Chapter 24, Part 5: Not My Circus, Not My Sometimes-Vegan Monkey
Over the next few weeks I took a break while Bratty and SO continued with weekly appointments. The therapist coached Bratty on a plan to move out, which would really be SO moving her stuff out. SO sent her pictures of her stuff and she went through and marked off what to keep (we had said all along that she could keep a couple of boxes of important stuff with us) and what to get rid of. I saw SO going through her stuff, making piles of keep/donate/trash. The room eventually cleared out and everything left was put into two boxes. Bratty texted and asked if she could keep one of her three guitars that she had decorated herself. SO agreed to keep it in his office so I said no problem.
As Bratty’s room gradually emptied, SO also shared that Bratty expressed some anger at him from the divorce and the blowback she received from Darth Vader (BM). Bratty also vocalized her anger at SO for being placed in a (expensive) private Catholic school when growing up. Apparently SO should have known that environment was not supportive of LGBTQ teens. SO said he had no idea about her identity at the time. I think it was helpful overall for them to have some sessions together. I do think Bratty needed to express her anger at SO and it was good that she did so. Bratty and SO resumed their out of session communications/phone calls, since Bratty had given SO the cold shoulder prior to the therapy sessions and they seemed to be communicating well (or at least normally for them).
After a few weeks, Therapist 2.0 emailed me and asked me if I was ready to rejoin. I said yes but only for one or two sessions to work out expectations around visits and to communicate that I would be disengaging from Bratty going forward. Therapist 2.0 said he understood and would make space for that in the next session.
It turned out we only needed one more session. We started off with communicating expectations around visits and it was mostly SO and I talking. I told SO that he would need to be responsible for hosting, including meals and shopping. I told Bratty that she needed to communicate a schedule in advance and stick to it – no more last minute rescheduling. I also said I disliked spending time with Bratty and would likely not join them or spend much time with Bratty during her visits.
Bratty looked stunned and then stammered out a ‘well I don’t feel comfortable with all this tension’ and ‘we should continue with therapy as I have much more to say on the contributions I’ve made to the family’ (?!?!). I finally told Bratty directly I had no further interest in re-hashing the past and that her feelings were her own responsibility. I said I would be disengaging going forward but wished her well with her life and future. Finally I turned to SO and let him know he was on his own to deal with Bratty if (more like when) she gave him the cold shoulder again.
Bratty asked about the upcoming (~ 2 months) Thanksgiving holiday and could we make plans? I said no, she and SO could make plans but I had my own plans with friends. In the end, SO ended up joining me with my friends at their timeshare in Napa for a small, relaxing, and wonderful Thanksgiving week. Bratty was told to stay away though SO did separate from us for a day to visit with her. For Christmas, Bratty again found herself without an invitation from me and was back at her Aunt’s house (where she also was for Thanksgiving).
Bratty had a long phone call with SO complaining about me. I told SO going forward I didn’t want to hear any complaints about me from Bratty – he was free to speak about Bratty generally but if he passed on any negative crap about me it was going to result in an argument. He understood and has kept that conversation to himself. Beyond that, the only other contact I’ve had with Bratty since the last therapy session are the bi-weekly family calls with SO’s mom and siblings. I dislike seeing Bratty there but continue to participate to support SO.
And that brings us to the end of the Bratty Chronicles, or at least the story so far. In the next post I’ll share some of my thoughts about this whole journey so far, and what I think the future holds. And then, some interesting Bratty updates!
The End…For Now J
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Comments
I'm curious, when you told
I'm curious, when you told her you had your own plans for Tgiving and then your SO spent the week with you was it because Bratty decided she didn't want to be with her Dad since you wouldn't be there so she could give you a hard time or was it because your SO decided to spend the holiday with you?
I'm curious bc my skids have grown and are busy and the dynamics and family get togethers have changed. SD did plan something for SO's bday, and she included me, by herself and included the SS'. After Easter dinner, I decided no more family celebrations planned by me for his kids so those may go the way of the past also unless one of them plan it.
Thanksgiving
I had given SO my blessing to spend Thanksgiving with Bratty but she had no place for him to stay or really cook (she rents a room in a crowded house). He asked his sister who lived in the Bay Area (Bratty's Aunt) about Thanksgiving plans but with COVID she said she would invite Bratty (since Bratty had been over recently) but not SO (which I thought was rude but none of my business...). Bratty did try to muscle her way into my friends' timeshare for Thanksgiving Day but I told SO hell to the no.
So ultimately they decided that Bratty would go to her Aunt's and SO would spend Thanksgiving with us, and he and Bratty would meet on another day that week to spend time. For Christmas SO and I stayed home and invited one other couple - Bratty wasn't invited as COVID was spreading fast then.
To be honest I don't know what will happen this year but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Part of it will depend on where Bratty ends up for her repeat post-bacc. If its our area I'll have to see how I feel about including her. If its not our area SO can decide if he wants to visit her or not, but I won't travel to see her specifically.
Thanks for the response. My
Thanks for the response. My SO would pick going with me over spending a week with his kids
Very sad as most kids her age would prefer to spend most of their time with friends or a partner and limited time with their parents.
Yep
But I don't see Bratty ever forming signifcant bonds with others (or maybe for short periods only before they realize she's a narc and run for the hills) so its likely to be an ongoing issue to deal with for us. It would be wonderful if Bratty did get a life of her own with friends, partners, etc but I'm not optimistic about that.
We have SS21 that is not
We have SS21 that is not social at all but we have cut back on having him come for various family get togethers.
When he turned 21 last year he said to SO he wanted chocolate cake. I told SO that we don't do it for SS27 or SD20 so not doing it for him.
Oh, please expand on how she
Oh, please expand on how she tried to horn her way into your friends' timeshare! Pretty please!
Texting SO
I had already told SO when I agreed to meet my friends in Napa that he was welcome to join us for some of all of the week - but Bratty was absolutely not to come.
So after the last therapy session Bratty starts texting SO about Thanksgiving plans and mentions she can drive up to Napa and spend the day with us (at my friends timeshare - WTF). SO tried to ingore her but she brought it up again in another text and then he texted back that the timeshare was my friends' and she wasn't invited and couldn't invite herself
O...M...G. Bratty's head
O...M...G. Bratty's head must be filled with rocks. It's unbelievable to me she would try to impose on (virtual) strangers AGAIN.
I said it before: If she's sad and alone at the holidays, just drink. That's what responsible adults do.
Even Better
It was same friends she had been rude to before (calling my friend's husband a misogynist, inviting herself to my friends' elderly mother's village in Mexico, etc.). Like they would want her there, LOL.
I am constantly amazed at the
I am constantly amazed at the self-centeredness of this generation. Your SO's inability to teach this child how the world really works is going to have Bratty living a sad and very unsatisfying life. I feel sorry for her, but I agree I wouldn't want to spend time with such a negative and selfish person either.
Yep
I do feel sorry for Bratty - she is mentally ill but not evil. Unfortunately she is so negative and creates so much conflict that it upsets me - so bye bye Bratty.
I think these self centered
I think these self centered skids are always shocked when they come across a person who just doesn't like them.
After all their whole lives they have been coddled and lead to believe everybody likes/loves them.
When I disengaged from Spawn her reaction was to start posting all over social media she wanted to kill me or hoped I would die...yes because that's going to get me to re-engage in your life and think you are a person I want to have a relationship with.
Exactly
I think Bratty was shocked that I decided to walk away and she couldn't manipulate SO into controlling me.
Bratflix
Bratflix Season One has come to an end. Canine you are one strong lady to set and KEEP your boundaries.
Wish there was a season 2. You never know, right?
I have to say I feel sorry for the brat. Like she just doesnt get it. Trying to worm her way in, for what? She met her match with you, and maybe a light bulb went off for her, that the world does not revolve around her. Her manipulations do not always work. Your DH did well for you. Many DH's wouldve fought tooth and nail for their princess/ prince/princess or whatever to stay the center of attention.
Keep posting. I feel so invested in Brattys life. LOL
Season 2
There better not be LOL. But updates, sure. I'm sure I'm not completely rid of her and she stirs up drama whereever she goes
Yes in the end SO understood but now he feels stuck in the middle. I told him its his kid so he needs to deal with it, not me.
He wouldn't be stuck in the
He wouldn't be stuck in the middle if he'd be honest with Bratty about how her behavior is the real problem.
Exactly
He created the monster, he can deal with it...
You can see how she blames
You can see how she blames you - he should be telling her she burned her bridges with you by complaining about food the last Thanksgiving, and that it's rude to invite herself to other people's homes when she has never met them. Instead he evades and coddles and leaves her thinking you are just a big meanie. He's not doing her any favors.
Completely Agree
But its a losing battle to get him to see it that way. He does see that his child is challenging but still thinks of her as sweet and well-meaning.
For example, the current drama around Bratty's visit to Grandma - I told him right away the flights Bratty picked were inconsiderate but he only said 'Bratty probably doesn't see it that way'. So now its caused a big drama because it is stressing out Grandma...still waiting to see how that turns out LOL.
Okay, so he should enlighten
Okay, so he should enlighten her! "Bratty, I know you meant no harm but these flights don't work for your elderly grandma. Please change them to ones that do work for her. And next time, consult with her before paying for them." Done. He doesn't have to be harsh.
Bratty is so sensitive
She would be offended by what you just wrote. Which goes to her immaturity...and her narcissism.
I did tell SO I thought the news would be better from him but left it at that. It's his family so I'm staying out of it other than listening and offering basic advice.
To be honest
The only way Bratty will receive the message well is if he says Grandma is stressing about COVID and you would be helping her and easing her anxiety by changing your flights....that way Bratty will feel like the saviour and would prob be alright with it...
Who in their right mind
Who in their right mind schedules flights with a gazillion layovers if they can get a direct flight? Bratty must like spending time in airports.
Hopefully someone gets the testicular fortitude to tell Bratty staying with Grandma is hard no.
Bratty and airports
She does like airports and hates being rushed between connections so to her it's probably no big deal.
One 6 hour layover is through Vegas so she may have been thinking she could see the Strip and return for her flight. That airport is not far from the strip so it's possible.
Bratty likes airports.
Bratty likes airports.
That seals it. She is officially coo-coo for Coco Puffs. NO ONE actually likes airports.
Airports are the pits.
I've decided that even post COVID I'm wearing a mask for air travel. I always end up catching a cold or flu since planes are so tightly packed. I used to feel self conscious about flying with a mask but not anymore.
LOLLL who likes airports???!!
LOLLL who likes airports???!!!!! Especially hours of lay overs??!!! I've never heard that in my whole life. I had an overnight lay over ONCE! And lucky for me I had a friend who lived in Miami (where my lay over was) and we went out all night in south beach, slept for a few hours, and then she dropped me at the airport. Best lay over ever haha.
Actually just checked her email...
5 hour layover through Vegas on the way there.
Then 12 hour layover in Denver on the way back.
Great flights LOL.
Good lord did she piece these
Good lord did she piece these flights together herself?
No idea
Its like Satan was her travel agent.
You really are hysterical
Satan (and a cheap uni administration) once sent me from Sydney Aust to Florianopolis Brazil like so:
Sydney to LA
LA to Houston
Houston to Miami
Miami to Rio
Rio to Florianopolis
each way was about 3 days straight travelling on the way back I was sooooooo glad to be on last leg....plane didn't take off....waiting waiting...nope air con broke we had to all get off plane and wait 2 hours for repairs. Argh!
(I also once had a 19 hour layover in LAX.)
OMG
I hope whatever you went for was worth it...that is just brutal!
*Facepalm* I'm without
*Facepalm* I'm without words, and I'm rarely without words.
Just checked expedia...
Same dates - direct flights are about $100 more than flights with 1-stop. Still plenty available even though her trip is about a week away.
SKs and holidays
My SD59 is an older, similar version of Bratty. Immature, clueless, overly-sensitive. And those are the good qualities! Lol. Every holiday is a challenge because even tho she has 2 kids, many admiring (imaginary) boyfriends and many (non-existant) friends, she has nowhere to go for the holidays because nobody wants to be around her. So she is always trying to glom onto us. This last year with covid was heaven on earth because we had no celebrations where we had to deal with her or any of the other skids.
In some ways
I'll miss COVID. It did provide a nice respite. I know that's terrible given the suffering of so many but I do think that sometimes.
Is it weird I'm sad the
Is it weird I'm sad the Bratty chronicles are over??! Haha. I have really enjoyed reading your story and where you've come with your disengagement.
People like Bratty and other narc skids, and HCBMs we come across in life (or here on step talk) just can't compute their actions have consequences. Fully incapable of comprehending it. Shocking after years of say therapy, family, and other individuals (I'll say me when it comes to SS17 and BM) telling them the reality they still just make excuse after excuse.
I too sometimes feel bad for SS17 because he is going to struggle his whole life with relationship but, he unfortunately got all his DNA from BM. She has no "depth" to her and either does he.. if that makes sense.
I'm sure there will always be Bratty circling with some sort of drama and look forward to your stories. Hopefully you continue to stay clear of them.
Thanks MissK
I've enjoyed reading the comments - you guys are all a pretty funny bunch
I know what you mean by shallow - Bratty is very superficial, entitled, and a hypocrite - which is why I dislike her. That's part of what I gleaned from writing these out - not liking Bratty was not a failure on my part but rather her personality is broken.
Yep Bratty will always bring the drama! And I will try to avoid as much of it as I can!
Direct...
I think thats awesome and very...brave(?) that you were able to say directly that you did not like her and that you did not enjoy spending time with her.
Think if all of us could do that about our skids!
I did something close several years ago, when SD21 Feral Forger was 17ishy. She was relating a conversation she had had with Toxic Trolls then boyfriend, Tweedle Dum. How he had the audacity to tell her that "no one wanted her".
I stepped in and said "of course we want you (lie! lie! Lie!) but your just so MEAN to everyone. We would enjoy your company so much more if you were nicer...!"
This lead to a veritable WW FF against cLove ...she practically foamed at the mouth. She did this growling thing (use your WORDS I wanted to say), she came at me with the fire of a dragon, spouting such awesome revelations, such as "your such an effing b!tch, eff you, you are disgusting, I effing hate you, no wonder such and such happened, your a horrible person!"
I can only imagine if Id the guts you did to actively tell the truth!!! That I cannot stand her voice, her footsteps, her breathing, her whining, her smell...her anything and everything.
Thanks cLove
Oy, so sorry that happened. It sounds like FF was redirecting her aggression from Tweedle Dum onto you.
I was careful to voice my opinion and feelings but would never say 'No one wants you Bratty' - even it its pretty close to the truth. That statement is about cruelty, my telling Bratty I disliked her was about reclaiming space for myself. So I didn't have to pretend anymore because pretention is a different, indirect form of cruelty.
Yes, it felt great to get that truth out there. That made the dumpster fire of family therapy worth it for me.
I think that I am fascinated
By what you detailed as to the reasons that you did not like her and did not want to spend any time with her, as well as her reactions/responses.
Feral Forger, when she got done cussing Munchkin out, tearfully asked DH "dont you want me", and there was a looooooooooong pause. And his response was, erm, interesting.
And the fact that FF has never asked me to move in. Always going behind my back, to ask DH.
I forget, did bratty at all ask you or discuss with you directly, moving back in or staying rather? Or were all her communications with your SO?
Neither
Bratty just assumed she was entitled to stay with us whenever she wanted for however long she wanted, which is why she didn't want to clear out her room. She assumed she could guilt trip So into making me allow it by giving him the cold shoulder followed by a massive guilt trip, e.g. 'otjer father's would provide a room for their child to stay with them'. LOL.
Exactly Feral Forgers M.O. to a T.
Her pattern with Toxic Troll has ALWAYS been to leave for extended periods of time, and for all intents and purposes to be living somewhere completely different, but ALWAYS leave an extensive amount of personal items (like non-trash items) and TT wouldnt remove them at all, or throw them away or touch them in any way (like packing away). Like shes expecting and wanting her to move back in.
Munchkin doesnt see this.
Leave a "place holder" of personal items, to ensure ready entry when wanted. No discussion, no talk, nothing. Radio silence.
She tried that with us and 7 months in I cleared her old room out entirely and its all MINE now.
Of course FF was mad about it.
SO thats exactly how Bratty is as well, just assume because shes a "DNA Dropping" that she has assumed her place in whatever domicile he has possession of.
DNA droppings do not get to slide back in whenever they want to.
DNA droppings
OMG love that hahaha
I loved it when you told her
I loved it when you told her how it was going to be from now on at the therapy session and that your husband didnt protest and was in agreement to organise things with his child on his own and tend to her needs when she was around. I love the fact that u made it clear that u have no interest in hanging out around her or faking it!!
When i told my husband that i had no interest in hanging out with any of his children, he told me that i was a hater and negative and i should try harder because im the adult and they are just children, so now i make up excuses and find work to do on the weekends that they are around....that way it doesnt look like i dont want to be around them, just that I am busy...
Honestly you handled the situation quite well with bratty, chapeau!
Thanks
It did feel good telling her that to be honest!
I do think Bratty will overcome her current indignation and visit eventually. As long as it's not too long I'll hang out upstairs and Bratty can stay in the downstairs guest room. No need for our paths to cross except occasionally in the kitchen.
I like that you told her you
I like that you told her you don't like her. Because in real life, if you act like a twat:
You get told off
You get dumped
You get fired
You get uninvited
You get divorced
You get arrested
You get disowned
You get blocked
You get shunned
You get evicted
You get left
And I think that's an important life lesson that kids nowadays aren't learning. When I disengaged, without any change in behavior, Killjoy kept asking DH when I would start going to events with them again.
He finally levelled with her. "You're unpleasant and obnoxious, and she doesn't want to be around you anymore. If it happened a few times, she'd get over it, but it happened again and again and you behaved that way deliberately. You've burned your bridges with Ipso. She doesn't like you. Stop asking."
Yeah
Bratty was shocked and I think still believes I'll come around. Delusional.
And yes, if you're a jerkhole in real life people will leave you. And no one cares if your Mommy was mean to you, or you're lactose intolerant, etc etc etc
I wanted to tell Killjoy how
I wanted to tell Killjoy how I felt about her. So bad.
But Satan was always trying to imply I was mean and abusive, so I refused to even discipline Killjoy the way she so badly needed. The one time I told Killjoy off, Satan went running to the GAL and he fell for her crap for a hot minute. DH and I always wanted to send Killjoy back to Satan's custody, but then she wouldn't have finished school.
Bratty is sick
She thinks everyone life revolves her. Everyone should do as she wants, but there are never up doing it because she changed the rules on a fly. So everyone hurts poooor Bratty. You can't win. She will never have friends. unless the friends are just as crazy.
Your SO failed her my not making her understand she can't sh*t on people like GM.
Good Luck
You should publish
Honestly these chronicals have been the best.
Thanks
Maybe way way down the road....right now Bratty would implode if this were published LOL.
Thanks for reading