Spying on Skids, Dad doesn't get it

Wow - this was on Dear Prudence today.
I think Dad is in denial.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/09/dear_prudence_m...

Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend has been living with me for nine months. I have two teenage kids from a previous marriage. She has never lived with kids before, nor cohabited much, and has found it difficult to adapt to having other people in her space. I’ve told her that I didn’t think my kids would touch her private things, and I believe that I’ve been mostly right. Recently, she took a trip to see some relatives, and when I turned out the light to go to sleep, I noticed that her iPad was on. When I tried to turn it off, I discovered that she was using the device’s camera to stream and record images of our bedroom. I was very upset, angry, and hurt. When I confronted her, she admitted that she’d been doing it for a couple of weeks. She also says she captured images of my daughter rifling through her dresser drawers. What do I do?

1) She doesn't have kids herself and is an independent woman so obviously she doesn't know how people should behave. Duh.
2) He doesn't "think" that his kids would touch her private things; ok, but he's not sure is he? And it's clear he understands what "private things" means.
3) He thinks he's been "mostly right." WTF? It's either they do or don't. He knows they DO TOUCH HER PRIVATE THINGS. And she is tired of her PRIVATE THINGS in HER BEDROOM going missing. And dad won't do anything to help his PARTNER.
4) So she sets up camera since he won't help and won't believe her. She catches them red-handed! They ARE going through her things!
5) HE is upset and blames who? His kids? NO SILLY, his PARTNER! It's all HER FAULT for moving in, having private things that are hers alone, and wanting his kids to learn how to keep their hand off other people's stuff!

She needs to move out if he still doesn't get it.

Prudie's response? Yes Dad, it is your girlfriends fault. She doesn't need private space! Hey, kids can go anywhere apparently and have no space boundaries! Girlfriend doesn't get this. She's not worthy. Maybe he should break up with her and find someone who's more of a pushover.

Dear Caught,
I missed the part of your letter where you say your girlfriend is “wonderful, but …” From your description there’s no wonderful, just but. If two unsuitable adults want to get together and try to make it work, that’s their business. But if one of those adults has children, then a different set of obligations regarding one’s romantic follies kicks in. First of all: Your kids come first. That doesn’t mean your children get to dictate how you live or that they have veto power over your love life. But it means that you, as a conscientious parent, do not bring someone into your life, and theirs, who has no interest in your children, and who is incapable of seeing that you are a package deal. The new love interest must understand that giving your children love and stability is your priority. But you’ve moved in with someone who seemingly articulated beforehand that she finds the idea of teenagers in her space appalling. Your girlfriend acknowledged she put monitoring equipment in your bedroom, the ostensible reason being that she suspects your teenage daughter of rifling through her drawers. But if she felt that was going on, she should have come to you with her concerns, so you could address this with your daughter directly. That your girlfriend resorted to surveillance instead means she doesn’t trust your kids—or you. You have given me no reason to believe this relationship is worth preserving, except as something that drags on because you’re too passive to confront how bad it is. You need to make a serious reassessment of your long-term romantic and living arrangements

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That's how I read it... that

That's how I read it... that camera was set up to spy on BF while she was out of town... when confronted, saying it was there to catch skids trespassing was a convenient out. I 1000% believe this had NOTHING to do with kids and EVERYTHING to do with GF not trusting BF while out of town.

" I’ve told her that I didn’t

" I’ve told her that I didn’t think my kids would touch her private things, and I believe that I’ve been mostly right."

well, prudie, dear, she has obviously already clued him in on her suspicions and he DIDNT deal with it. of course she resorted to surveillance as she doesnt trust him either!!!

and of course the idea of teenagers in her space is appalling. not talking common areas of the house, but her BEDROOM, and her DRESSER. stay the hell out unless specifically given permission! i'm sure she understands their needs for love and stability come before adult's wants. but asking their father to keep them out of personal space does not affect their need in any way, shape, or form.

even if the dh does not agree, this boundary is for the gf's needs. since he's downplaying his lack of respect for her needs, she should move along.

Mostly right? Is that like

Mostly right? Is that like being a little pregnant? Aren't you really right or wrong?

So, if dude KNEW that she thought his precious cupcake was rifling through her things, and then she PROVES that cupcake was doing just that, WHY is SHE the bad guy???

Yep - she needs to move along. That is all there is to it.

wow.

I don't see where he's

I don't see where he's annoyed that he's the one being spied on. He's upset that GF is upset that her things are being riffled through and she resorted to extreme measures. She was doing it for a couple weeks and she caught the girls!
It's all focused on her trying to catch skids in her stuff.
I'll bet the dresser is in front of the bed so that her view just happened to include the bed. But I'll bet the camera also included a view of the closet and any night-table which would encompass the room.

ding ding ding The key here

ding ding ding

The key here is that he is pissed off that his pretty pretty princess was being set up, NOT that the gf was spying on him.

^^^^^^ Prudie infuriates me.

^^^^^^

Prudie infuriates me. The headline read "GF Spying on Daughter." Um, how is it spying on the teen to leave the camera in YOUR OWN ROOM? (and, yes, I know Prudie doesn't write the headlines but the whole thing infuriated me)

Why does Prudie even bother saying "your gf doesn't trust your daughter" as if it's some kind of indictment of the GF? Obviously, the gf has good reason not to trust the kid. Dad also has good reason not to trust the kid cuz, yanno, he's "mostly" right sorta kinda sometimes.

This column to me is a prime example of the stepmother always being the instant scapegoat, even to complete strangers like Prudie. I hope that chick flees and never gives that guy the time of day ever again.

Oh tommar. First he violated

Oh tommar. First he violated HER! Then, being an idiot in luuuuurv, she took a step down the slipperly slope of passive-aggressive crazy land (aka steplife) and tried to protect herself and prove that she really truly did need her BF to actually, you know, be a man, be her man, and be a parent.

So yeah, she was wrong. But a lot of times, the degree to which someone else first wronged you makes being wrong - well, not right, but definitely ok.

hey tommar, have a shot,

hey tommar, have a shot, love!

i think it was directed at the daughter, not the boyfriend. i honestly wouldnt give a shit if i was being recorded by dh in the bedroom. hell, for all we know maybe the girlfriend LIKES watching him spank the monkey!!!! LOL!!!

i'ts sad that she resorted to this. my issue with the whole thing is the bf should have dealt with it LONG before it ever got to that point.. he could've headed this whole thing off at the pass, but he chose to ignore it an dput his head in the sand without finding out for himself whether or not his child was actually doing this.

ooo i didnt think about the

ooo i didnt think about the revenge sites.... that could get scary....

i'll still share some fireball w/ ya

Ok, now I KNOW you're not a

Ok, now I KNOW you're not a SM.

SMs don't give a shit if it's a school night or not when it comes to drinking

oooo WOB i dunno about that

oooo WOB i dunno about that one... i dont care, but i can stay holed up in my office. tommar works at a school - i dont think i could hear all them kids' voices all day with a hangover....

Okay - but I guess tommar's a

Okay - but I guess tommar's a lightweight, then

here's some fireball,

here's some fireball, tommar.

I believe it mentioned that the gf was out of town - ergo, she couldn't "shut that shit off" since she wasn't in the house.

I think she had it on to see bf's handsy kid taking her stuff. I think if bf was pissed that he was being spied on, then his letter would have been about gf spying on him and not "she hates my kid!"

"When I confronted her, she

"When I confronted her, she admitted that she’d been doing it for a couple of weeks. She also says she captured images of my daughter rifling through her dresser drawers."

OR - when I asked her about it, she said that she had been doing it for a couple of weeks and she even had images of my daughter rifling through her stuff....

As in she had been successful at catching Miss Grabby in the act and was continuing the surveillance.

I think we know this is about Pretty Pretty Princess Touches Stuff That Isn't Hers as opposed to "my gf is filming me in my bedroom when she's out of town" because he isn't complaining about HIM being filmed to the point where is saying "she doesn't trust me, she's a bitch, she's mental." He is complaining that gf dared to try to figure out who was putting hands on HER things.

The BF DID say he was pissed

The BF DID say he was pissed about being spied on and confronted the GF at which time she said she was doing it to catch skids... which again I think was a convenient beard for her REAL reason for spying... she does not trust BF.

true, but the whole tenor of

true, but the whole tenor of him complaints are about how DARE his girlfriend think Princess Grabby Pants would take his things.

If I was pissed off that someone was "spying" on me the ONLY thing I would be bitching about is how MY privacy was violated, not that someone (rightfully) thought my kid was stealing shit that didn't belong to her.

She probably was doing it for both reasons, who the hell knows, BUT you can't argue that the focus is on the gf spying on Princess Grabby Pants.

Agreed.....

It is not illegal. It is

It is not illegal. It is not illegal for one resident of a home to film something in that home.

This does not meet the elements of tortious interference. Clearly gf had just cause. Nothing was publicly disclosed. Nothing painted bf in a false light to the public. No one appropriated bf's image for personal or commercial advantage.

Invasion of privacy is the intrusion into the personal life of another, without just cause, which can give the person whose privacy has been invaded a right to bring a lawsuit for damages against the person or entity that intruded. Celebrities are not protected in many situations, since they have voluntarily placed themselves already within the public eye, and their activities are considered newsworthy. However, an otherwise non-public individual has a right to privacy from:

intrusion on one’s solitude or into one’s private affairs;
public disclosure of embarrassing private information;
publicity which puts him/her in a false light to the public; and
appropriation of one’s name or picture for personal or commercial advantage. Celebrities generally can recovery for this type of breach of privacy

...

Trust me, the LEOs have many

Trust me, the LEOs have many other things to keep them busy. Doubtful this case would meet all the elements - particularly because she was filming her bedroom. A good defense attorney would have fun with this

So, if filming a room you are

So, if filming a room you are not in is a crime, I guess I am screwed because I have video cameras set up strategically in my house. I hope you don't have security cameras at your house, you're in a world of trouble if you do.

I am not saying her behavior is excused because she is a woman. I am not saying that her behavior is excusable. My whole focus is on the fact that bf is totally cool with his kid rifling through someone else's stuff.

Please show me that statute that says it is a crime to film a room that you are not in.

potato potahtoe AND if you

potato potahtoe

AND if you are talking legality, intent is a huge part of it.

I am just telling you that these kinds of cases rarely get prosecuted.

And, it's her bedroom, too.

Only if you could get by this

Only if you could get by this -
"with no legitimate purpose other than surreptiously viewing or recording another person in a bedroom, bathroom, changing room, or other specified room; "

Clearly the girlfriend had the legitimate purpose of trying to catch the thief who was stealing her stuff...

okay - I can set my iPad on

okay - I can set my iPad on my desk. My desk is on the opposite wall from my bed. I have nightstands on either side of my bed and a large jewelry chest to the right of my bed against the wall.

If I wanted to film my entire room, I would set my iPad on my desk.

If sticky fingers were present, I would see that. If my cat pooped on the carpet, I would see that, too. If DH was getting it on with someone who wasnt' me, I would see that, too.

Maybe that's what girlfriend was up to?

here's what you have to

here's what you have to remember - just because something is illegal, doesn't mean it will be pursued, particularly when it comes to the subtleties of privacy law and electronic communication law.

The answer to whether or not it is legal is "depends."

What motivation did she have

What motivation did she have to film him in their bedroom? Dozens of hours of your spouse snoring or trying to match socks from his sock drawer is exactly what she'll get. Did she really suspect he would bring a lover into her bedroom in a home filled with witnesses? No. The target was the skid, just as the letter writer said.

We do have an entire industry devoted to filming rooms you aren't in but you do own: the nanny cam industry. Nanny cams are advocated on this board all the time. So she didn't stuff the camera inside a potted plant, so what, it's still basically a nanny cam. Furthermore, the entire world is cobwebbed with security cams owned by people/corporations who are not in the room being filmed.

That is her own bedroom in her own residence. There is no law that protects her stepdaughter from being filmed rifling through the jewelry (or whatever) in there.

Bottome line: The man was NOT concerned about his own sexual privacy (was the camera aimed at his side of the bed? No) or extreme romantic jealousy. He was defending an admitted pilfering kid. No law was broken. The gf is the one apparently has no rights in that house and she should bail.

To see if he was cheating in

To see if he was cheating in front of her dresser? With teen kids in the house? And a brightly lit ipad on her side of the bed? If the ipad was about cheating, why wasn't it aimed at his side of the bed and disguised in some way? Why wouldn't she put GPS on his car or keylogger on his laptop or buy an actual nanny cam he wouldn't notice?

No. An ipad in plain sight is the kind of thing you do to catch oblivious kids in your own room, not cheating adults who probably go to hotels anyway.

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Spying on Skids, Dad doesn't get it

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