So I've realized that the last few years, my disagreements with DW have gotten more intense and the words I use are sometimes vile.  This is not at all normal for me and yes, we are working via counseling.  After a very bad weekend argument and some time to talk and consider, I've possibly stumbled on the root cause and that is our communications.  A few years ago, I had both of my SS at home.  Both allowed trash to pile in their rooms, both would dirty multiple dishes and cooking utensils and leave them sit expecting us to clean, etc. 

The is the danger zone, though.  Both my wife and I are normally good communicators.  However, we totally missed the mark on what the other was conveying and now we're in this horrible place that we want to fix.  From my experience, thought I was saying that this is crushing housework and it's not acceptable for these two capable young ment to not help out.  Let's sit them down and set ground rules.  I am now sure much of my communication was complaining about them being lazy slobs not willing to help and pretty gruff and offensive when talking to their mom.  As a result, she felt attacjed and that her parenting was under fire and also that I was dumping a problem at her feet and expecting her as bio mom to fix it alone.   From her experience she thought that she was agreeing that they were acting wasn't aceptable.  To me, I heard times are different and I pick my battle (not including this).  After many times of both of us having the same conversation and both of us hearing the same incorrect message, filters got set.  I slumped my head and gave up on any change unless/until both SS were on their own and then had to deal with their own habits.  I did not give up in a healthy way.  Instead it festered.  Each time something really triggered me, I remembered the last worst instances.  This gave way to me saying some nasty things that a sailor would find offensive.  It kept getting to worse words and even when the youngest SS launched and was very successful, my filter was still a few years back and with each reminder I've put focus onto SS28 but treated it as if both he and his brother were still doing the same thing.  Part of this is I really feel he has no incentive to launch and exhibits no ambition to do so.

It resulted in a bad disagreement and I feel confused and guilty but know that it will take worth from she and I both.  This is not a one person thing.