DH has decided that I am the problem VENT ...long
DH and I have had two weeks of nonstop tension and fighting. It has seriously made me question our relationship for the first time in three years. The major source of our tension is...you guessed it..the skids. They are off of school and enrolled in every single activity under the sun. DH has been working crazy hours the last two weeks (think 70 hour work weeks, gone for two or three days at a time)...this leaves me to take care of our 1yr old AND be the chauffer,cook, entertainment committee etc for the skids (they are with us 50/50). Oh...and by the way...I also am going to school full time for my MBA. In addition DH's layoff and subsequent new job left us living on 40,000 for a family of 5. Money is tight and every time we have to go out to buy the skids new riding clothes for 4H ($500) or clarinet for band ($300), or pay for the UTI medical bills because BM lets SD sleep in her pee soaked sheets at night, I get so angry I could spit.
Why am I angry? Maybe its because I have spent thousands of dollars of my money (savings) being spent to bail him and his kids out financially (lawyer bills, house remodel etc).. or perhaps that DH allows the skids to walk all over him, or maybe that I moved to his crappy house in his crappy town 1 1/2 hours away from my friends and family so that his skids wouldn't have to adjust to anything. Perhaps its because BM and DH have dumped the child rearing of their kids on me, yet seem surprised that I feel like I have been cut and pasted into his life to meet his needs. My mom once stated that I have given up so much, but he hadn't had to change a single aspect of his life for me. You know what...she was right.
And DH's big complaint? That I'm always "snippy" with him when he gets home from work. He knows that there has been a disconnect, but he feels that I am the problem. His exact words were that Catlover is always testy and he just doesn't understand why. I try to sit down and calmly talk to him. Everytime I bring up an issue that I feel hurts me or makes me angry...his response it to get defensive. He actually has the nerve to say that I don't stop to think about how HE feels about the situation. Ummmmm yeah, everything I have done has been thinking about how HE feels.
I am just so tired and frustrated. If he is unwilling to listen to my feelings without making me feel like I am a horrible person, I see serious trouble ahead.
thanks for listening
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projection
what about your feelings? When H and I were talking reconcilliation he had the nerve to suggest that I should just do anything he wanted me to and then things would be allright.
I was a big dummy taking him into consideration and ignoring my own needs, but I don't need a man that bad...
I think the mistake a lot of us have made is to offer our best selves to these men and then they just take us for granted and have an expectation of always being selfless.
In this econimy, you cannot afford to be so selfless. BTW moms are ususally right in their assesment of "our" men, I know mine was.
One can only hope!
Wow, are we sharing a life or what?!
That's pretty much how it's been for me...living in fh's house, my friends/family 2 hrs away, etc. It's a very difficult road to hoe.
I don't have a single suggestion to fix everything. I was doing good with the LoveDare, which got fh thinking and changing...things were great. The problem is if I am "me"--i.e. snippy, bitchy, etc., he is like, uh oh we're back to the way things were. He likes me if I'm a bubble headed bleach blonde(I am so I can say that lol), but gets irritated if I have "feelings" or "needs" or make him "think".lol
I have found the softer approach works wonders with these types of guys. I approach it like a dumb blonde (again I'm role playing not putting anyone down lol) and he responds way better than when I get angry and crazy. Don't get me wrong, there are times where crazy-angry are completely appropriate and he should shudder in fear lol, but nice gets you further with these bonehead guys than mean.
The problem too is you get so frustrated you vent on them in a not so nice way and they take it wrong. Even if you just voice a frustration, they HEAR it as you criticizing THEM. I have this happen constantly. So, I vent here and in therapy and try to be more gentle in how I handle things at home. I try to speak to fh like I would the skids--I would never scream or swear at them, so I try to make that the goal with fh too. It doesn't always work, but when it does it makes life alot smoother.
I don't know if playing dumb or faking nice when you want to rip his face off is the right thing, ya know? I do it because I'm trying to empathize with him and think hey, maybe I am being a little bitchy about this, maybe I ought to tone it down a little... But maybe these guys need a good screaming-at sometimes so they know we're not doormats.
No matter how crappy things are going though, you still have everybody on here--we've been there, done that and got the tshirt.lol Vent anytime sister.
Hugs, LT
Okay, call his bluff!
Ask him to tell you how he feels. Sit there, wait for him to tell you exactly what his needs are that aren't being met. Ask him to phrase all this in "I" statements (I feel ....") rather than "you" statements ("You never... you always..."). Sit quietly, don't interrupt, and do the active listening thing -- i.e., at the end of what he says, say, "So, here's what I hear you saying. Am I getting this correct?" and paraphrase what he has said, and keep doing that until he says you've gotten it right. Really listen. And then, schedule a time a day or two later for him to do the same thing: he now needs to listen to you, without interrupting except for a clarification if he doesn't understand, and when you're done, he needs to recite back to you what he's heard you saying, keeping at it until you are confident that he's completely heard you.
After that, he should, if he's mature, know what your issues are and that you are not the "problem". He should have a sense of what your needs are which aren't getting met, and you should have a sense of his. Then you can work out solutions for them.
If he's not interested or able to do this -- if he continues to belittle your needs or say you're the problem and he's blameless, well, then you have another problem. Google active listening if you want to have your H read some stuff on it ahead of time so he gets what it's about and why it's a good technique. Here's one site:
http://themarriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/couples-counsel...
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I have sometimes thought about whether or not I am the problem
in my blended family drama myself.
Then I realign with the realization that my primary focus is and always has been my marriage and what is in the best interest of my Son (my SS) and I realize that though I am many things, I am not THE problem.
From what you describe, you are not THE problem either. In any relationship each participating individual owns some element of the drama. But ultimately if we are focusing on the needs of our spouse and our kids/Skids then though we may own some of the problems we are not THE problem.
Congrats on DH's new job and hang in there on the MBA. MY Wife and I both did our MBAs while married, working and raising a young(er) child. It is worth it and it will pay off. When you finish the clouds may not part and gold coins may not fall from the sky immediately but it will return incredible dividends for you personally, professionally and for your family in the years to come.
It has for both of us.
Hang in there.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)