Brief back ground. DH has his exSD28 who he raised after BM abandoned her. Then FauxSD abandoned fauxSGD with DH. SGD11 has RADs. She was physically abusive to me. Hit, kicked, spit, head butted... The list is long. She was 8-10 at this point DH drove her to a group home, the whole way she was running her mouth, about 45 mins into the drive she broke down. DH stopped and talked with her. Got her McDonalds and brought her home.
This began the worst part of it all... "You're provoking her" " you're too hard on her" seriously 45 mins of complete meltdown threating me, my pets my children.. Everything you can think of because I put her in the corner for 10 mins because for 25 minutes after school no one could find her. It got to the point I would not talk to her, would not be in the same room as her.... But was left with her when DH went to work.
Anyways DH slowly started sending her to spend time with SD (BM). Told me he was seeing how it goes and was working towards sending her back.
We got into a fight one night because I was tired of her being rewarded for breathing. It had been a week of her not cleaning her room, and yet being on the Wii U pad from afterschool until bed time. Would even eat dinner while watching Netflix. My kids were watching while they did chores, homework and she did nothing.
I left with my kids for awhile and came home to him sending SGD off with her SF. She has not been back since.

I spoke with my counselor and his suggestion was to let DH come to me. Not to bring it up, nothing. So I followed the advise. Bad advise. DH told me the other day it came across as I didn't care how much it hurt him, that I should have at least told him I'm here for you. It made him feel like " im a poor winner"

We talked this out, and I'm pretty sure understand each other. But for one thing... I never asked for this. I asked for him to parent her. He (and I do agree) feels that fauxSGD never accepted us as parent figures, himself included and was never going to be controllable by either of us. I have seen where she does better with SD and SF. BUT how did I "win"??!?!

The only thing I can come up with is he figured he could keep SGD and in his own words "let her burn his life to the ground" or he could let her go to her BMs. And I'm the "life" in question.

The whole situation is beyond me. Prior to her leaving DH put her on anxiety meds. But stopped counselling. Now another me's was added by DH while at BMs. But still no counselors. I'm alittle upset at the fact that the solution was to medicate SGD and send her back.... But still NO ONE has actually helped this kid.

I guess the fact is... Not my monkey not my circus. But it is hard because even though I do not like SGD and have become SD and SGd scapegoat.... I am not cold-hearted and I would like to see someone help her. It's just the parent side of me, the human-side. I have no investment in SGd at all... But even I can see she is being failed.