyday lives. That is until the SKIDS are in the picture. We see them once a month and spring break, Christmas, Summer Vacay because of the cost and distance of travel and the ages of the smallest ones and because of crazy BM had to make every single visit very challenging for DFH.

Anyway, DFH gets very anxious and particular about everything as we approach a parenting weekend where we have SKIDS. He wants every single moment to be a scheduled activity and absolutely amazing!!!!. He says he wants me there, but HE wants to give baths, HE wants to hold hands, HE wants to make them their food, HE wants to do everything, HE wants to decided what we do as a family (this includes my kids too). I very much understand that he is holding on tightly to these times with the kids because he doesn't get much time with them, however it is hurtful to not only our relationship, but the it is hurtful to my BKIDS as well. I don't really have much of an opportunity to bond with them and am looked at like a jerk if I try to discipline. With that many kids, there HAS to be discipline. After 1 1/2 years, it's gotten better, but this most recent visit has left me spinning. I honestly don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I even want to. I know that's AWFUL to say, but I am tempted to want to not have anything to do with these SKIDS anymore!!

This last visit happened to fall on my birthday, and it was 10 days before SD8s bday as well. We planned on having a party for SD8 because we won't be able to see her for her actual b-day. The day he went to get the kids, even though I was very sick, I spend the whole day baking, wrapping presents, and decorating for her party. We even spent the night before (our date night) shopping for her bday gifts. I was okay with all of this. While he was traveling to get them, I texted him that everything was ready to have the party when they got home, should have been around 7:30 pm (keep in mind the next day was my actual birthday). He freaked because he said he wanted to have the party on Saturday (my birthday) and stretch it out and enjoy it and make it last all day. To be clear, he was NOT suggesting we have a party for BOTH her and ME, it was to be just a day to celebrate SD8. My birthday would be celebrated another time. Well, I didn't like that idea at all and mentioned it. He said I was trying to make his PT about me and he had never met such a 'selfish grown up' before. He said I needed to suck it up and get over it. Now, for my bday, my BKIDS always make me breakfast in bed and we hang out and they dote on me and it's very sweet. BD9 particularly loves this ritual, which is repeated on Mother's day as well. I quickly began to get the feeling that instead of enjoy my birthday with my BKIDS & SKIDS and SFH, I would be enjoying it servicing my SKIDS and celebrating SD8s birthday.

I tried to put things into perspective and 'man up'. We exchanged rude text messages about the birthday, but in the end I finally decided to just do what he was asking. This party planned by ME, which included a craft and game, cupcakes, ice cream sundaes, dinner, started in the morning and lasted literally all day. DFH did start the day by telling me happy birthday and gave me some attention for about 5 minutes. I thought things MIGHT be okay! But alas, the rest of the day DFH literally ignored the fact that it was my birthday and did his best to stretch it out and make it completely about SD8 (almost 9). Throughout all of this there was tension between us and he basically ignored me all day. When I pulled him aside and asked him about it, he reiterated that it was NOT about me and had nothing to do with me and I wasn't even on his radar and he wasn't even going to think about me this weekend, just his kids. I guess this applied to my kids as well. I was hoping they didn't notice it, but after DFH and SKIDS left to go home today, BKIDS told me their feelings were hurt bc DFH didn't include them in any of the comments he made and instead was very hard on them and reprimanded them for things that he never usually does. For example, when SD4 grabbed a toy from BD9 and hit her in the eye with it, BD9 began to cry and said 'she hit me in the eye', his reply was, 'give me a break! She's just a little kid, it didn't hurt you!'. Uhhhh, really? Another time we drove by his new office which none of the kids had seen and he specifically said things to SD8, but did not include BD9 or BS11, like 'Look SD8, there's my new office' and 'See, look SD8, it's snowing!' and 'Look SD8, it's your ice rink' (which BD9 and BS11 had all spend hours building for SD8 the previous day.

This is just the TIP of the iceberg. When talking to SD4, I asked her to not smoosh her brother's head (SS4), she looked right in my eyes and said, 'My daddy yells at you'. Taken aback and slightly confused, I said, ' Oh, you mean your daddy yelled at you to be quiet?', she said, 'Hmmmph, NO, My daddy yells at YOU!' I guess implying here that even the 4 year old doesn't like me or have to listen to me because I am evil and he yells at me. His kids are reluctant to open up to me, and I'm sure it has to do with BM vibe and DFH not making sure they know MY place in the family. I am clear with BKIDS on this, they must respect him. This is not entirely reciprocated.

As with every story there are 2, 3, 4...10 sides and there is much more to it that this, but that's for another time. I'm at a loss. I do not know how to make this better and I don't think I can talk to him about it without him being defensive, I've tried. I want these kids in our lives and have in fact pushed for integration. Now, I'm wondering if I was too naive. Why is it working with my BKIDS and DFH, but not ME and SKIDS? What am I doing wrong? Am I wrong to want to cohesive family weekend vs me and my BKIDS scrambling around trying to please DFH and SKIDS? They may be DFHs 1st family, but I REFUSE to let me kids play 2nd fiddle. And REALLY? When did I become the EVIL Stepmonster? No thanks, I didn't sign up for that crap!

I honestly don't see a way out of this. SIGH! PLEASE HELP! :?