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Update to SS12 Visit; Feeling Lost and Stuck

CastleJJ's picture

T-minus 17 hours until SS12 returns to BMLand. While I love SS and enjoy spending time with him, these visits are becoming more and more taxing due to BM/GF interference. 

BM and GF have texted SS AT LEAST 10 times every day. It is more GF than it is BM, asking how the weather is, asking if SS watched the football game on TV, asking if SS has been working out like he's supposed to, sharing links back and forth, BM and GF sending selfies, sending photos of their dog, telling him how much they love and miss him, etc. They Facetimed once earlier this week and BM texted DH earlier, asking for another FaceTime call this evening (to ensure they get the full 2 calls per week that are allowable per the CO) despite the fact that SS literally goes home tomorrow and they have been texting him all day. BM and GF literally just sent him a text 5 minutes ago, yet they are calling him in an hour. GF texted SS earlier asking if he had been lifting weights and he immediately ran downstairs to workout. I just can't. And its not like SS is really texting his friends like I expected - it's just BM and GF. 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I enjoy when SS visits and we have a good time. SS worships DD3 and he blends with our family really well for the most part. But I also see this constant flip flop in behavior and attitude. It's like one day he's super excited to see us and spend time with us and he's really engaged as a member of this family, and the next we are extended family members/walking ATM with little to no influence on his life and BM and GF are his only family/parental figures and he is only here out of obligation and dying to go home. And with BM and GF ramping up their involvement in our home via the cell phone, it feels like we are constantly competing for SS' attention, even when he's right in front of us.

I lost it on DH the other day and told him I can't live like this anymore. I can't spend my life waiting around for SS. I feel like every day, week, and month is us just going through the motions, getting through the days, until SS arrives. Then we spend days and weeks preparing for his arrival, we have a great time when he's here, and then he goes back to BM and the cycle repeats itself. I told DH that I feel like a crappy mother to DD because I feel like I cannot give DD all the love and attention she deserves because I'm consumed with step life crap. I feel like when SS was DD's age, I was so engaged with him, played with him, made things magical, etc. With DD, I feel like I have a shorter fuse, don't play with her as much, and don't do the special things like I did with SS. DH thinks it is because we have to fight for SS' love and attention, plus we don't see him as often, so we go all out when he's here; where DD loves us unconditionally and is here everyday so we can let our guard down and live normally. I don't know what it is but I feel terrible. I am also a higher anxiety person so I feel like we have a stranger living with us and I have to tip-toe around SS, careful to not do or say the wrong thing, careful to make sure SS wants to be here and is happy, to make sure he has everything he needs, etc. My anxiety can't take it and it takes me several days to "come down" from SS visits. I told DH that while I like when SS visits and I don't want him out of our lives, I also wouldn't be overly devastated if the visits stopped all together. I feel like I just want to get to a point where this is all over (even though I know it's never really over), so I can grieve what could have been, and we can focus on our family and our life. I'm sick of this limbo we are constantly in. I saw a post on social media the other day that said "I regret raising my own children in the chaos created by another woman" and I feel that deep in my core. I didn't anticipate these hardships when I got pregnant with DD because we had strong boundaries in place. But now, SS is the one loosening those boundaries and figuratively inviting BM and GF into our home and I regret this life for DD. I hate that BM and GF's toxic bullshit has such an impact on me and on her and I hate how upset DD is when SS leaves. My heart just hurts. I feel like 2024 has been such a challenge for me mentally and emotionally and I'm just so lost. 

I don't know what DH should do. I don't know if he should email BM, letting her know that the constant contact with SS during our visit was inappropriate and disruptive and won't be tolerated going forward. I know this is likely useless and will only cause BM to ramp up even more. Or if we should just limit how much access SS has to his phone during visits, which I know will likely be a fight with SS. Like they can text him all day, every day, but he won't have the phone enough to truly respond to it all, thus limiting their influence. I don't know. I am so at a loss and this is all new territory for us. I miss the simple days where BM and GF had to go through DH to schedule a call and there was no contact outside of those calls. 

SS comes back again in 2 weeks for a 3 day weekend and I'm already dreading it and the drama it will bring. 

Thanks for listening to my rant. 

Comments

Rags's picture

If I were daddy I would take his phone and only return it for 10mins each evening and give him 30mins twice a week for the COd phone calls. I would not tell him to call. I would set a timer for the 10mins every evening and a second timer for the 30min call twice a week. Then... time for bed, Hand me the phone.

He engages in the family until the Harpy squad interferes. So take that away limiting it to a very small and controlled daily window. I would.  If that makes them mad, so be it.  If they have the fortitude to take it to court, smack them with the constant text crap intrusion. Of course delay, delay, delay, document, document, document and when you get in front of the judge, go for their throats.

BM and her GF are interfering in SS's time with his family when with DH, you and his sib.  Demonstrate support of contact just in case, but make it extremely limited and structured.

Never once did any adult in the SpermClan call to talk with SS.  Only after SS got a cell phone in 8th grade (given to him by us for our convenience) did anyone in the SpermClan call. It was a few years later that his younger spermidiot spawned half sibs would call. He and his sister both detest the SpermIdiot. She is the only in the SpermClan to ever call SS.  Sadly they turned her into their mouthpiece and she started being the manipulation conduit for SpermGrandHag to manipulate SS trying to guilt him into "repaying the 16+ years of CS" which was the next to last nail in their coffins with him.  The last nail was the shift to "you should set up a direct deposit of your pay to help support your younger sibs".

Every conversation we have with SS-32 I ask if he has "talked to anyone in (SpermLand)?" Nope. Not in years.  His frustration, lack of respect, and commitment to himself to keep them out of his life is firm.  I advise that he reach out to them occasionally just to maintain the communication channel. Nope, He knows that they are people he is supposed to love. He does not respect them at all. So, no place in his life for them. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I think I'm with Rags on this one, DH needs to figure out how to limit the phone. If SS was talking to friends it would be different, I understand that is how kids connect. But if the main thing that is happening with the phone is contact with BM and GF 10 times a day, that is in no way necessary. I agree, trying to reason with BM would not work.

SS is just about old enough to understand how contact with BM intereferes with his time with you. It would be a difficult conversation and it would get back to BM, but DH might start laying the groundwork to have a serious conversation about how all the contact with them affects SS when he is with you - and how you guys do not contact him that often when he is home. Maybe that is the place to start? Could DH ramp up the texts he sends to SS?

Rags's picture

the time SS is with your side of the blended family equation and make it clear that their interference has to stop. Then, take the phone.

I agree with mirroring BM/GF's overwhelming interference. DH needs to start texting and calling SS incessantly.  Dozens of texts per day and twice a week calls. If is good for the geese, it is good for the gander.  

Play both cards.  Take the phone except for 10mins each evening and for two 30mn calls a week and them flood SS's phone when he leaves back to BM/GF.

 On top of that I would flood the court with a contempt motion against BM/GF for visitation interference and have them both read every single text from the witness stand for the edification of the Judge. Have your lawyer print it all out and submit it as evidence then call both BM then GF to the stand to bare their asses while they read each and every text.

I have no tolerance for this kind of crap from an unreasonable manipulative toxic side of a blended family structure.  They need to live the pain of the bared ass for their crap.

SS needs clear discussion on the fact that BM and her GF are interfering and it is wrong.  Explain to him why his phone goes in a locked drawer except for the short period each night and for the two calls.

I would.

Pardon

IMHO of course.

CastleJJ's picture

DH is going to initiate strong phone limits at the next visit in a few weeks. DH is going to sit SS down when he gets here and set the expectation that the phone remains on the counter and can only be checked a few times per day. DH tried that between yesterday and today and it was well received by SS; he did listen and leave it on the counter and it made his behavior and engagement with us better. DH knows he can't stop BM and GF from blowing up SS' phone, but he can limit how often SS sees/engages with it. From what I understand, it sounds like BM and GF text with SS all the time when he is with them too (which is odd because he's literally in the same house). 

DH is also going to increase how often he texts SS. He was only texting a few times per week, and usually only if SS initiated it, to maintain boundaries and respect their time. But now, all bets are off and he is going to be texting a lot more. DH said if BM calls him out on it, he will have no problem calling out the double standard and highlighting the ridiculous number of texts received this week. 

AgedOut's picture

I think this is one of those situations where you have to try things one way until they work or don't and if they don't then try something new. I'm hoping this works and it eases some of your discomfort.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I think that sounds great. And honestly, it may give SS a sense of peace. He probably doesn't really want to communicate with them that much, and we know he doesn't have the strength to stand up to them - so if DH essentially does it for him, he may be ok with it. The blame can go on DH instead of SS. Tougher for DH with BM, but if SS is ok with it, that is what matters.

Harry's picture

Are at vastly different stages in there life's.  You should be planning thing DD will enjoy. Santa village. Raindeer farm.  Make sure you o lan a summer trip just tge three of you.  
'SS phone is going to be a problem.  He not going to be happy not using his phone.  You are going to have to come up with a phone he can used. 

Kara55's picture

No other advice to add, but I have to say that I am furious on your behalf. You have one of the worst BMs on the site. I hope the day comes when SS can break free from his abusive mother and her idiot partner. He is so fortunate to have you and DH in his corner. Sometimes kids really do figure it out...I hope he is one of them.

MissK03's picture

The phone thing and limiting SS phone time while he is at your house won't last long. He is almost a teenager and right now it's just BM and GF but by next year it will be more etc etc. 

My honest advice to you is start accepting the reality that BM/GF will have contact with him in your house.. you need to remove your feelings surrounding this subject.. speak to whoever (this site, friends, etc) on how to navigate this ... 

Now remember... my skids have lived with us 24/7 since 2018 and prior to that EOWE at BMs. So clearly BM had contact with them via cellphone because they stopped going to their house.

Now this used to frustrate me... once she got an iPhone (BM always had droids) she would FaceTime SD on occasion. Now we have no idea what she does, work etc yet she has a window in our house... I get exactly how you feel.

This is way you need to remove your feelings surrounding this and focus on BD. You do need to give SS credit... he is very resilient  then most skids you read about... the fact that he enjoys BD and you guys usually has a good time is awesome. Focus more on this... you need to let go of BM/GF. 

thinkthrice's picture

We all know the constant invasions of text and phone calls while SS is at your house is pure PAS AKA giving SS the impression that you don't know how to parent and need constant supervision by the almighty HCGUBM and her bed buddy.  

For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction so because hcgubm has been so used to getting her way and infringing on all your rights she will ramp up the PAS and it will cause SS to pull away from you should you decide to limit the phone.   

TBH that should have been done from the onset  aka many years ago, but because the model up to this point has been to acquiesce,  taking the phone away now and insisting on Dad's rights is going to lead to World War 3.

The other option is just to treat SS as a long distance cousin that visits once in awhile.  I think DD could get used to this.  And as Harry said go ahead and treat DD to all kinds of special fun when SS is not there.

Rags's picture

If the opposition floods the kid's phone when the kid is with you, blow the phone up when the kid is at the opposition parent's home.  10X more than the opposition parent does it.

The side most commited to dominating the situation, will dominate the situation.

In our case the SpermClan was hell bent on controlling, demanding, and manipulating.  We made sure we were more committed to delivering pain on them effectively with every legal, social, and finacial tool at our disposal.  We had a fully clear conscience and welcomed any attempt they made to dig into our lives and background.  They hated those things when we did them. We had and still have nothing to hide. They on the other hand are scared shitless of t heir noxious multigenerational crap coming to light.

Play but play to win and play to destroy the toxic opposition. Like any bully, getting busted in the face with a well placed fist ends their crap.  Immediate overwhelming agression ends the toxic opposition far more often than not.

thinkthrice's picture

However the precedent has been set for many years now.  Doing a rug pull now and at this age would be super rough.

Look at what happened when Dad enforced his rights to a poster that hasn't been on here in a long time, Justmakingthe bestofit.  I think her husband was military and was going to Japan I think... she was stuck at home with her grown stepson.  Younger SS completely PASed out and was doing crap with his life.  They tried everything from catering to him, catering to the HCGUBM, and enforcing parental rules,  none of which worked.