I lost faith in blended family
I was 25 when i met DH and then SS.
I was fully opened and really engaged to make the thing working out.
I planned each SS visitation, bond with him by sharing his favorite activities. I was in charge of the homework, and when BM had her second child, we do our best to support her family choice.
Then, i got pregnant, and all questions i had from DH familly became "and what about SS?" "And what about his wellbeing?" "And what about if he feels rejected?".
I really wanted everything worked. I planned plenty of things for SS to feel part of the familly. How to settle our only child room ? I even consider the fact i will split the room in two rooms thanks to a wall. Which will left a 9square meter to my baby as a bedroom.
When i gave birth, ILs waited many weeks to see our baby but they had plenty of time to take SS (which included long driving hours).
All the calls i had were about "you must treat them equally" "you must do whatever you can to maintain SS school grades" "you must let SS play with your 1 week baby" "you must let him enjoy time with your baby" . They judged me as a SM, accused be of favouritism as i was just welcoming my baby they didn't even meet !
Plus COVID and the fact that BM was absolutely not serious about it and that she sent SS9 to home with cold and flue without wanting SS to get tested, with a new brand baby of 2 weeks old !!!! DH was just petrified to say he couldn't take him, and too petrified to ask SS not toutch the baby. My baby got sick, and i had to watch for him night and day during days in order to avoid hospitalization.
SS who was really nice to me started to play household. Cheered by MIL. SS started to lie about what was going on at our home. He started to text "SOS danger" to MIL when his father asked him to brush his teeth... and this stupid woman to answer to him "o my baby, are SM and your father bad with you?" And then delete the conversation.
Time after time, i started to feel more and more disgusted of this way of life. Always worried about what ILs and SS will react to this, or that. I started to feel insecure in my own house, insecure about SS false allegations.
We settle a whole set of camera, but ... ! Waou ! In our own house, that's just crazy.
SS started to ask for crazy expensive gifts to his father, just as if he had to compensate the birth of a new baby and be sorry for that.
I don't believe anymore in blended famillies. I'm too shocked about what happen in a few months.
The sad fact is from now, i only consider my familly as nuclear : DH, our baby and I. In my heart, SS is not part of MY family. He is only the son of my DH. That it
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You are in a PAS situation
You are in a PAS situation brought on by your ILs who have made their hatred for DH very clear. Your SS is playing both households and that behavior will only stop if BM and DH agree to keep SS away from ILs. He is playing the favoritism card because he knows it will be effective. This kid is 9 and he is playing your household like a fiddle. Can you imagine when he hits his teen years? You and DH will be whipped into tip top shape. Of course you love your bio more than SS; your bio is your bio, whom you love unconditionally and SS has a strained and rocky relationship with your household. Its unreasonable to expect a stepparent to love their skid like their own, especially when the skid is abusive and manipulative.
So many parents and stepparents try to coddle skids because of "how it looks" or "it has to be fair" because society sets these expectations that if you do for one child, you'll do for the other regardless of step versus bio status. I have learned that you can't use this logic because the differences between being a skid and a biokid aren't fair. Somewhere along the line, skids are going to miss out on something, due to visitation schedules, lack of planning, etc. They don't live in the house full time so they aren't as bonded to the family unit. But they also get double: double birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc. due to split households, where your bio only gets one. I feel like skids often feel more entitled too, like your SS demanding expensive gifts. They expect a car when they turn 16, they expect college to be paid for, luxury vacations, etc. all because their parents split and that has been difficult for them. They feel like they deserve more because they "aren't a part of the intact family." Skids are put on a pedestal and treated differently out of fear; fear of skids or in some cases, BM's reaction, fear of the court's reaction, fear of decreased visitation or withholding, fear of successful PAS, fear of expressing favoritism, etc. so we teach skids that they are held to lesser standards, just for being skids. That's not life. The truth is you are doing the best you can with the cards that were dealt.
Focus on your baby and your household. If SS doesn't like it, too bad. What are your DH's thoughts on all this? Is he being a "guilty Dad" toward SS and caving to avoid SS' wrath? You guys need firm discipline and boundaries to protect yourself from this kid. He needs to know that his lies and manipulation will not be tolerated and he will not be rewarded for such behavior. As far as anyone else's comments go, your house, your rules. They don't like it, they can pack sand.
Hi CastelJJ, thanks a lot for
Hi CastelJJ, thanks a lot for the time you take to reply on my blogpost.
Yes... about that, BM seems to prefer her comfort of extra "child-off" times to his son mental health. Even if she said to DH that SS won't visit his grand mother until he gets it, i bet he will go for this summer.
So right ! I'm so scared of my future when SS will get older. Plus, we have more revenue that BM and MIL (the last one has barely nothing, not even a house to live in, not even some savings). I'm sure as soon as he will get older, MIL will encourage him to have parts in his father business (which i run as an executive director - accounting, management, human ressources - in addition to my own work !).
Yes, exactly ! I came to this point too. Skids don't have an intact familly, but by the contrary, they have all extra that bio will never have. Double gifts, double birthdays, but also double people who take care of them : the step-parent parent's ! They come with four couples of "grand-parents" who treat them with respect (even if they might be some differences in feelings).
For example, my SS got for christmas gifts from his grand parents but also the parents of the step dad and my parents ! Instead, my child only got presents from my parents, because according to ILs, they prefered to give gifts to poor SS as he was disturbed by my child.
To this point, DH and I are on the same line. But the first months were really difficult. MIL who barely called DH before, was harrassing him all the time about "SS9 well being and feelings". These led to a completely failed christmas : we were supposed to spend christmas to my familly house with my parents and my grand mother. My baby had 1 month old, and i was really exhausted. I needed familly support as i got nothing from ILs and DH worked hard. SS was sick and COVID pandemic was really present where we lived. My grandmother is old, so i asked SS to make a COVID test. He didn't want to, and did not as BM said he was old enough to decide for himself.
So i refused SS at my parent's house. To compensate, BM and DH asked SS what he wanted to do for christmas holidays. His answer : "I want to spend 4 days to MIL (150km from home), then go to mom (+150km), then go to SIL (+150km), then go to daddy (+300km) and finally go again to MIL (+150km) before go back to mom (+150km)". About 900km DH and BM shared to please SS !.
DH was so exhausted to drive and play taxi we couldn't enjoy our baby first christmas.
After this episode, i was really clear to DH : our life can't revolve on SS wants and mine won't!
Today's blended family is
Today's blended family is unnatural. It's not natural to break up a relationship then start another one with more kids and expect it to go smoothly with kids going from household to household. There will be conflict and resentment from many of the players involved. Of course I didn't realize this until after the fact. Even if I have a good situation in that ss is long distance and I rarely see him. He's still there and bm is still there and in-laws are still loyal to her.
stepfamiles used to be borne of the death of one of the bio parents, which probably made it easier on some level. No visitation schedule, no court, no hcbm.
Yes, you are so true ! Step
Yes, you are so true ! Step families aren't natural at all, and it can be a nightmare to everyone, except the kids that will grow up. To some point i wish SS will be a step father of a bratty SS just like he is ! And will be the father of a son who will treat him like crap.
True enough, but ...
"Today's blended family is unnatural. It's not natural to break up a relationship then start another one with more kids and expect it to go smoothly with kids going from household to household."
The general form of the step family has existed from time immemorial. I'm thinking of the many, many societies whose leaders and wealthy citizens have been able to afford more than one wife, legally or otherwise. History is littered with the bodies of princes and princesses who became inconvenient when Daddee cast his eye on a new woman with ambitions for her own offspring. You think today's PASing Daddees and BMs are bad? Imagine the palace intrigues of earlier times. A decent number of the wealthy and powerful and all of the lesser citizens did not bother with the legal niceties and expenses and simply bunked in the new woman's hut. Same result, upstairs and down, in the mansions and in the hovels. Most people don't like having to share resources.
All of this is to say, choose your partner verrrry carefully, and be prepared when human nature rears its ugly little head.
Forget the in-laws;enjoy your baby
Congratulations on your baby ! Sorry that so many issues are coming up during what should be the happiest time for you.
I recommend blocking these nosy in-laws from your phone/ all social media etc. you wouldn't allow friends or neighbors tell you how to parent so why should they be allowed. His family;his problem. Save your sanity. I operate this way and vice versa it helps a lot. Give these awful enablers no head space.
Your step son is going through a big transition and perhaps a lot of jealousy (along with adults he trusts putting ideas in his head ). I hope your DH sees this and how hurtful these in laws comments are to your step sons mental health. Not to mention it hurts the sibling bond so much. Hopefully step sons time around these idiots is none to severely limited and your husband sees through it all.
My feelings changed greatly towards my step son during pregnancy and after. It's normal and your bond with your bio is SO different. It's the best; enjoy !
ETA: what does your husband do when step son is tattling on his phone ? Does he remove the phone or not allow it during visitation?
Hi superlado !
Hi superlado !
YES ! That what i did 2 months ago, when charming MIL who brang SS to our home didn't have the time to wait for BS and I to come back from the doctor. She left before we arrived and our paths crossed in front of our house. She was driving and even if she had time and space to stop she didn't. She drived in front of me and the stroller with my baby inside.
Then, she called immediatly SS to say "I'm so sorry, i just cross XX, i wanted to stop, but she shot me with her eyes. My heart stoped to beat and i was really affraid to see her. I couln't move, i was petrified with her look". Thanksfully, DH was on the balcony and assisted to the scene. He didn't believe her. Well, since that incident, i blocked her and her entire familly from my phone.
Even if it seems, I didn't react quickly. I waited 5 long months of humiliation and psychological bad treatment. Just to give and overview : when my son came to this world, he went direclty to intensive care unit. He had a decreased in blod sugar level. That wasn't serious and just a time of several days but i was so sad and ALONE (i gave birth during pandemic when visits were not allowed).
MIL called me and said "i pray for you everydays the baby doesn't die". This broke my heart. Thankfully my baby was fine and we came back home 5 days lated, but WAOU ! Are you serious, are you really saying that to a young mother ? That you hope her baby won't die ?
I was so tired and depressed i didn't realize how evil she was.
Phones are not allowed in our home since SS used his to accuse his father of bad treatment. As soon as he walk through the door, we take his phone. If he wants to call his mother, he uses our phone. He is not allowed to call MIL or SIL. And this rule will run untill he turns 18.
When we had our 1st child just over a yr after getting married
2 of my sil and bil came with their kids to hospital just so excited to meet bubs but we're a close knit family. There was no treat them fair and over compensate.
nope in life we make choices and you deal with it. Skids need to know and understand the world doesn't revolve around them just like kids of single households.
Overcompensating does a disservice because it breeds entitlement. When my ss came 2nd day after giving birth, he couldn't be anymore disinterested and fidgeted. His cousins tell him off at the lack of affection he shows to any of our kids. He is not their brother!! Maybe partially by dna and title but not in reality. Our ils are more of a family.
Thanks all for your replies !
Thanks all for your replies !
I cutted ties with ILs the day MIL drived just in front of me and my baby and didn't take a minute to stop and say hello to the baby.
MIL is loyal to BM, so she send SS during her time to her. She is really selfish and enjoy extra child-off times. Plus she is really pleased to see his son is the favorite of DH sons to MIL. I'm sure she believes his son is better than mine.
DH doesn't want SS to go there and don't allow visit on his time. DH also cut ties with his familly.
If i had continued to visit them and allow ILs to visit us again (even if they only came to visit our baby 3 times 30 minutes in 7 months), i would feel like my baby and i were illegetimate familly.
But yes, i lost faith in blended famillies. At least my familly is not a blended one. No one blend to each other ! Nor inlaws, nor SS.
I just keep the right to refuse SS future visitation if he continues to say lies. We told him (with BM support) that this behaviour is absolutely non tolerable, and we hope he will change. However, if he continues, i would not allow him to visit in OUR home anymore. DH will see him in public place or will rend a small B&B.
I just don't want to feel insecure in my own house !
Your in-laws are a real piece
Your in-laws are a real piece of work. What does your husband do to stand up for you?
It is 100% ok to cut ties with them. As for SS when he visits- no phone. If BM needs to reach him per the CO she can call your husbands phone for a chat. Also, cameras in your house help end all the nonsense and accusations. We have had ours for over a year now. Best $100 on amazon I have ever spent.
I brough them on amazon too !
I brough them on amazon too ! Five cameras that record every single second of SS times at home. Except in his bedroom where i don't even put a finger toe.
Best investment i did too. But, sincerly, it's not normal to reach that point of insecurity !
No, none of this s**t is
No, none of this s**t is normal. People shouldn't have to live like this. It doesn't have to be this hard!!!
I hate it. I hate it for me, my kids, my husband and I even hate it for SS because if his mother wasn't such a narcissistic sociopath none of this would even be an issue!
You aren't alone! I was also
You aren't alone! I was also 25 when I met DH and SD. I was so involved in her life. Exactly like you, planned every visit, helped with homework, the list goes on! DH and I got married and PAS started with SD. BM basically brainwashed SD. She already has a lot of mental health disorders, so this definitely didn't help.
Things even got worse when I was pregnant. Constantly talking about how things "aren't fair". I honestly don't even consider SD a half "sister" at this point because she doesn't act like one. She doesn't interact AT ALL with our son. She will try to hide his things. She completely ignores him. She constantly asks if he is coming places with us too. She constantly complains about him. She wants nothing to do with being a family. Sadly, if her behavior is going to continue like that, I don't want her to be either.
My only advice is to continue on your merry way. I personally feel it is DHs job to facilitate the "blending" and the relationships. If a relationship (other than blood) is never formed. Then so be it.
Your message is so
Your message is so heartwarming.
I'm so sorry you are in the same situation here.
Exactly like me. Except the fact that here, it's not BM's PAS but IL'sAS. The result still the same and i'm sure BM enjoy the fact his child is the IL's choosen one. She doesn't have to do anything, ILs do the work for her.
I just came to the point that, whatever you can do for skids, however you invest yourself to bond, they will never acknowledge your efforts. For them, it's absolutely normal, and never enough. You have to give yourself unconditionally. Unconditionally is THE word = you won't have anything in return. You just loose your time, money and health. For me, it's enough.
In my mental representation, my familly is : DH, BS and myself. DH familly is : SS, BS and me. The common element is DH. I can't just feel SS is part of my familly, even if he comes home, and spend time with us.
It's up to DH to facilitate the blending, just as you said.