Why did you even get involved to start with? You knew this would bring on drama. Over and over and over again, you have been told to disengage and you continue to meddle in the steps' business. Your DH is clearly never going to step up and be the parent you want him to be so you either accept it (read: disengage) or leave him (which you are never going to do). Yet you continue to not disengage. 

And texting SD about helping you was just stirring up the pot more. Once again, I'll ask you to seek therapy as I really think you are addicted to drama. Over the years, you continually meddle and involve youself despite cries from the masses to disengage. Did you ever question why you involve yourself so much? You also hold so much resentment for SD,s you need to get that in check, in my opinion. I worry for you. 

I''d  let it all go.  I wouldnt ask about the Thanksgiving plans, eiither.  If she's with you when you walk in your Mom's, i'm sure your mom can set out an extra plate.

As far as the job, you already know you and DH have different ideas about education, probably different views about teenagers working, too.  His kid, his decision..  

Part of it is being 15. Part of it is neither parent cares.

I would not coordinate plans any longer. That's up to DH. I'd tell him that we need to leave at X time. At that time if SD15 is not there he either leaves with you, or he stays and figures out Thanksgiving for the two of them when she arrives. 

It's not SD that would bother me. It's the fact that DH does not care about inconveniencing your parents. 

As to the working, if DH does not care if 15 follows the path of FF,  I'd make it clear she is doing it in TT's apartment not your house. 

I'm a little confused, just clarifying. You told DH that SD could get a job somewhere and he said no. Okay, fine, his kid.  Then SD was bratty at dinner and you wanted DH to notice that she mistreats you, so you texted her to prove to him she would mistreat you again? I just want to make sure I understand. 
 

If I do understand then I agree that you are really still struggling with disengaging. Here's how it could go: you bring up the job, he says no. You move on (this is assuming that bringing up the job is just conversational and not an attempt to change how he parents). 
 

As for how she treats you, stop cleaning for her. Stop eating with her. Stop doing anything for her. If he asks why, tell him. If he gets mad and defends her, so be it. 

If you are still mad about what happened with her, then totally disengage and have little to do with her beyond, "hi SD, how are you? Great, glad to hear it." Like you would a co-worker.

Otherwise you are still trying to control and fix things.

I get your frustration. Even though we know that we shouldn't get involved when it comes to our skids, sometimes we can't help but voice our opinions, make suggestions...whatever...especially when they live under our roof.  We're human.  We falter. 

For the record,  I got my first part time job at 15.  I remember having loved the feeling that it made me feel more adult, although clearly at 15 I was not.  I don't think that your mentioning those jobs was way out of line.  It's not as though you made any surreptitious calls to the 2 businesses on her behalf.  However, you said that you mentioned it to DH.  How did SD come to know about it? One way or the other, You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for it bringing it up...in my opinion.  But, I'm not terribly surprised to hear that they were snarky during dinner. 

At this point, I would just put all of your methods of communication to these two to the side and take a few hours to collect yourself again.  Enjoy that hike.  I also doubt at this point that she'll be wanting to join you for Thanksgiving dinner.  It is, what it is...

Oh, Clove, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

You don't need proof that SD has no loyalty to you and feels no obligation to you, whatsoever. I'm sorry that you felt that the two of you had a special bond, but that's not the case. She was just better at "going along to get along" than her sister was.

You have to stop expecting her to thank you, to be grateful, to be helpful.

 Stop testing theories. Stop trying to go back in time. Stop engaging.

I say this with all love and compassion. Just STOP. This girl is never going to change and neither is your DH.

I'm speaking for experience. I stayed in the "game" way too long. 12 years. Almost destroyed my life and my relationship with DH. Today, I'm completely accepting of DH and his kids' behaviors, as none impact me anymore. Not even when I'm ignored. In fact, I prefer they ignore me (which they do as I've set the parameters). I am contemplating letting DHs kids come back to our home for visits with him (no overnights; all are adults and can get hotels like their dad does when he goes to see them). At most, they will get a hello from me and I'm heading out. I owe them nothing and they owe me nothing. My motto is civil but superficial.

Definitely seek therapy with a therapist who has knowledge in the HC Step world and disengagement. Again, give up interacting with your SD. She's not worth your time and especially your emotions. Big hugs. It's a tough journey.

Full out disengagement. And it is long overdue. 

I say you make it so that both SDs are basically dead to you, in your mind. As the poster above said, when you absolutely have to acknowledge them, be civil but superficial. If they come up in conversation, be polite but noncommittal. "Hmm." "Oh, wow." Unless something truly impacts you, such as when they are in your home (like changes to the schedule), major money (like funding a car or college to the point that it will affect you personally), they are dead to you. Your husband is a douchebag asshat to the highest degree. Doesn't want to touch you? F that. That's another issue. But the SDs - you have seen how they are turning out and neither of their parents is worth a sh!t. Minimize their impact on you. Maybe your husband will treat you better once you truly disengage. Who knows? But no cleaning up after them. They are not there. 

Honestly I don't know why you decide she must get a job. You made a suggestion and your DH says no. Let it go. it's not up to you what age skids start working. I agree SD would benefit from a job but it's not up to stepparent 

why are you coordinating  plans with a kid. Adults decide on thanksgiving plans and then inform minor kids what's going to take place. If coordination needed then let her parents coordinate. Don't coordinate. 

I thought you already asked about Christmas gifts on here and said you'll try to stop with individual gifts. Why are you still planning on buying them your individual gifts? You do it with your DH. If he refuses to spend time with you planning for holidays, then he is on his own with gifts. Don't buy your own 

I suggested if before and I'll say it again. You need to get very busy with your own life. More than you've been. Maybe get a second job. Weekend classes. I think being very busy will not leave much time for all these suggestions or coordinating or texting SD. Stay busy and seek therapy 

Also you keep getting mad at SDs, but they aren't the real issue, you have a horrible husband who treats you poorly so that's a true issue.

When I had issues whth exSkids I later realized that the issue was my exSO. Not them. I don't have these issues in my steplife now (even though one of my skids is a pretty horrible criminal and pretty much insane) because I have a good DH. 

as long as you are married to your DH, you'll have all the same issues. It won't ever change no matter how old are your stepkids. If you are determined to be married to this bozo, then remain disengaged from both him and the kids  
 

If you want to buy Christmas gifts for somebody, adopt a family. They would probably appreciate it more than SD.

Well, Thanksgiving is Thursday and after the meal with your parents, can you book a three day weekend (Fri-Sun) for yourself if the SKid(s) are at your home?

I couldn't stand the walking on eggshells with the silent treatment. It's so immature and very manipulative on the givers end and so very hurtful and disrespectful on the receivers end. I still don't know what I would do if I were still in that environment. I disengaged and felt (and probably looked) pissed off. Those morons...ugh! 

Yes, definitely find a good therapist, one you vibe with and has some life experience, especially experience with the situations you're faced with in your marriage and with those girls. This reminds of what my mom would say about shitty people..."They wouldn't pi*s on me if I was on fire." Thinking of this really helped me disengage...because it was true. 

A change of scenery and solo travel will nourish your soul and help detach and disengage. Save your energy for yourself. 

Hugs

Haven't you noticed that your husband literally doesn't care about what his kids are doing/saying/snarking? He just doesn't want to hear about it. So we have you turning yourself inside out, worried, fryetting, setting traps to catch her in. 

What will change when she turns 18? Be honest. What exactly changes? 

I havent read all the responses, so if this has already been said then ignore, or take to heart.

Disengagement does not work for you. It cant you are too caring. Except backstabber will always be backstabbing and punishing you. Over time I have noticed your DH has been slowly brainwashed to see YOU as the problem. Its easier for him. That way he wont be accountable for raising two shitty DD"s.

We all know the definition of insanity. Me included, guilty many times over.

I mean this kind lady with all sincerity. None of them are willing to change their stance. A relationship never works, whether its marital, with steps if only one party is the one trying.

I think you know what the next step should be. Only you can decide.

Blessings for a happier future.

I think some SMs mistakenly think if Skids just got good grades and jobs or went to school or got a degree or move out or clean the house things would be much better. But that's simply not the case. In my exsteplife my Skids were educated professionals: doctors etc Yet they were a total mess and ex didn't put me first.
 

I have a stripper (and likely more than that) and a felon woth multiple incarcerations and with a list of mental illnesses on my hands but my life is much much easier. 

So focusing on jobs and grades and schools and degrees and chores will not change the situation at all 

also when you are in general happier with your life, you have less desire to control things, you just let them go and chill more frequently. Take focus of Skids