It's Thanksgiving so I'll post a positive and later an opinion
For the positive. Yes, step parenting is a thankless role. All too often, we seem to be in the position where the BIO parents place the children absolute first in everything and are relentless in their excuses, coddling and defensiveness. Anyway, this imbalance almost wrecked my marriage. However, we are making slow but good progress.
I still definitely have strong triggers to bad behavior. However, for the first time in 7 years, DW is actually talkling about what is happening, we plan how it is we will address and how we will work together to communicate and change behavior for our SS28. We are not there yet but working on it. For example, instead of doing FOR SS28, we are making sure he knows how to do something then having him do it. Case and point, we are out of town and get called as he blew a tire and his vehicle comes with a built in inflator but no spare. His ask ... for us to call the tire place, etc. Instead he got the number and the advice well, what I would do is call and tell them you purchased the road hazard and ....
So it is really hard for me to let go of the years of crap but it's not easy for her either ... DW will have her moments as will I but for ONCE we are finally talking seriously about this including which steps to take to force growth for SS28.
Happy Thanksgiving, all! It is by no means easy ... to quote my favorite sci fi movie 'Do not let me calm demeanor fool you...." yes, my blood still boils and yes, some of those feelings of isolation, etc remain but in time they can be overcome. There is hope for those of us who are really deteremined.
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Does your SS have anxiety? It
Does your SS have anxiety? It sounds like it. I'm sure he'd refuse therapy but maybe that's a condition of him staying there. He seems afraid to do pretty simple things.
Wow
How does he actually function? There are 29 yo with wife's and kids of there own. Who have to handle more important thing then a flat tire. First of all it's his fault not having a stair tire. Second why could not he call some one to help him like a tire place
You may have seen my somewhat
You may have seen my somewhat un-positive posts elsewhere, but reading your blog entry, I need to clarify there CAN be glimmers of hope in this constant struggle. My SS28 has a major mental illness, but we tolerated what he did way too long because we were convinced we were all he all, and with the severity of his issues, we were keeping him from suicide. He was so difficult, MIL would take his brother over-night and on trips, but never him, for years....until he stepped over the line, and my wife and I agreed he could no longer live with us. Our "all alone" SS, while he was supposed to be pondering his choices in a $700/month boarding home while we helped locate a special apartment facility, barely spent a week of nights there over two months, because suddenly, he found the ability to sell his pitiful story to the MIL about his version of the events, and all these friends he suddenly made to make meals, take him to restaurants, have him over for a few days, etc, while we paid the $700/month in advance. We discovered all this when he he always had new clothes when we saw him to check on him, and he gained weight while supposedly never having food (he was 6'5", 280lbs to start) The glimmer of hope, is that after a year in his apartment, he CAN get what he needs, have food, take care of a pet, figure out how to have Internet access on his own, eat out, order carry-out, smoke cigars, drink, and everything else he had us convinced he could never do. My wife still manages his disability, so he gets a "paycheck" each week to force a budget, and holidays are awkward because we don't have a lot typical things to discuss (and we are waiting for the next outburst), but he proved he has the ability to survive without our constant help. We may not agree with how he's getting help, but now, some of his problems are now HIS problems.
Thank you for your post! Yes
Thank you for your post! Yes being a Step parent is a thankless role. What a task you have taken in. Glad your DW is coming around! My SD23 made it clear she could still get on our insurance as a single divorced mother. My DH finally said no, she should be in her BM's since we don't have kids and BM has 3 with her DH. We got 3 more years to go but now SD has 3 kids so unlikely now though we help monetary here and there for the kids.