Disengagement Diary August 9, 2021

Hello kind folks. Hope everyone is well today. I am! Ive been working on the disengagement, and its working!

Took the day off Friday, and went to a spa-resort type place in a warm sunny canyon, with my lovely woman friend. We werent supposed to talk, but you know how that goes...!

Went out for a lovely out on a-patio-in-the-sun lunch after. Came home feeling dreamy and happy, and also like I just got back from a workout. I can attribute that to the forays into the steam room. The place is a secret hidden gem, and you go from cold to hot and then bake and then lounge...warm balmy breezes, the sound of water falling, pure and utter bliss.

Everything was fabulous - too sleepy and relaxed to go out, lol.

Saturday was also wonderful - cleaned house and did laundry (DH and I, SD backstabber was in her room not helping at all, just talking on the phone with Kansas City, but who cares?). We got dressed up and set off for a cliffside dinner down the blanketed coast (it was fogged in) and then a brilliant outdoor live performance of fire dancing, cabaret and arial silks. With poetry and strange beats. So nice!

Sunday, DH went fishing and I did a 7 mile hike with new friends, and after a few moments rest, off to a warm sunny valley fiesta with more new and old friends, under an old oak tree. Live music and dancing (as much as my poor worked out muscles would let me!) I so love where we live. And my friends dont reat me like Im some monster that is a horrible person. They know about my situation and help me move on from it. No more allowing space in my head to be rented out to the swine. I hardly even thought about visitation schedules.

I came home after, and everyone is relaxed. Heard the good news that SD15 B/M is going to go back to her previous Monday-Monday rotation that we had in effect before the Wed-Wed change. Toxic Troll "agreed to it", and Ive not heard any grousing...

So, all good in the hood.

DH did try to ask me Friday if I could maybe pick up kiddo from school on my way home from lunch, but I said "ah no". Disengagement!

At the dinner table last night I breezily asked "So when do you get to make some ceramics!" (forget about that pesky ol FART), and listened offhand as she prattled on about her back to school welcome activities. "ahhh, uh huh, ok, interesting, thats nice, ok cool!"

Meanwhile Im mulling over my next adventure..lol. During my hike, Id recounted all the steps Id taken to help SD15 over the years. I got the comment back, "maybe she'll come to her senses with time, and understand what you actually did for her"...to which my reply was "yeah, but it doesnt really matter now...its all good but, it was a big mistake, time to move forward..."

Im getting there, folks and disengaging is FUN.

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Comments

This is an excellent post,

This is an excellent post, really happy to hear you are doing so well and enjoying yourself to the fullest.

Just getting started!!!

I am meeting some wonderful new folks, and maintaining things with wonderful old friends. New ideas are happening. AND Im getting fitter not fatter (Im overweight and WEAK).

So this was a hopeful/helpful jumpstart into regular workout and caretaking sessions. Just got so far deep in that emotional rut.

Who the heck cares whats hapening with someone elses child? And their schooling? Im no longer involved with parenting, so that detatchment is really showing me how far down the hole I went. No longer putting myself out there. Im now used to protecting myself and avoiding those questions of "what is blankety blank blank doing?" If shes out of my space, mores the better.

Im no longer concerned and its freeing.

But more than that, I feel my mood shifting. The energy is shifting. Its weird. I am now looking back at how engrossed I was with DH's family and life and all that and now I have my own life and his family really has nothing to do with us and Im ok with that. Saw DH's sisters, they smiled and walked away. He asked me "so what did they say?" I said "not much, actually they just smiled and walked on..." he said thats unfortunate.

I said "well, Im your wife and nothing more or less, and its unfortunate, but its ok, they dont get to know me and they dont care, and neither do I". It is what it is.

You are trying

But you must make a stand. As in do nothing for BSM. Spend no time with her, No money on her. DH should be taking her fishing to get out of the house. She can call KC from the fishing place. No babysitteing for DH No entertaining BSM

Im gone.

I was gone the entire weekend. DH was soley responsible for making sure she had food (he ordered her a pizza for our date night), and she stayed in her room. No invitations from me either. No thing. Im not going to battle over fishing. No rides anywhere.

It will be fun when she wants to have sleep over rides on his weekend, because I am definitely taking a stand with that too.

I spent zero money on feeding her. No entertaining. Nada. More importantly I didnt think about things, either.

Yeah, she's 15. If DH goes on

Yeah, she's 15. If DH goes on a bike ride or out to do something and she's left here, I'm ok with that b/c she just stays in her room. She can make her own dinner. Since she's not 7 I don't entertain or really 'babysit' I just do my own thing. But I will not take her anywhere or anything like that.

Good on you.

But remember this is a long game. Be prepared for that itch that says, "But if they only did...or if she only could...I could ask...DH should do...." That is your key to tell yourself "Do not speak, do not say a word, do nothing." That is my mantra if I feel like 'doing.' It works!