To go back and do it again, I wouldn't do it.
I'm 29 and don't have kids. So trying to have an opinion on how my Common-Law (CL) co-parents his kids is like trying to give advice on how to fly a plane! Obviously I'm not a pilot so that's the catch. I'm not listened to. I have isssues with how things are in the house and no way of fixing them or even dealing with them. I have no friends in my situation and of course trying to talk to friends and have them understand that I hate my stepkids is even harder.
My CL has 2 boys. When we met 2 years ago they were 6 and 8 and polite and well behaved. I didn't know any differnt, so it was a good idea when he mentioned we move in together since he was practially living at my house anyway. I thought every second weekend couldn't be that big of a deal. It's only 4 days a month. Well. Let me tell you it is 4 days of HELL. I don't like them coming. I am angry on Monday knowing that they will be coming to stay on Friday. They take up my whole thought process all week making me miserable. I know it's all a state of mind and I have the power and they are only kids and all that... but history shows that I am in for a world of disappointment for the weekends they are here. None of us have fun.
The oldest boy wets the bed. Doesn't seem to matter how much he drinks before bed, how often I get my CL to wake him up and take him to the bathroom.... he pees his pants. I told CL it's a problem he should try something different because 10 years old is getting a little too old for this and now I found he hid his dirty pants under the bed. Not cool. I ask CL what his ex does about this and he shrugs.. doesn't know, doesn't ask her.
He also has a reading problem. He is 2 years behind in reading. I asked about a tutor for the summer. That was ignored and now a new school year is starting and he is no better off than last school year yet 2 months have gone by.
The youngest boy is whiny and has most things done for him and doesn't seem to be taught much. He is lazy and coddled. He is 8 and just this summer started opening his own water bottle instead of asking for help. He can't tie a bow or cut his own nails. When it comes time to bring his stuff in from the truck when they get here on the weekend he runs into the house to pee knowing that gets him out of it then goes to his room to play with toys. Now I don't expect much. I don't need them mowing the lawn or doing dishes or housecleaning on their two days here... but darnit, they should be picking up after themselves and learning a thing or two every now and again!!!!!
I'm not sure if my problem is with the kids and their laziness or with my CL and his lack of want to show them things. He feeds them nothing but junk food and lets them eat as much for breakfast, lunch and supper as they can handle..... so it's not a wonder they are overweight.
I'm tired of feeling like my opinion doesn't count. I'm tired of tiptoeing around his kids feelings because it will embarass them if I say something, but in the meantime I AM ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!!! Those boys make a mess of the toilet each and every time they go. Pee all over the seat on top and under... splashes on the wall.... drips on the floor.... what the heck?!?!? To top it off, they are nose pickers and leave snot on stuff.. I lost it yesterday when I saw that. The youngest one got upset with me a couple weeks ago for telling him to get a tissue when I caught him picking his nose. I sat there later and cried. How do people deal with other peoples kids????? It's not like I asked him to go outside at 9pm and wash the truck!! He sat there knuckle deep in his nose and that isn't appropriate!!! I wonder what CLs Ex does. Does she let them get away with everything that I wouldn't??? How come she didn't get the older one a tutor??? How come they both sink like bricks because they were never taught to swim???? Why was last year the first time they ever had their eyes checked???? What happens when the older one wets the bed there??? Does he hide his pants every night??? Do they chew food with their mouths open there??? Do they make a mess and leave it behind there for someone else to clean??
I guess I'm just getting sick of it. I think more and more about moving. But by now, I know CL can't afford this house on his own and he'd have to rent again. I love him. I really do, but I'm torn between staying here and putting up with two kids I hate and moving out and forcing him to rent again.
What does everyone else do???
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Thank you very much for the
Thank you very much for the words and suggestions!! I had no idea until today that a site like this exsisted and I was at my wits end!!
You hit it bang on with your "not parenting" comment. He has mentioned before that what he wants and what "she" does when they go back home are two seperate things so why bother. I still don't know exactly what to do because I can't single handedly change CL, but hopefully some other suggestions from this site will at least get me closer to knowing.
Thanks again!
I can give you advice on the
I can give you advice on the peeing the bed issue. Get your CL to go to the pediatrician, they have a device that will buzz if he starts to urinate it will train him to get up. It works wonders. They also have bed wetting meds. A good doctor can help with this one.
On the mess they make--have the CL clean it up or pay for a maid.
The weekends there at your place, take a class, go to friends, go to a movie, go shopping, go do anything you love to give yourself something to look forward to.
During the week as they invade your thoughts only allow yourself 30 seconds to hate them with all your being. Then think of something good, some place you love, some happy memory, some plan you have. Do this every time they invade--only 30 seconds then let it go and think of something else.
Best of luck it is a very hard road!
Although I will try.... I'm
Although I will try.... I'm already positive that the suggestion from me (a non parent) to take his BS to the doctor to heal a problem he's had for 8 years will go unheeded. I know it sounds like I'm taking the "assuming" angle.... but history really does repeat itself and suggesting this will just lead to another "what do you know about kids?" fight.
We have a cleaning lady... I just think the kids should learn to clean up after themselves instead of leaving it for someone else. I don't imagine they will be welcome with me to my friends and families houses if what they leave behind is pee on the floor, wall and seat.
This weekend was the first weekend I actually got up and left the house two seperate days. It was better for me and probably better for them. If I'm here, they have to deal with being confronted on the hidden bed-wetting evidence and nose-picking. If I'm not here, there Dad won't mention it. I know he wants things to be fun when they are here since it is such a limited time... but ignoring disgusting habits just isn't the way to parent. I'm sure I have more fights ahead of me on that one.
It is a very hard road. I like that you can appreciate that. I find it's even harder to make the call on when enough is enough!!
Thank you!!
Hello, you are among friends!
Hello, you are among friends! My SD 10 is just as bad as these kids! Peeing herself during the day and at night, picking her noes and feet then trying to touch my 3 month old, messy, spoiled, treated like a little baby princess. Her BM does NOTHING. She teaches her absolutely NO manners or hygiene or how to do ANYTHING. She needs everything done for her. I disengage! Exactly like vickmeister suggested! Go out on their weekends. Find something fun that you enjoy that will make you look forward to that weekend. I unfortunately live with SD full time. Its hell. She seemed fine til we all moved in together.... Then sh*t hit the fan! If your SO will take kid to the dr do it! (mine won't) Of you can find a way to cope I would gladly give advice on any situation. But if leaving is what is right for you, don't waste time! Do it now. Best of luck. Keep us posted.
I honestly don't know how you
I honestly don't know how you do it fulltime. That was actually my deal breaker!! If CL had the kids more than he does now, there would have been no relationship!!!
It is a thought that crosses my mind often (to leave). But it's because I really love CL that I find that hard to actually do! It will put him through absolute hell if I move. We'll have to sell this house because he won't be able to afford it, he'll have to rent again, and probably go into more debt trying to pay rent, groceries and CHILD SUPPORT all by himself again. I say "child support" in capitol letters because before CL, I had no idea how devastating child support could be!!! It is a huge amount of money that will only get bigger!!! Plus paying for sports and other misc stuff!!! I guess it's hard to take the next step and move out because I don't want any bad to happen to CL. I just don't like his kids. I imagine I also don't like his Ex. I find she is a poor parent. Let the bedwetting go on far too long... not getting him reading help. Just leaving it to the teachers. Come on lady!! Pick up a damn book and read to the kid!!!
Thank you very much for the support and suggestions! I'll see how all this goes over when CL gets back from dropping off the monsters/kids.
How I've done it so far...
How I've done it so far... Disengage, vent on this site, give myself breaks, amd really enjoy the little victories here and there. I 100% understand about how hard it is. As much as I've wanted to and even at times should have left, I can't .. I love HIM despite his children. I don't have to love them, their behavior, or care for them. I chose him, not the skids. Hang in there! You are a wonderful SO and I hope that CL understands that!!!
"Obviously I'm not a pilot so
"Obviously I'm not a pilot so that's the catch."
Just because you aren't a pilot, doesn't mean that you don't know when something is wrong on the plane.
This right here is what we let people make us believe. Just because you didn't push a small human through your vagina doesn't mean that you don't know whats right for a child.
You are simply upset because the man you love has no idea how to raise his children so that they will be independent, clean people.
We have all been there. Its time to leave it alone and let it go. Its hard, so hard. However, its not your responsibility either. It only becomes your responsibility if CL lets you have input and doesn't disregard you each time.
Vick has it right, disengage. I don't do nearly the things that I did when I first started in this relationship. SO has had a lot of "seeing" to do to his own children. When you put yourself in the middle, you become the bad guy.
Thank you, thank you, thank
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Not only does your comment help with letting me know I do have an opinion... it actually made me laugh out loud!! True, I didn't push out a baby... but yes, I do know what is right and wrong.
It's only been 2 years for me in this situation (that's what I call it now... my situation) and since the beginning it has only gotten harder.
The kids aren't bad kids. They are well behaved and well mannered. They just lack proper parenting!! Seems both my CL and his ex would both rather ignore what isn't right and hope it fixes itself or just goes away!! I have a more direct approach to things and I think that also may be where our issues are.
I have already disengaged a lot since we first began, but now I find myself completely detatched to anything and everything kids when they come. This weekend was the first I left the house and didn't invite them with me. I need to be away from them. I can't change things their parents don't want to change and that is far to frustrating for me to watch. To see this young boy(10) cry because he got caught hiding his wet pants and know that his mom and dad still won't do anything different to try and change it or at least to save the poor boy some embarrassement.... is disheartening. His reading problem that is left for the teachers to fix because the parents "don't have time or want" to change or help... they didn't hire a tutor and there was a full summer of nothing planned!!!!!! I don't get it and probably never will. So yes now is the time to either accept that I can't change any of this or to leave. It will be a hard decision that will take time, but I've been thinking about it more and more this summer. Probably because we had them for a week at a time each time this summer.... that makes a person think a little harder!!!
I appreciate your help!!! Thanks and good luck to you too!!
It was mentioned before
It was mentioned before (earlier in the spring when we went to see a couples therapist) that the older one may be suffering from depression. Does this happen often in kids around the age of 10? He certainly fits the bill to me. Overweight, eats with "gusto", stutters with um a lot, wets the bed, behind in reading significantly in school, won't do things any further than 20 feet away from home like riding a bike or street hockey or rollerblading, watches tv for as long as he can until he's told no more, sleeps really really heavily.... I wonder sometimes. But CL doesn't seem to want to look into it. The more I type my thoughts into words I'm realizing my problem isn't with the step kids. I think it's with my CL and his lack of want to change anything for the better.
Seems I've gotten myself into quite the pickle here!!
Is childhood depression common??
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm in a similar situation. When my boyfriend's daughter wanted to move in with us, I was just happy and flattered she felt comfortable enough with me to make the move. I became so engaged in pleasing everyone else; in doing things for him and for her, that I totally forgot myself. Since then she's completely taken advantage of her dad and me in every way possible. Lying, stealing, you name it. " I hate you. Give me some money. Can you give me a ride to so-and-so's house? You suck".
I know how you feel. You feel like your life has been taken away because you have to worry about sharing your precious time and space with these ungrateful kids. You are too young for this crap.
Yesterday she needed a ride somewhere, and for the first time in her six months living here, I could have gone out of my way to drive her, but I chose not to. I went to garage sales with a friend instead. You know what? I felt really good about myself all day. From now on I am going to make an effort to disengage. She's not my kid. She's living here rent free... and she's not my responsibility. If she breaks something or causes a problem at the house, she must replace it. I'm not giving her any more skin off my back. These things are the responsibility of her dad and mom. Not me.
I think its possible your ss could be depressed... but I think the real issue for you is that your partner is not taking full responsibility for his kids. Naturally you want to make things better because you're a caring person... but it sounds like you may be on a sinking ship here. If he has shown no sign of wanting to improve things for you (hey, it's your house), I don't see why you should have to try so hard. Best of luck.
I would say what others
I would say what others posters have said. DISENGAGE!! you are so lucky you only have to see them 4xs amonth. I live with my skids full time.like others I used to do a lot more but after nothing chaninging I've stopped.my SS9 also wets the bed every night, throws his pee underwear anywhere. My SO also isn't the model example of a parent-basically single.parent because BM is in another state. He lets his boys do whatever they want. They do horribly in school,bad behavior, he lets play video games nonstop,stay up till 2am on weekends.go out and play with friends when their rooms are chaos, and constant sleepovers. He lets them do whatever and excuses their behaviors because they had a hard life --deadbeat mom. I disengage but now I'm at the point where I don't like my living situation and its. more.complicated because me and SO have a. 13month old together. What I do to cope is stay out of house as much as possible -work full.time,grocery shopping,visiting friends and. family. When I am home I stay in my room with the baby or take baby to the park,walk. If u truly love your CL then u can disengage .but if you never get your feelings out to CL you will start to resent him.
Had a HUGE arguement with CL
Had a HUGE arguement with CL about his parenting duties. I said more than I should have and he got defensive and it came close to me moving out. Had the kids this weekend and let me tell you the difference!! It was like he was a completely different person!! Had the kids bring books out to the fire to read in the evening, he reminded them to be more careful everytime he saw one going to the washroom about peeing in more places than just the bowl... played baseball outside with them in the backyard, had them mowing the lawn with them then took them for icecream for a job well done, showed younger SS to cut his own nails!!! I know this is all just post fight stuff, but this is the man I want to be with forever when he does this stuff!!! It was a great weekend and makes me look forward to more instead of dreading it!! I hope and pray CL stays like this without my constant reminding and nagging. He was responsible and fun and everyone benefited from that this weekend. Well done CL. Well done.