Stepmother question
Hello fellas,
Im engaged to my fiance of 2 years and he has a 4 year old son...he is very close to his son and is worried that i am not as motherly as his sons biological mother is and it has been causing problems between us. I love his son and consider him as my own when we get married. I dont have any children of my own so when i dont show his son as much affection like his mother would, or play with him as much as he does, my fiance starts to think crazy thoughts like i dont like his son, or that he doesnt think ill be a good stepmom, or that ill make him push his son away when we have our own children which is totally absurd...Its been a real strain on our relationship...
Anways i wanted to know all the guys thoughts on this and if other men have had the same thoughts before? Any help is greatly appreciated. thanks!
Not a guy, but I play one on TV.
Have you explained to him that YOU ARE NOT THE CHILD'S MOTHER and that even after you get married, you STILL won't be the child's mother? Your relationship with the child WILL be different than that he has with his mother. It SHOULD be different. You're NOT his mother and you never will be. All you can be is the best STEPMOTHER you can be. You'll be a parental figure in his life, but you know what? Not all people parent in the same way. You've had no children of your own yet, so how does he know that you're treating his son differently than you'd treat your own children? You marry the man, not the child. That relationship has to grow and it takes time, a lot of time. You may never be as close to him as his mother his, but that's okay. It's not your job to be his mother.
By the way, I asked my husband about this to see if he'd ever had any similar thoughts, either before we got married or in any time since our marriage and he said no. Never crossed his mind.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
As usual, Anne, well said! ~
As usual, Anne, well said!
~ Katrina
I agree with Anne,
The relationship that you have with SS will never be the same as the relationship that BM has but I don't think thats a bad thing....
I agree
We are currently in pre marital counseling so we can work out some of these issues...And its so funny because in my blog (Titled: Worn Out) someone mentioned my fiance being insecure and our counselor has noticed the exact same thing...he always needs to be reassured but it gets old real fast...i have tried to tell him that i am not and will not ever be as much of a mom as his real mom but he doesnt understand until someone else tells him wrong...I am glad that i am not the crazy one here lol and that someone agrees with me that i am not the childs real mom and will never compare to her...Your right all i can be is the best step mother i can and thats what ive tried to do...ive never tried to play mom because he already has on and thats his ex wife...
are you sure..
are you sure you want to get married, if you are already having these issues with your fiance and SS. A new marriage is hard enough without bringing these issues into it. Once you get married then comes the real fun of being in a step-family. Issues with the BM, SS acting out, etc.. Just something to think about.
how long??
I've been with my partner for just about 2 years. We aren't married, but I do spend most of my time at her home. My problem is, after 2 whole years I have effectively no relationship AT ALL with either her 17 year old girl or 13 year old boy. There was a messy divorce and a less-than-responsible ex. It's starting to affect our relationship now, partly because her custody arrangements are treated like a joke by the ex, so we never have time to ourselves, and partly because she forbids me from engaging in any disciplinary actions. And let's face it folks, 17 and 13 bring a whole lot of those. Am I fighting a losing battle here? How long does it take ?
Reply to how long?
Hi Mzungu,
I have been with my Dh for 4 yrs now, married 2. He has 2 kids: girl 13 and boy 7. I don't think there is any one answer concerning time. I feel the attitude of the bio parent is probably the most important factor. They either will support you and be open to what your concerns are, or they just won't want to hear it. I think all bio parents are protective over their kids. Sadly, I think in a lot of cases they let guilt influence too many of their decisions.
I would really try to have a heart to heart with your partner. If you can't come to some kind of mutual agreement regarding the kids and present a united front, resentments will build up. I have issues right now with my sd. She drives me crazy and my Dh supports her behavior. I have come to the point of detaching and not wanting to deal with her at all and my Dh is a big part of why I feel this way.
Georgie
I also agree with Anne.
You are not the child's mother and your relationship will be different and that is okay. Furthermore, your relationship with your own bio children will be different too. And that is okay as well. I feel that your fiance has to allow you to form your own relationship with your stb ss. There is no instant bond. Your relationship has to evolve over time. Hopefully, you will be able to have some sort of bond eventually. It is unfortunate that your fiance thinks that you are going to have instant love *poof* just add marriage.
I think that premarital counseling is a great idea.
Hugs to you!!
Georgie
Hey DD,
Did you fiance actually told you that you are not motherly? or you are just getting that feeling from him. He shouldn't expect that out of you, that's not your own child. I have a 10 yr old stepson and I met my husband when he was only 3 yrs old. I was nice to the boy but nothing compared to treating him like my own child. I do have a daughter with my husband and expecting another one this Nov. I am very affectionate w/my own child. I've had problems w/ss relationship with him from the start because his mother use to turn him against me. SS ignores me most of the time and so I hardly speak to him. But if he were different, I think I would be different too. I do try to be a friend but I feel like he rejects me or not honest with me most of the time.....not entirely his fault but I believe his mother has a lot to do with how he behaves towards me.... So I guess it depends how you are comfortable with your situation, do what can and inform you fiance that he cannot expect that out of you.
-happy mom
As a childless step parent
As a childless step parent myself, it is different ... and they are not our kids, as Anne said! We don't have the "natural" motherly instinct that BMs have. It is hard for SMs who also have BKs to understand what it is like for a SM w/o kids!
You and DH need to sit down and talk. Share what you've learned her, set rules, guidelines, and expectations for each other. It will prevent many problems in the future.
Good luck to you!!
~ Katrina
Hi Trina
Woman, you are soo right, but I have to say this, I am now a BM and have been for over a year and you know what? It has not made me any more "motherly" to my SS's. As a matter of fact, I have a LOT more worries now. "Are the SS's behavior going to affect my son in a dramatic way?" "Does my DH love this child as much as he does his other ones?" and the biggie "Why can't I love my SS's the way I love my BS? I had them first and longer."
The fact of the matter is that there is no replacement for your own child. I love my SS's, I must to put up with the crap they throw at me, but I love my BS more. That's not to say I am a good motherly figure to them but in the end, my BS wins out everytime.
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
You can still be a big part of his life
Even though you are not his Mom, and never will be, doesn't mean that you can't be other things that are valuable and important.
I have a bioson and biodaughter (also 2 stepsons). My first husband remarried and so my kids got a stepmom when they were 13 and 15. They knew her for a few years before the wedding also. She let my husband handle any discipline issues when they were at his house. She formed a good relationship with them and they love her. She is not their Mom, but she is these things to them:
Parent
Mentor
Friend
She is interested in them and makes room for them in her life. She attended their sports events, took them on trips to visit her parents and friends, when they were younger did their laundry, cooked them meals, packed them lunches, baked them a million cookies, has gone to visit them at college, etc. Basically done everything a Mom does.
She does not have any kids of her own. My kids are her kids. It has worked out great.
It can work.
Nellie
Gay Relationship
I have been with my partner for 4 years, previously having my own home and then I moved into the home of my partner and her (almost) 15 year old son. We lived quite happily, most of the time, for 6 months, and have been in a new house, jointly owned by us, for 2 months, and I feel really unhappy! I don't know if it the fact that the house is now jointly mine or what? My partner is much like a lioness is with her cub. I don't feel at all like a member of the family, and feel very much like it's 'them and me!' Her son is not a very bad child, but is just extremely lazy, and will only do things around the house for money! (which is not abnormal I know with kids of that age!). My partner is quite laid back and so her son is too! I, on the other hand, feel very anxious at times. As I don't have and bio kids of my own I find it very difficult to say if I'm not happy with the way he is behaving, and prefer to inform my partner for her to deal with the matter. Sometimes I speak my mind, and my partner will also tell him, but later she will say she didn't feel it was such a big deal, and then I feel I wish I had just kept quiet. It is making me turn away from situations now, and even though it is difficult I try and say nothing, and this seems to work! Friends say that you can't say anything to a mother about her child, as they are very protective, and I understand that, but it is my home too .....
Sometimes the attachment never comes....
Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.
I am a biomom to two, a 19 y/o daughter, 11y/o son, and a stepmother to a 6 y/o boy. I have been with my dh for 3 years now and have no emotional attachment to my ss. I used to feel guilty about this, but then I realized he has a mother, I dont have to be recognized as anything more than ss father's wife and ss friend/stepparent. Maybe as you spend more time with with your fiancee's son DD, You will fall into pattern more, watching how fiancee plays with son ect and taking your cues from him. Mzungu, no matter what age the children are, or how close a bond you have with them or not, all children should be taught to show respect to an adult(especially one who resides in their full time or part time homes), and should have boundaries and limitations set up for them to abide by. I may never ever form that love bonding with my ss or he for me, but as a friend to him, as his father's wife/partner ( talking to you too Anxious), my children and my dh's child know that our relationship/marraige comes first and together we as a couple determine how the discipline should be layed out, what those boundaries are, and we EXPECT those boundaries and rules to be followed by his child, my children and even the neighbors kids who come in our home.....just my 2 cents worth.
Yes, I believe you are
Yes, I believe you are right. My partner has quite a strong character and was alone with her son for 5 years before I came on the scene, so she believes that she should set the boundaries and finds it hard to have someone else questioning her parenting, which i guess is right. I am trying to learn to relax and certainly things have been better since I have not tried to have the last word with anything my ss does. It is difficult never having had any children of my own to know how to deal with their behavior. It was easier when he was 10 but as he is nearly 15 now different problems and issues occur. He is very lazy though and never wants to help around the house or garden, and this is a difficult one! The trouble is, my partner wants me to take some of the parenting responsibilities, but I find it difficult to carry through as don't like confrontations or rows and so would rather leave it to her! (especially as my ss is 6ft 3in and a very big boy!)