It just kills me sometimes. Today is my son's 10th birthday. He lives in Austin Tx. w/ his dad. Both of my kids do. I woke up today, and even though I sent him a card in the mail, I wanted to send one online for him today. I thought it would be a nice surprise. As I'm creating and sending the card....I feel this tremendous feeling of sorrow settle in on me. He is only 10...and so far away. The day he was born, I would have never guessed it would turn out like this. The reason my kids live with my Ex is a long story, We both decided as we split, that he would have custody, and they would remain in their home,( I moved in w/ a female friend) and, he would support them, because he makes alot of $$, and I wanted to keep things as peaceful as possible, and a custody battle w/ him would be anything but!! And he would do it too. I had been a stay at home mom from age 22 , so I had no real income potential.....and wanted to try to create something for myself that would be worthwhile. YES, I could have been tough, and took the kids from him, and demand child support, alimony, etc. whatever I could get.And stick him w/ the pathetic visitation schedule fathers often get. I could/would have put myself, my kids, and even him thru hell with the fighting that would have created, and neither one of us would be able to move on and have our "own" lives. How was I to know then, that my Ex 's job would move him away from Fl. to Tx., and my kids along with him. I remember the day he told me he was going, I was sitting at a local restarunt with him, 5 months preggers, and in the middle of a custody battle between my skids, DH, & BM. I was a streesed out mess.I had to stop working, and was trying to help my DH w/ his kids, I was broke as s--t. He begged me to let them go w/ him, that he would be able to support them even better than before, and we could keep things informal, and do visitation the way we wanted to do it, flying them back and forth. I agreed it was the right thing to do. As you may know from my past posts, I have had alot happen this past year. But my kids have been safe and sound. We are very close, and communicate alot. They will be here next week, it's been just over a year from the last time I saw them, I have not been able to take visitation w/ them due to circumstances. I fill out my son's b-day card and send it......and the guilt that I feel sometimes is overwhelming. I love my kids so much.....and I hope to god they always know that I did what I did out of love for them. I would rather take the pain of missing them , than for them to live in a drama filled chaotic life. I never imagined while making these decisions w/ their dad, that it would be like this....and maybe I should have. I hear them happy, see them happy, I hope in their hearts that they really are......that deep down they don't wish for some thing different.