Your post could've been written by just about every one of us, bluepixie! Most of us have been through this or are going through this now and I can honestly say that while it may have periods of better, there will also continue to be periods of worse, probably until the end of time. She's going to see you as an adversary, because you are going to be his wife and her son's stepmother and sometimes it's hard for a BM in that situation to view the SM as anything but an adversary. There's just not one single thing you can do to change that. So to save your sanity, maybe you could try doing what I did... totally disengage from her. If you've tried reaching out and extending an olive branch and that doesn't work, then just remove yourelf from any dealings with her whatsoever. Don't talk to her, don't email her, don't be the one to make arrangements with her. Don't even answer the phone when she calls... let DH pick up or send her to voice mail. Have all communications with her go through your husband only. On those occasions where you have to be at a place where she is physically present, be polite and civil, no matter what. If it helps diffuse the tension on those occasions when you have to be in the same room together, then imagine her with spinach in her teeth or a toilet paper trail, anything to lighten your mood and humanize her. Pretend like you just don't care, like it just doesn't matter, and eventually you will "train" yourself to actually feel that way. You can't take anything she says personally. Live your life in spite of her, not within her dictates. Refuse to let her ruffle your feathers. If you give her no reaction, she will eventually give up and stop seeking a reaction. If you don't invest emotionally in her, then you simply won't feel the sting of the barbs she sends your way. It took me three years to learn this lesson, but as soon as I stopped providing my husband's ex-wife with an audience, she stopped targeting me. She still pisses my husband off from time to time, but hey, that's his cross to bear... he's the one who made babies with her, not me! Support your husband, love your SS and let the ex be water off a duck's back as much as you can.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

How is it that everyone on this site knows from experience that the step parents provide so many services, open their hearts to children that are not theirs, etc. and should expect to be mistreated and even harassed by the biomom? It's a fact, there's no disputing it. I'm going through it, to a point, myself. I say to a point because there are folks here that have it much worse than I do. But how is it that this is legal? I have looked everywhere online to find a list of my rights and reaponsibilities as a stepparnet, and I can't find anything. This leads me to think that there are none. There are no laws protecting me or anyone else from vindictive, spiteful BMs. And why not? There's obviously enough of it going on to warrant legislation, but there seems to be none. I mean, in terms of close personal friendships- I can't relate. No one from "our side" can stand to talk to her, but in reference to Anne's comment, we should not be living in a society that openly acknowledges BM's harassment without doing anything about it. This is just wrong.

Sorry to get off topic. I just had to get it out.

The only thing I disagree with is that I don't think that taking legal action against BM would make us bad in eyes of kids (minus potential manipulation on the part of BM talking about it in front of kids). I think that taking action would show 1. That the rules apply to everyone, which is currently not the case and 2. That you, as stepmom, are willing to do whatever it takes to meet their best interests. See, this is where I start getting upset. What so many of BMs do is NOT in their child's best interest, but the courts just let them do it, because apparently giving birth makes you unaccountable to the rules every else has to follow. This is why it blows me away that there are no laws, at the very least, protecting children from being used as a weapon against the other parent (I don't mean to be biased-I'm sure that BFs do this craziness as well). Like in my particular situation: BM has already been told in court that she is not doing what's in the best interest of the child. So they made a court order to fix the problem. It could have worked, had the court order been enforced. She's still using her child as a weapon, and the court's only answer to this is an extra afternoon's worth of parenting time. I don't mean to sound ungrateful-we'll take whatever we can get, but the emotional abuse to and alienation of the child continues. It seems to me, in NJ at least, that the court only cares what is in the best interest of the BM, not the child. If there were laws, a legal way to say-Hey, BM, knock it off, that the child best interests would ultimately be served, and that the child would ultimately have a more stable and loving environment in which to grow up. How can that be bad?

I see what you're saying and I agree. I'm just saying that everyone knows how messed up, biased, and unfair the family court system is. What I don't understand is why, as Americans in a democratic system, it has to be that way. We shouldn't have to wait until these kids are grown to see the system change. It's a problem, and everyone knows it's a problem. Why isn't there anything we can do about it? I think maybe I need to spend less time on this site and more time on the phone with my congressmen and local legislators.