Staying together for the kids???
Hey everyone,
I've been away for a couple of months due to personal reasons ... My old name was Midnight Faery for those of you who can remember me ...
Anyways, quick recall ...
I have a 2 year old DS, and another DS due early August, SO has a kid a month younger than mine ...
SO and I have only been together since late October last year.
SO and his ex split around July, so about 3 months before we got together (he had told me 6 and I only found out after moving in with him it was only 3). We met online, and we were talking for at least a month and a half before we became "official" in October.
We found out we were pregnant just before Christmas and we have been living together since mid-January.
We also because engaged in April (approx 6 months).
Now - the ex is a bitch. She apparently always told him that she would never mind him being with someone else and such, but that went down-hill when she found out about us and even more-so when she found out we were having a baby. Her parents divorced when she was young, and her father was always at her mums beckoning call ... We have had problems with her - like her trying to get a DVO out on SO and such ...
SO's kid, he drives me up the wall!!!
We get him for the 2nd half of every week - Wednesday-Saturday one week and Wednesday-Sunday the next, so EVERY weekend, we have some sort of a schedule to abide by.
SO has had 2 occasions where he has been abusive towards me. We're always fighting because he always thinks I'm picking on his brat and I don't treat my son the same way (my son knows the rules and boundaries due to being here all the time, day-in, day-out, at home with me). He blames me why his son doesn't want to come here. He says its my fault that his parents just think of me as "that girl" because of the way I "treat" his son. He does nothing other than just baby his son ALL THE TIME! He was getting better with discipline, but now, he's just gone back to babying him.
RECENTLY - we had an argument last Saturday, at which I had had ENOUGH of EVERYTHING, and walked out, saying it was over ... he was fine with it, then it came time for to actually go and he was crying saying don't leave and such. I obviously ended up coming back ...
Truth is, I really have had ENOUGH of EVERYTHING that comes with him! When I came back, the first thing I said to him was "apart from the fact that I do love you, I'm only coming back for the boys" (meaning my son and our unborn baby).
I've really had enough, I'm not happy and my depression is only getting worse. I know it doesn't help with all the hormones from the pregnancy, but I have become really unhappy for some time now, and I have told him this for at least the last 2 months ...
He promised us councelling, but he's promised that before, when he was physical towards me. He still hasn't even bothered to ring up anywhere or make any appointments or anything ... Last time he said councelling, I went and got 6 different numbers of places where we could go and I kept writing them out and leaving them all around the house and I let him know that I found numbers and where they were ... He wasn't even bothered to make a phone call ...
My son doesn't have his bio-dad in his life and he hasn't been there since he's been born basically, so its great, he calls my SO "daddy" and everything, he loves him to bits. And I don't want our unborn baby to miss out on knowing his dad. He told me when I said I was leaving that he didn't want to be on the birth certificate or anything ...
Can I please have some thoughts/opinions and staying together just for the kids ...
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Comments
That's low to use the unborn
That's low to use the unborn ds to guilt you into staying. Obviously family is very important to him. Staying with him just for the kids sake is unfair to them. They'll grow up using you and their fathers relationship as a model for theirs. If your relationship isn't healthy, then the cycle of bad relationships will continue. No matter what you tell a child they usually learn from what they see. Even if it means having no dad around it might be better than letting them learn from a manipulator like your dh. All of this is my opinion, but I hope it helps.
At this point, anything
At this point, anything helps! Thanks for your reply 'dodgegal05'!!!
I did up a list of pros and cons and the only 2 pros I could come up with are my son and our unborn baby ...
There are like a dozen cons - Which do include my happines, depression and stress ...
I really don't understand
I really don't understand 'staying together for the kids'
Really how can staying with a man who is abusive is best for them - letting your precious and impressionable boys be around a man like that will not only affect you & them but also can imprint into them that it is acceptable to treat women like that. If you honestly believe he is willing to get help then that's for you to decide but if not - Get. Out. Now. Take your lil man and leave. You owe them the best possible upbringing that you can give and deep down you know you need to leave.
Good luck & I really really wish you the best x
Don't stay for your kids.
Don't stay for your kids. LEAVE FOR YOUR KIDS.
Thanks heaps to everyone for
Thanks heaps to everyone for your in-put! It is really appreciated!!! He has been physical with me twice ... But since has had some group therapy sessions with some guys who have had similar stresses ...
I'm going to spend the weekend at my parents place this weekend, so I can gather myself and such. My dad isn't wanting my son or I in this situation atm, so I dare say they'll be helping out a bit try to go through everything with me ...
Since last weekend, things just haven't been the same, it all feels so different. Just thank goodness my son was away at the time.
He must have read something earlier tonight and he asked if I was only with him for my son and our baby, I bluntly told him yes. But will keep this all updated over the weekend with what I'm thinking and such. I just really can't do this anymore.
I think back to when it was just me and my son, when we lived together just the 2 of us and how contented and happy we were ... I want to be that way again, I want my 2.5 year old to stop asking if I'm alright! I want my 2 beautiful boys to grow up happy and healthy with me being happy and not so depressed, stressed and down all the time!!!
Again, I definitely thank you all for your input, it most certainly does help!!
Just one thing... YOUR
Just one thing... YOUR happiness and the happiness of your children are the most important thing. And in order for your boys to be happy, you must be happy. Another thing I have realized is that if a "man" is willing to raise his hand to a woman once, he will do it again. You stated that it has happened twice... In my experience (coming from a very abusive family) it only gets easier for them to raise their hands the 2nd, then 3rd time until it becomes an automatic reflex. I know I told my DH (who has never shown any violent tendencies towards me) that he has one chance to raise a hand to me. One time and Im gone. I will not subject myself to that kind of treatment and my children will not grow up around it (I told him the same thing about drugs/alcohol).
Make yourself happy and if it means leaving, do so now before your baby is born and it becomes even harder... I really wish you the best of luck, hun... And I hope like hell you can find your happiness again.