The Room...Cleaned
So it went really well.
DP was all over it!!!
He put on gloves and everything.
I didn't do much at all, just sort of moved things around a little, threw some stuff away. Was there for moral support as DP wanted me there - he did great!
Sally, I got involved in this because I will not tolerate smells and rotten food in the room. We live in an area with rodents (talking rats) and hell no is that going to happen in this house, nor should everyone else have to live in a house like that. Once it starts effecting other household members, one loses the right to be ignored.
SO...DP had everything ready to go to start after dinner.
And he didn't put it off.
He asked me questions now and then, "What's this?" I don't know, DP.
"Is this broken glass (in her Christmas stocking)?" Looks like it.
"Are these clean clothes?" I don't know, DP.
"WHAT is THIS?!" Looks like her toothpaste sweetheart (I don't mention the fact that it's in her room, not bathroom and the fact that it clearly indicates she's not brushing her teeth, he needs to figure that out).
I had to stop him fairly early on from "arraging" things nicely on her dresser. "DP, don't DO that. We aren't here to help her decorate." DP, "Don't get on MY case about it." Me, "But we aren't here to 'fix it up' so stop it." Good on him, he stopped and just piled stuff on her desk afterwards.
He found BOTH her house keys.
Me: "What the H? doesn't she have at least ONE of those with her right now!?"
DP: She lost them.
Me: "They were RIGHT THERE. B.S. she 'lost them.'"
DP: Well, maybe you can bring her a key in the morning.
Me: "Absolutely NOT. If she doesn't remember that's HER problem."
DP: But you see her in the mornings anyway...
Me: "Absolutely NOT. I will not help with this issue. No way."
DP: But, but...
Me: "NO."
...I will now be changing the lock on the front door this weekend to an auto-lock. The extra house key (which she apparently has been using) will "go away mysteriously" tonight. Oh, you can't get in...where is your key? (I'll have an alternative up my sleeve so she's not locked out for 3 hours, but she'll be out there a little while).
Told DP I am not doing ANY of the laundry that's now in a massive pile in the laundry room.
He is to wash, dry, fold and put away all of it (this is linens, at least 4 loads of them).
He didn't notice but all the new clothes he just bought her this weekend are not in her room. They all went to BMs.
There were a lot of food remains I didn't even know were there.
Told DP afterwards that it will NOT happen again - if I see this problem again, I will go in there with trash bags with no warning and clean it all. He took control of it way, way too late. He understands now - *maybe* because:
DP: I don't know how to get her to clean the room.
Me: You have options, you just choose to not use them.
DP: Like what?
Me: Do you really want to hear? Because every time I start to discuss it with you, you shut me down and don't want to talk about it.
DP: I don't want to talk about it right now.
....
DP wants to brainstorm.
DP: I have an idea. I can open a saving account for her, like I've been wanting to do. Put $X in it for her. If her room gets like that again, SHE has to hire a cleaning person.
Me: No, I don't agree. 1) It doesn't teach her how to be responsible personally 2) it's not her money, it's yours 3) she doesn't understand the concept of that money and then you can't give her ANY ever again 4) it'll be a status thing for her...I don't have to clean my room, I hire someone to do it for me. Terrible idea, sweetheart.
DP: But it's HER money. It's basic economics, she has it then she doesn't.
Me: It's completely abstract to her, she didn't earn it. She can't earn it back. Taking away her electronics until it's cleaned is a better idea. AND you will let it get to that state before she "hires someone?" I don't think so.
DP: No, it's a great idea! I'm just brainstorming...it won't get that dirty again.
I also want to find something that works for me, so I don't have to spend the time or effort on it.
Me: You don't want to PARENT! OMG!
DP: No, I AM - just not the same way...
Me: It's ultimately your decision, I'm just giving you my opinion like you asked. Losing electronics is very real to her.
DP: Maybe you are right. She's always worried about the WiFi...
Me: Well, I won't let it get like that again, no matter what.
We did agree that she's going to lose it on DP when they get home tonight.
She did not want him going through her stuff...and that's another deterrent.
I was pretty glad with myself for not helping a ton and letting him discover the filth.
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Comments
Did your DP make it out of
Did your DP make it out of the 3rd grade? He's scaring me with his "ideas"
Basic rule of consequences... you hit them where it hurts. If taking her electronics away would be a fate worse than death, then threaten it. If taking her bedroom door off it's hinges would make her cringe? Then threaten it. IF grounding her from social events/seeing friends would make her freak? Then threaten it. and don't just threaten it... follow through!!!!!!!!
His issue is exactly
His issue is exactly that!
I.e. his own parents disengaged from him when he was really young so HE never learned the basics.
I told him I was going to get out a book we started reading, and he never finished, about teaching pre-teens good life-skills (it involved "ramifications" which scares him to death as he views "ramifications" on equal footing with being locked in a dark room and deprived of food and water...sigh).
We have been communicating much, much better this past month about the SDs since our blow-up last month. He's been listening to me, I've been keeping my comments to myself unless asked.
He's doing better and I'm doing better at setting clear boundaries. I am the one who has follow through so he knows I mean it when I say if not X then I will do Y.
I have a feeling the electronics thing will be his decision...
". his own parents disengaged
". his own parents disengaged from him when he was really young so HE never learned the basics."
OMG - I think you just nailed why my husband won't parent or impose consequences - he never learned the basics!!
DH is the youngest of three. His oldest sister is 8 years older than him and his other sister is 4 years older. I have heard him say that by the time they got to his high school years, they were pretty much done parenting. Plus, all three of them were good kids, super smart, all in band and at least one sport, good grades, didn't get in trouble much.
Knowing my MIL and FIL, I can totally see how they were too busy with their own lives to actually worry about parenting. Plus, they had good kids, so very few consequences were ever meted out.
I bet that's it.....too bad we don't see Therapist until the 13th of April
DP is the middle kid. Older
DP is the middle kid.
Older sister, of about 5 years, so she was out of the house, or at least never there, when he was younger.
Younger sister, about 10 yrs younger.
Parents divorced when he was a baby.
Dad moved far away, had involvement on holidays only.
Mom met his step-dad and basically absolved herself of responsibility. His younger sister knows his issues and told me once he was a basically "feral child" with little adult oversight. He was a good kid, smart, stayed out of trouble, had a not-great relationship with step-dad.
Moved in with his dad as a teen. Dad had a housekeeper to clean and was again left on his own a lot.
...and that's that. He's super smart, very kind and caring, but the man never learned what parenting is. My parents were very strict, too strict IMHO, but DP doesn't understand that there's a balance of the two!
i kinda get that with my dh
i kinda get that with my dh too, only for the opposite reason - dh is his mom's only child and she had him when she was like 16, so she was not done growing up herself. she treated him as an older sister would treat her favorite younger brother. dh had a strong grandmother who would NOT take s#!t from anyone, so he's seen some strong parenting in action, but it was not what he experienced daily.
i, on the other hand, had an extremely grounded, balanced, consistent father (i swear "consistent" must be his middle name!) so i experience a whoooooole lot more strong parent than he did. dh missed out on learning the basics as his mom set such a crappy example.
Glad he saw it first-hand.
Glad he saw it first-hand. Glad you spoke your opinions. Maybe he'll see it now....
But hey, can he deposit "maid" money into my account?"
I know, right!? On the plus
I know, right!?
On the plus side, DP listened to me and he is going to go with the electronics take-away option and explained it to SD12 last night.
I'm on the verge of hiring a house cleaner anyway due to DP's schedule changes and more work to be done by me...DP is oblivious.
I am however, hiring someone to clean up the yard and maintain it on a regular basis, so that will help me a lot. DP wanted to do it all, but he hasn't done one itty bitty piece of yard work EVER. So nope, not going to do it.
- SD12 got in trouble from ME last night...I am the house security person as we know from the key issues that have been happening. Well, I went to check the extra house key and it wasn't there...the entire house key hidden/secure box was gone. I marched right into SD12s room...
Where is the extra house key.
Eyes wide open, running to get a key, "Right here!"
No, this is YOUR extra key. Where is the extra emergency house key?
Stuttering...."Um, um, I have it...I put it back!"
No, where is the key and box? It's not where it should be. Where is it?
"The box, the box...OH! I put it below the stairs...in "X" location."
No, you put it back where it is intended to be, it's the household emergency key and we all must know where it is. Go put it back right now.
...she puts it back...
And you are to be locking the front door when you leave, got it?
"Got it."
What did she say about DH
What did she say about DH cleaning her room?
I wasn't there. From what DP
I wasn't there.
From what DP said, she was a little upset about it - but he laid it out for her apparently.
We talked a bit last night and he knows he has to start monitoring her room each week she's with us. He can't just take her "Yes, Daddy." answer at face value when he asks her if she cleaned it up.
I love that too. DP is now
I love that too.
DP is now finally understanding how GOOD the kitchen looks when it's clean, esp. now that I'm almost done painting it!
I don't do labels though, I just like the neat look of the stackables and bins. I know what's in every single one too... Which reminds me I have to go through them this weekend and get the storage closet gone through, winter stuff put away. I look forward to that.
I love it, too. I polish my
I love it, too.
I polish my stainless appliances several times a week. I constantly wipe the skids' fingerprints off of them while grumbling about the damn fingerprints.
Hello, my name is Monica Geller Bing and I have a problem.
I also like a clean house.
I also like a clean house. I'm not that into cleaning, but I feel so much better in a healthy, organized environment. Unfortunately, I have been living in the opposite situation. I've finally gotten dh to realize how much easier it is to live in a place where you can find everything and where there is less dust and dirt which was affecting his allergies. The battle has been ongoing with his kids, ss19 and now ss17. SS19 got so angry last year when we had him clean his "pig stye" that he wrote a horrible, filthy note to me and hung it on his door. I got so angry, I nearly went crazy. For years, he has been abusing me and the household. Only after dh told him if he didn't like it, he could leave, did he calm down. Today, there was a problem with SS17. We have had on going bug problems due to their rooms and bathrooms. I told DH I couldn't take anymore (some of my clothes, some with sentimental value have been destroyed by these insects)and since his kids usually do a terrible job cleaning their rooms, I asked him to do it. He agreed and did a great job on both boys rooms. SS17 had the nerve to call and complain that we had no right to enter his room! I told DH, that I own that room and can enter it whenever I please. Actually, I rarely enter their rooms, because they are so dirty, I fear I will pick up some sort of infection. Truly disgusting. Anyway, we decided to have a family meeting. This kid had said that he wanted us to go to family therapy because the family dynamics were not normal. There was breach of private property or some nonsense. To make a long story short, I put that kid in his place, telling him that his father and I are the authority in the house. He will have to get used to it, because there will always be someone higher than him-- bosses, etc. This time DH stayed strong and on my side. He seemed very disappointed that his brat would have so much gall. SS17 then said he wanted his own therapist to deal with us... So DH is getting him one. This all came out of left field. This kid usually isn't too much of a trouble maker. He's had times he has hurt me (Shunned me for several months) but not as bad as his siblings.
I'm sorry for this ramble. I'm also sorry, if I am posting in the wrong place. When I came on this evening, I was very upset over my situation and other personal problems (Mother in hospice, my own health issues and a recent death of a very close friend). This site helps me to feel that I am not alone. Thanks for listening.
PS--I don't think any money should be deposited into a kids bank account so they can hire a maid...
So I checked SD12s room last
So I checked SD12s room last night. Tissues all over floor literally like she dropped them wherever she happened to be rather than put them in her now empty trash can, dirty underwear on floor instead of in laundry basket, hairbrush on floor, lunch bag on floor, none of the stuff piled on her desk by DP put away.
I grabbed a trash bag and put all the stuff on the floor in it. It's in storage now and when it's full, it goes away.
Eventually she'll have no clothes left.
What an ungrateful, lazy
What an ungrateful, lazy little brat.
I sure hope she isn't enjoying any electronics for a while!