Haven't posted about anything relevant for a long time.....commented a few times on other posts.

My mother died Mother's Day weekend this year of lung cancer. She did not speak to me or to my brother (the golden child) for the last 6 months of her life. She was very sick to begin with, had lupus. After smoking a pack a day for 40 years she was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 9 months later. She was a VERY difficult person. Borderline and narcissistic as the day is long. She isolated everyone during her final months, there were only about 15 people or so at her funeral. My brother and I were with her for the last week of her life. She was unable to speak much, which helped. We exchanged "I love yous" and she died peacefully in her bed.

My Dad's younger brother died about a month before Mom of prostate cancer. We were not very close, but I was there to support my Dad.

I was never able to be as close as I wanted to be with my aunts, my Mom's 2 older sisters. Mom was always putting herself in the middle, making up stories and drama, so things were always at arm's length. After Mom died, I thought I would be able to have a closer relationship with them. One month after my Mom died, my beloved Aunt M was diagnosed with leukemia. I was still wrapped up in my own grief with Mom and figured I would speak to her later. She died 2 weeks later. I will forever regret not being able to speak to her and tell her how much I loved her.

A few months after this, my Mom's youngest brother died of nose cancer. (I know....nose cancer????) He was in at-home hospice for 6 months so it was just a matter of time. We were not very close, but I was there for my Aunt C, who now had lost 2 sisters and a brother within just a few months.

My brother lives out of state, so in between funerals, I was attending to Mom's estate, and getting the house up for sale. She lived 3 hours away from me, and I probably drove back and forth at least 10 times through the whole process.

Last Friday, Dad tells me that Uncle R, his older brother, has leukemia. They are waiting on biopsy results, but the docs think that he doesn't have the "really bad" leukemia, and will have some time. We are close to Uncle R and his family, we took many family vacations together and celebrated holidays as a family.

I'm already on the highest does of Zoloft that I can be and was prescribed Xanax for the first time since my divorce. A couple of months ago, Dad decided to take a day trip and not tell ANYONE where he was going. When I couldn't reach him for a day, I had the biggest anxiety attack and about lost my mind. SO was so worried he was about ready to drive me to the hospital, hence the Xanax script.

The silver lining is my job is going very well, it has been my escape and I have been working my butt off. My relationship with SO and skids is the strongest it has ever been.

At the same time, I feel so lost and alone......scared that something is going to happen to my Dad, with whom I've always been very close. So much loss in such a short period of time....clinging to the family I have left....my Dad, my brother, my Aunt C, and reaching out to Uncle R and his family to be there for Dad and for family. Telling SO that I love him and wouldn't have been able to get through this year without him.

The dreams have been AWFUL. A very well-known side effect from Zoloft, but I wouldn't be able to get out of bed and function without it. I've woken up screaming, crying....even fell out of bed once trying to chase my Mom in my dream.

Trying to get through each day. Praying for my Uncle R and what little family I have left. Trying to be grateful for what I have, but with the holidays coming up, I just want to go to bed and wake up in 2015.