Go or not to go? - ss' b-day drama
My SS 7 is turning 7 next Weekend, it happens to be our weekend but I already smell trouble. BM is not contacting DH about the party; we know she is planning one. I was going to organize 2nd party at our house for SS, he does have a lot of friends (our friends’ children, neighbours etc. BM does not know them & will not let him invite these people). If we were all normal people (i.e. BM ) there would not be a problem, but I KNOW things will blow up in next couple of days.
First of all I have a feeling BM will not let DH take SS for the weekend. I am not sure now if I should invite any people over, if SS may not be with us.
The other problem is, please let me know if you think it selfish, but I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about DH going to BM SS’ party because I know she will be playing happy family in front every one there. WE know she still calls DH her husband, tells stories to people about “her husband this, her husband that…” DH asked if I want to go with him (the party is at the bowling alley) but I think he expected for me to say no. He says it is better for skids if we do not tease BM, and pick fights. But is it really good for us? I want make a statement to her that we are together (over a year), and she cannot control our lives. She flips out every time she sees us f.e. in a mall, asks skids 100 questions when they come back from us and then sends emails to DH about how stupid I am , that I cannot teach her kids anything, that I can’t cook, feed skids wrong foods, pack lunches wrong way, and everything should have been than by DH, not me because I am not the parent. DH does not care about those emails but he never stood up for me and said “she is doing great job and care for our children so shut up and get over it”… you know why?.. because “it is better for the skids, they are the only ones who would suffer if I said anything to her”.
So my question is – am I being selfish here and how should I handle the whole b-day drama? Should I make my point and go with BH? Or just drop it.
Hoping for some guidance…
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Comments
I wouldn't want him going to
I wouldn't want him going to a party BM is throwing. Ya'll should get a date you will have him and plan your own party. There shouldn't be any mixing of families or holidays or bdays, it just causs boundaries issues, and BM already seems to not have any. If DH absolutely insists he's going, go with him. But I would tell him in the future this is not acceptable to you.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Not always
"There shouldn't be any mixing of families or holidays or bdays, it just causs boundaries issues"
I know of a few families who are able to do this and it works well for everyone involved. The kids see everyone getting along, and that is never a bad thing.
My ex and I are considering throwing our daughter a joint graduation party.
If everyone is secure in their relationships and can work together, this CAN be a good thing rather than a problem.
You are right Melis
I also think DH should not be going to the party. I am afraid that for so many years DH has been doing things “for the good of his kids” so I know he will feel guilty and will think of himself as a bad father. BM will definitely tell him that he chooses to be with the s…t (me) than with his son during his b-day. Either way I am on the lost position, if I tell him to stay, or if goes or if we go together.
I agree with everyone else
that it might be best to have your own party. If DH's family goes to her party, still have one for the three of you-you, DH and SS and take SS out to a nice dinner and movie he wants to see and give him your presents then. Maybe if you and DH are ok with it then he could bring a friend if he wants.
My parents had joint birthday parties for me (their spouses were always there too) and I loved that. We also have "joint" birthday parties of sorts for the SDs- but BM (by her own choice) never comes and they're always held on neutral territory at a restaurant, movie theater or the local gym the SDs belong to (both of the SDs love to exercise).
If DH decides to go you should go with him for the sole purpose of making a point to BM that there are boundaries you all (including BM) have to adhere to. If both she and DH are big on having joint b-day parties for SS, then you need to insist that a) it be held on neutral territory, b)that BM pay her fair share of the bill and c) that you be included. If the party is held on neutral territory then that might reduce the tension between you, DH and BM.
Either way
You should go if you feel up to it. However: If you just don't feel like going through it, then let DH go and tell him, the next party and every party after that if they insist it is a joint party, should be on neutral ground and include SM.
Pick your battles. The longer you are together the more influence you will have with him, and the more she will learn she can trust you and your judgement. Let her have her little day one more time and that is it!! IMO
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin