How do I deal with the current situation?? XP saying he wants to quit drinking.
Ok, so as I have posted previous I have asked my partner to move out. I told him that it was just not working for us...he basically has been completely absent from my and my bio sons life, the only time he starts being around is when SS is coming over 4 nights a fortnight.
I have blocked a lot of details, but basically he is an alcoholic who comes home and verbally and emotionally abuses me. Whether he is drunk or not this happens, but it is extreme when he has been drinking.
So 4 days ago, after drink driving and leaving me and his mum in tears over his behaviour yet again, he woke up the following day and decided he wants to stop drinking now. He has counted 4 days since he last had a drink.Anyway I told him, it didn't matter, I have to look out for my son and he wasn't born into this rubbish situation, so why am I putting him through this??? My partner said he understood, but then has basically been sucking up and trying to make nice again (possibly because he has no where to go until he gets work...at this stage he is 3 weeks behind in payments to me for rent, so he truly is screwed financially at the moment). He no doubt needs me to feed and house SS who comes again tonight. Excellent, so I feel totally used and abused right now.
We were discussing the child situation the other day and I said to him that he needs to stop demanding that SS has the best of everything, I told him that SS is no more special than my bio son and that he needs to stop carrying on like that. Basically he buys special desserts for SS and SS chooses what to eat, takes him out for dinner and lunch when he hasn't paid me any money for weeks etc etc, you get my drift. I'm over it, if I buy iceblocks for bio son, why is that not good enough for SS?? ANyway after me saying that he came and said that to me this morning...that everything has to be perfect for bio son etc etc....so basically regurgitated what I had said to him 2 days ago. I am gobsmacked...I feel like i am dealing with a child.
I also start questioning myself if that's what I am like...although I also must admit to occasionally buying something special for bio sons lunchbox (only when SS is not there), but I figure, I pay for everything, why shouldn't I give my son a punnet of blueberries in his lunch??
I think I'm going crazy, he is basically pretending like we arent broken up and whenever I ask him whats happening, how should we deal with the kids on the weekend etc. he gets angry and starts ranting at me for kicking him out when he has nothing...he sold all of his things before he moved in here.
He said that "in regards to the children this weekend, i guess we just deal with them separately and then when one of them questions why the other is having more fun, we explain that that is whats happening now". Then he told me "I am not playing games anymore".
I'm so hurt with his behaviour toward me and my son, he is planning on purposely having more fun with SS this next few days and he knows it will upset my son...it always does. Oh but the whole time...I am supporting him and SS. Is it petty that I am resenting having to provide for these people????
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Why the hell is he still
Why the hell is he still living with you???
Kick his ass out - and do it now!! Don't waste one more single second on his using, useless, pathetic, disney dad ass!
Why are you having to provide
Why are you having to provide for them? Just stop doing it. He's run up 3 weeks worth of a tab with you? Call it.
I know you guys are
I know you guys are right...but where the hell does he go?
As much as I HATE him, and I do... I still love him and miss the life I never had but was promised. I dont know if I can hurt him like that??
So, if you bought a car and
So, if you bought a car and were promised by the sales clerk that the car could travel at mach 3, get 50 miles per gallon of gas, and run for 10 uninterrupted years before it needed any maintenance, but instead it fell to pieces on the drive home, would you still feel obligated to pay for it out of sorrow for missing the car you never had but were promised?
You feel used because you are being used.
Gah yes you're right..he just
Gah yes you're right..he just twists everything around until I dont know whether I'm coming or going. I end up questioning myself and if I am as bad as I get told. Apparently I need to grow a pair
as an aside, I just wanted to
as an aside, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not busting your balls. I know how hard it can be to leave a situation even after you identify how harmful it is. I just got up the nerve yesterday to tell my husband that we would not be reuniting until/unless some very specific criteria were met. I knew a long time ago (at least a year ago) that our relationship was bad and would crash and burn if things didn't improve dramatically. So, I do get it.
I'm in your shoes at this
I'm in your shoes at this very moment! My DH gets out of rehab on Saturday for alcoholism. Your statement above is an enabling statement. (I've learned a lot in the last month!) You aren't helping him by worrying about where he will go. Letting him be in your house because you are worried is enabling him to continue with his addiction because he knows that he always has a backup - YOU!
If he knows that you will not save his ass every time he is more likely to rethink his behavior. "Crap! I have no where to go! Brolynbub won't let me in her house. She's so mean but damn! What do I do?" He will figure it out.
Also if you don't allow his son to come to your house then he is forced to tell BM something about what's going on. Why he can't take him when he is scheduled to. Embarassment goes a long way to correcting a behavior. Essentially you would be trying to make him own up to his behavior. Hopefully he will see the light and get help.
I'm on pins and needles about DH returning Saturday. But his return is conditional based on a Safe Home Contract we will be signing. It will state what behaviors are not acceptable and what the consequences will be. In my case, a drink equals get out. I will still love him but drinking by him will no longer be acceptable. Period.
Good luck!
Who CARES where he goes? He
Who CARES where he goes? He is pulling a serious mind game on you. KICK HIM OUT AND CONCENTRATE ON YOUR POOR SON. And maybe get so counseling as to why you allow yourself to be used this way. I'm a recovering alcoholic, his blaming and mind games are classic active alcoholic behavior. He's a straight up loser- it galls me to no end that you actually PAY FOR EXTRAS FOR HIS SON! STOP IT! KICK HIM OUT- before you give this old lady a heart attack lol! God bless. You know what you need to do. He's toxic.
Thanks for this...I don't
Thanks for this...I don't know why but it made me cry, probably because you are saying his behaviour is to be expected...I honestly thought I was the screwed up one for a while, it doesn't stop me feeling sorry for him but he can't just decide to stop drinking and it will miraculously fix our issues. And how do I know he actually will stop? He accuses me of not being supportive and not wanting to work through all our issues
Give him time limit to find
Give him time limit to find somewhere else to live. He can apply for govt assistance. And if he gets violent and nasty drunk again (because he will) you call the police and ask he be removed form your home.
Thank you...what's reasonable
Thank you...what's reasonable time frame?
You are not responsible for
You are not responsible for this guy one bit and he is continuing his abuse of you and your son by continually manipulating you, making you feel insane, being all nice. Stop letting him and btw, wtf are you thinking by permitting his son to come over when he cant pay for him and when you have broken up?!
If you are feeling that guilty, print off the nearest hostel info and tell ex OH that you want him out immediately, if he doesnt lea e you will call the police. Then when he starts bloody well ring them immediately! You say he doesnt have money. Well then how does he afford to treat his son , like you mentioned? He does have cash, its just he thinks you are a mug who will allow him to treat you like a punchbag, psychologically damage you, use you as an atm and free housing/sex doll. Get him out now.
If I knew my partner drank a
If I knew my partner drank a lot prior to us moving in together does that make me a bad person? He is saying that because I knew he drank prior to us moving back in together that I have screwed him over. He should never have moved back in because he had everything and gambled everything and I gambled nothing and I'm fucking him over because we were meant to work out all our problems. Aargh, all we do is argue, this is so bloody draining
no dearie, it does NOT make
no dearie, it does NOT make you a bad person. foolish decision, yes, but not a bad person. nobody's perfect, we all have lapses in judgement. does NOT make you bad.
he's been off the sauce for four days- yet he's STILL AN ASSHOLE.
yes, you meant to work out all your problems. and part of doing that is compromise. i see nowhere in your orig. post here that shows he's even bothering to compromises. it's not even 'my way or the highway' cuz he wont leave! it's just "my way. period. and if you dont, i'm going to be an asshole."
how long has he been back in with you? long enough i'm sure for you to see that nothing has changed. you're not fucking him over, you've given him plenty of opportunity. there has to be a finish line.
and nothing will change if you keep covering his ass. he's a grown man, he can figure out where to go. not your job. you job is to take care of yourself and your son, not a grown ass man.
dumbass does this- she's spent her entire life being totally and utterly irresponsible, because there is always someone there to take care of something when she drops the ball. she gets evicted? no prob, stay w/ mom for two years. car gets repo'd? no prob, someone lends her theirs. no $ for skids? no prob, mil will pay for shoes. she's a forty year old unemployed couch-surfer. WHY? CUZ SOMEONE HAS ALWAYS ENABLED HER.
STOP ENABLING THIS ASSHOLE. it's high time he learn how to be a man. ((hugs))
WE does not equal YOU. You
WE does not equal YOU. You are the only one trying to improve the situation, he is not.
Please, see a therapist if you can. If not, confide in a good friend or close family member. You need someone who can not only help you stay strong, but help you recognize when you're being manipulated. What he's doing right now is a classic alcoholic manipulation move.
My DH used to be this way.
My DH used to be this way. Until I quit being an enabler. I moved out after I decided I was no longer going to put up with his verbal abuse. In your case, give him the boot. The only way they get better is when they hit rock bottom.
I know you care for him but he and his kid(s) are NOT your responsibility. The only way he can improve is once everyone withdraws their assistance. Because abusers of alcohol or drugs are users of those who care for them.
Get into counseling and do research on being codependent. You cannot save him. Only he can save himself.