BM Enrolled SS12 In Therapy
Today is DH's birthday... Tonight BM emails DH (after just seeing him yesterday and not mentioning it) that she enrolled SS12 in therapy because he has been having severe anxiety - BM did not specify what the specific issue is. BM provided DH with the therapist's name/contact information. She informed DH that this provider was "hand selected" by her and doesn't accept insurance so they are privately paying. Session rates would be $125 total per week. DH reviewed the therapist's evaluation and they are labeling it as an "adjustment disorder." BM is a mental health professional, so knowing her and her tactics, SS will be in therapy forever and we will be paying out hand over fist.
DH understands that SS likely has anxiety. He has always been an anxious kid but BM also expects perfection and he is enrolled in multiple sports, Honors math, and soon to be Honors English... And he's only in 7th grade. That is enough to make any kid crack under pressure.
DH is concerned that this is the beginning of the end. My last blog post highlighted that BM approached DH a month or so ago about reducing visitation in our state and either committing to visitation in BM's state and/or eliminating visitation all together. DH said "No" and now BM is pursuing therapy for SS. We think she is trying to build a case that visits are no longer healthy for SS or that the long distance and sacrifices are becoming too much and this is the first step. BM has spent 12 years trying to eliminate DH from SS' life, most of it with the court's blessing. DH said if BM tries to take him back to court to terminate visitation under the guise of SS' mental health, DH will be dropping rope and ceasing visitation. We aren't playing this game anymore.
DH hates being a walking ATM for all of BM's hypochondriac medical expenses, since she has sole custody for all decison making and DH is obligated per the CO to split the costs. A few years back, BM enrolled SS in PT (a week after DD was born) for "toe-walking." SS spent 9 months in PT and we were forced to spend over $800 in medical expenses to pay for what was later diagnosed as "growing pains." BM also has a history of taking SS to the ER frequently for minor childhood illnesses because she works for the hospital and gets a discount. She still fails to understand that a slight discount on a $600 ER bill is still significantly more expensive than a $20 co-pay for a pediatrician sick visit. And of course, DH always has to pay, no matter how expensive for every medical whim.
DH is reaching out to an attorney friend tomorrow for insight into what our obligations are and whether we can refuse to pay, since she didn't attempt to find a provider through insurance.
- CastleJJ's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I hate to have to agree with you, but I do. This is the first
I hate to have to agree with you, but I do. This is the first step in showing that it is just too stressful for SS to visit his Dad. I know you are done with court, but I would sure look into whether DH has to pay for therapy when BM chose an out of network therapist. You know she "handpicked" someone who she is sure will see things her way. I am so sorry for you guys...
DH researched the therapist.
DH researched the therapist. He worked at the same hospital as BM. It is a huge health system, so we don't know if BM knows him personally or not, which if she does, might have influenced BM's decision to pick him.
DH is calling our attorney friend tomorrow to figure out what we need to do.
If they work together it's a
If they work together it's a conflict of interest (dual role- he can't be her colleague and her kids therapist) so the therapist can get into trouble with the licensing board... (a friend of mine was in a similar predicament with her ex around this issue)...
Also, I'd request access to speak with the therapist. If BM refuses- you can still leave them a VM and/or relay information to the therapist. They can hear information they just can't respond without a release.
I am also a mental health
I am also a mental health professional, so I know the ethical issues with dual relationships. Our bigger issue is trying to prove that in a massive health system with tens of thousands of employees, these two happen to know each other. Proving it would be impossible.
DH plans to send a copy of the CO that shows that DH is entitled to access to records to the therapy office so he can obtain any therapy notes. He has the therapist's name/phone number.
Until The Mental Health System
Recognizes PAS as real and for the child abuse that it is, maternal PAS will always win. The only glimmer of hope is watching some latest court programs on youtube where judges have finally figured it out.
Obvious psych op to announce this on DH's bday.
It really is unfortunate that
It really is unfortunate that she has all the power and he just has to "take it".
It would have been better if it could have been stipulated that in order to get reimbursement that she use "in network" providers (with some reasonable exception for an emergency... on a cruise in a foreign country.. ) Just preferring a certain therapist shouldn't be enough... seeking this treatment is not an emergency life threatening situation.
She could still have decision making but with some guardrails to help.
BTW.. we also had a situation where my YSD ended up with some expensive heart screenings at age 11... turns out.. it was.. tadaaaa growing pains.
Yeah unfortunately our order
Yeah unfortunately our order doesn't stipulate any of that. And given that BM is a hypochondriac, we are now kicking ourselves for not having something like that added.
If she tries to use therapy
If she tries to use therapy to reduce time.. saying her son is too "nervous" and "anxious" to see dad.
I would argue that the solution would actually be MORE time with dad and less in high pressure sporting events.. so that his son becomes more comfortable with his father.. not becoming more estranged.
Good point.
Good point.
I don't think any reasonable court/judge will think less time with a parent helps the kid mentally ... unless there is extreme abuse or neglect going on
BM seems like a neurotic mess. If anything the SS is probably anxious because of her ... ijs
Its obvious BM is playing a game
To cut DH out of his sons life. You must fight her .. fight her on everything. Don't give a ihch. Sports are good for any child. That's '''todays play date'''. Gets kids to make friends. Work as a team the whold nine yards. Most parents help out with the team somehow. '
you really need to talk with your lawer. The CO doesn't specify. SS must see in network doctors. There must be in network DR, who are not friends with BM. We all want to see the best DR. in the world but we can't afford that.
'Keep fighting
Having a neurotic BM really
Having a neurotic BM really sucks.
Could consult with your lawyer if you have one or able to get one.
Afaik - you can't just unilaterally sign a kid up for anything and expect the other parent to pay. Doesn't work like that. She can sign him up for trips to mars IF she's going to pay 100% out of her pocket otherwise if she expects your DH to pay his portion then she should have consulted with him first AND found someone who takes health insurance to lessen to financial expense.
As a parent your DH should also have access to the medical notes / records he is entitled to and paying for.
Keep meticulous records showing your/your DH efforts to maintain a relationship so SS can't come back later and say y'all abandoned him.
Don't let this nutjob break the family court law unscathed. I see where y'all would want to give up because that lady is hellbent on making it hard to coparent but try to counteract her manipulative tactics if you can.
If it were me I'd have my lawyers drag her up and down that family court room floor with court orders ... play stupid games -> win stupid prizes
DH spoke to our attorney
DH spoke to our attorney friend. He advised us that the courts feel in-network providers should be exhausted prior to utilizing out-of-network or private pay providers. He advised DH to respond, stating his disagreement, providing her a list of in-network providers, and explaining that he will follow the CO to pay an in-network provider. The attorney said if BM disagrees and submits for reimbursement, we would need to file a motion to address it, which he feels can be done without an attorney. DH said we would determine at that point if we want to proceed and fight or just pay our portion.
DH already sent an email to BM, including everything outlined above and he has left a voicemail for the current therapist. We shall see.
Sadly....
I have to agree with you. She's amp-ing up the PAS. And I'm sure it's exactly as you say....she's angry about your DH not accepting her demands and now is punishing him.
Personally, I'm sure she KNOWS that therapist and I'd dig into that one, just as a back up plan. Definitely go with the in-network only. I would not pay a red cent to that woman on the out-of-network therapist. She wants that route, she can pay. Only a court would force me to pay the out of network fees. This is one hill I'd die on.
I'm sorry Castle....you really have one disgusting BM to deal with. Sick witch.
UPDATE
BM responded back to DH and she is PISSED. She is arguing that DH is responsible for covering the cost. She admitted to DH that she has worked with him in the past and knows him. She also provided DH with the reasons she picked him (1) he is Christian, (2) he supports same-sex families, and (3) he has extensive experience working with split households. BM highlighted that all of these factors are important to SS and that is why they picked him. I'm sorry, but him being Christian and supporting same-sex is important to BM and GF, not SS. BM went on to say she will follow FOC process for submitting these expenses and if DH refuses, she will proceed with court action. She also made note that she is disappointed that when SS is struggling, all DH was concerned about was money and not what SS was going through.
DH is not responding.
"Sorry, but he isn't covered
"Sorry, but he isn't covered by my insurance. Maybe I can find someone who is. I'll let you know. "
Time to go Sherlock Holmes on BM's idiot ass and bring the pain.
Your story has had me shaking my head for a very long time regarding why DH and you keep jumping through your own asses backwards like BM's trained circus fleas.
Start countering anything and everything she does. Pay for nothing but CS. Everything else start holding her accountable for suffering the consequences for her decisions. She chose to not use the benefits, that is on her. Let her threaten court. If she actually goes to court, show up with a shit ton of paper and records, keep her on the hot seat, and make her earn every Cent beyond CS. Go pro-se. Start diving into the plethera of divorced dad web sites and compiling strategies to use to counter BM's crap.
If she is going to pull her shit, invest in making her suffer as your fondest hobby. A key to that is making sure that SS knows what his toxic mommy is and has no choice but to recognize her bullshit.
I am sorry but a kid that age does not give a shit about a LGBTQ embracing Christian therapist. If anything, this kid needs a secular professional therapist focused only on what the kid needs and not a hand selected pawn of BM to press her agenda on the kid.
Call BM's bluff. Have this in your quiver of arrows if she plays the court card. Motion to have SS seen by a therapist covered by benefits and provide the Judge with a list of in network therapists in your area and ask the Judge to mandate the use of one of them rather than a hand selected BM pawn that force feeds this kid BM's and GF's bullshit and agenda.
IMHO the goal is effective therapy for this kid. We have a very dear friend who focused her therapy using Church based tharapists and her pastor. I would listen to her discuss it and finally stated my concerns that while I appreciated her dedication to her faith that her faith and her therapy might be better if she separated them. Eventually she and her faith based therapist parted ways. When that happened she focused on engaging a well researched secular professional therapist. That was a good move for her and has made a significant improvement in her recovery. Therapy is a tool. Use the right tool, and things tend to resolve more effectively. Choose the wrong tool, and things can grow more frustrating. You don't pick a hammer to install a nut on a bolt. So to speak.
I would consider presenting BM's and GF's aganda driven bullshit as detrimental to the wellbeing of this kid and make the remainder of the CO years about aggressively defending the kid from their bullshit.
Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this.
Good luck.
She admitted she knows him?
She admitted she knows him? You have that in writing? They BOTH work in the mental health field? Contact the licensing board on both of them... dual role... not okay.
I'm sure that in that big
I'm sure that in that big health care system she works in she can find another therapist who fits that criteria and is also in network. She makes some other BM's on this site look like angels in comparison. Horrid woman she is!
Oh boy I am sorry.
Oh boy
I am sorry.
Yea, the call on the birthday
Yea, the call on the birthday. Right out of the handbook. What a nasty bitch.
Refuse to pay since BM refused to use covered therapists.
Or, let BM pay, you submit the therapy to insurance, and pocket all of the money.
Out of network practitioners are often covered though at a lower rate. Let BM deal with her own idiocy.
I would stop being this biotches fire hydrant to lift her leg on and go scorched earth on her nasty ass with zero tolerance. She wants to be nasty, out nasty her so much that she gets zero quarter.
Grrrrrr.
I m so angry for you in all of this.
I have been investing time in blended family legal sites.
There appears to be two main camps. The adnauseum detail parenting plan in addition to the CO camp. And the low detail more general CO camp.
I am in the CO and supplemental county rule and State regulation camp. Adnauseum detail parenting plans seem to drive amplification of conflict.
I am also the dictate and defend camp. A manipulative toxic opposition is like a bully. They bully and keep bullying until someone beats the shit out of them with overwhelming violence and sends a message that the bully will never forget.
Our model started with defending an attempt by the SpermClan to take custody of SS-32 when he was 1yo when SpermGrandHag lost her shit when my bride and I started dating. At that point it was game on. We did not have much of the evolving situation crap to deal with. Nearly on day one it was clear. Like the line drawn in the dirt in front of the Alamo the sides were clear. Defenders on one side, attackers on the other. Our stance was that SS's best interests were our platform. Theirs was control. From that point it was a simple decision on any issue. Yes, or no.
After DW successfully defended the custody assault, it was then a simple matter of putting up with their shit or not. DW was far more willing to give them a chance than I was. It took a few cycles of beating them into submission then DW backing off and them immediately going back to their toxic bullshit before DW recognized that they were shit and would go toxic if she gave them any quarter at all. So, no more.
In high conflict failed family situations, basically most failed family situations, if the Xs could get along and cooperate they would not be Xs.
Confidence, intelligence, and knowing all of the information makes for a solid advantage. This IMHO includes making sure the opposition knows that if they get stupid and toxic it is instantly game on 24/7. Their choice. FAFO with an instantly painful response. No tolerance for toxic manipulation.