Sounds like what it was like at our house back in the day....

Your DH is probably like mine was, always glad to have the SKs, whatever the situation. Oh, and whatever friends, too.

I would find all of this annoying AF.

Your DH is not showing you respect, SD sees this knows this, so why should she respect you and DH? She can lie, DH will confirm the lie and then downplay it. That is a huge concern. It may be the cousin today, but what about tomorro? Boyfriends staying over etc etc etc.

Id hash this out with your DH. Start the convo with how you feel disrespected by him and SD. Common courtesy should be a no brainer, except with people who dont care or have little respect. That and I am sure DH is afraid to ever challenge or put guidelines on SD. She creates her own visitation? HELL NO. A spoiled brat in the making.

Blessings

TBH... she may well have mentioned it to him and he just zoned over it.  I know my DH does sometimes.  

But, I am someone who just likes to be prepared mentally and otherwise for things.  So, a last minute overnight visitor?  I mean.. it may end up that I hadn't grocery shopped and only had enough to make it till tomorrow.. but not basically 2 extra people!

Or may have been looking forward to a nice glass of wine, a book and a bath.. not teens uprisings.

I would definitely make 100% of any extra work or sacrifice fall on your DH.  short one porkchop for dinner?  he can eat a balogna sandwich.. sorry honey.. gave your chop to your daughter's guest.

They make a mess.. he cleans etc...

So from reading on here, youve noticed that we all have similar issues! 

It would seem that your DH has a one-sided mentality, whereby he doesnt know how to be on the same page as you as regards your children. Blended families have the toughest model to create cohesivley, and the highest rate of divorce from what Ive read.

From what Ive noticed, with some men, you really have to have a short sweet script that you repeat over and over again.

With SD14 - she lied, If I am to understand your description of this incident, and its an example of how things "normally run"?

Well, thats a place to begin. Tell your husband that it matters to you, and schedules need to be followed, you need a break, and SD14 lied to you about things. Part of parenting is that you provide repercussions to this kind of thing, so you can approach it as a parenting issue.

As to planning - you rely on the schedule because you are a planner. One thing that we always recomend is disengagement. There are differing levels, you can start at the lower forms. STOP cooking and planning your shopping around SD14. When asked about why you plan for YOUR kiddo, just mention the lack of scheduled visitation as being the cause. When you are lied to and "misinformed" about visitation, well thats an invitation for you to make other plans that do not accomodate unscheduled visits. Drop ins. Wheres the privacy and adult time? You need adult time, and surprise dropins do not allow for that.

You can see where I am going with things. If SD14 doesnt feel like you are to be respected, then stop doing for her, period. Do not clean up after her, cook for her, look after things for her, whatever you do for her, STOP. Thats a more extreme level of disengagement. Make plans for just you and your kiddo, and be gone. If DH doesnt want to plan things on his own, then they will start noticing that, you, the Planner, has no Plans for them...lol.

I can relate because I am a planner type. And I had to hit DH over the head with this. When we first started our relationship, I spent most of my time there. He had two minors, I have no bios, and they did not have an established parenting plan/visitation schedule, so it was 2 days on/off. Drove the kids NUTS. Because they were always in transition. Then it was 5 days on/off. Drove me crazy because Im a planner and SD15 and I were always confused and had to count (good thing I have five fingers per hand!).

Just within the past 6 months the visitation schedule has been week on/off. SO MUCH BETTER. And DH understands about needing adult time. Shes work, even when she just stays in her room most of the time. She is work to feed and she needs attention. So with drop ins I can figure its extra work for you. So make plans to be gone so your husband gets to do all the work of meals etc...lol. Ill bet they pay better attention to schedule.

So, you have talked to your DH about this, and he still disrespects you and your reasonable request. You guys have lived together long enough for him to remember that it is your home, too, and these things affect you. It IS a big deal.

I tell DH I need to know in advance for food purposes (knowing how many to cook for), goes in one ear and out the other.

Since you have let him know this ^^^ and he still disrespects your wishes, tell him that you will cook for how many you know will be there, DH can take care of SD and any guest she brings. He will think you are bluffing until there is the awkward situation when there is not enough of a meal for his daughter.

I know that that does not sound like a reasonable thing to do (and it will be awkward), but sometimes it takes unreasonable action to get through. No consequences, no reason to change. If it doesn't affect him, he doesn't think it through, and he doesn't care.

Since talking to him doesn't work (in one ear, out the other), you have to come up with an action that will. Maybe it's something other than the cooking, you know him best.

My SD tried to bring a friend over one weekend, with no notice, friend just jumped in the car when DH went to get SD. Had DH lived alone, he would have been fine with it. He knew I would NOT be fine with it. He told the friend to get out of the car.

Oh, and sometimes, a nice, calm voice just doesn't do the trick.

I agree that is annoying.  Bratty McBratFace (SD24) still tries to do this LOL but nowadays its a hell to the no.  We stick to the following rules:  reasonable notice, stick to the schedule and SO is responsible for hosting her.  Bratty 'doesn't feel comfortable' with these rules but will try to sneak in again after some time passes (she is clueless and thinks things will blow over).

At 14 I would be more flexible with SD changing up her schedule - but not with showing up with the cousin too.  That being said I don't think you're request to have SD's days known to you in advance to be unreasonable.  Your DH is being unreasonable.  You can keep talking to him about it but he should be willing to make minor accomodations like this.

Have a shopping list ready for DH.  For him to go food shopping, because there not enough food..  lol.  Make sure there thing you like. Shrimp, steak, some fish.  Or better a take out list for your favorite restaurant.  Have your DH get and pay for the take out. 
Just say, if I had notice, I would have food. But I was not expecting this, You need to get food.  

Sounds like my situation in that SD and DHs other family members have more of a say in visits than he does. He and BM don't follow their court order either. 

I get that it's nice to have your kids stop by but I'm a planner too and I don't like unexpected guests. I've gotten over this though, the unexpected guests end up sleeping on dirty sheets, and my DH ends up ordering pizza. If I'm not made aware of who will be at my house then I opt out of entertaining and feeding them. I have two small kids and I make a point to keep them in their routine no matter who is at our house. 

It's really hard to not let this bother you so I suggest you leave all the work to your DH! If he doesn't mind the unexpected visit surely he won't mind taking care of them.

Your DH has no respect for you. It's awfully rude and disrespectful to expect your partner to be ok with surprise guests when they've said they would rather a heads-up.

I lol'd at her wanting to bring over a dozen chicks for visitation. I think that's a StepTalk first (for me anyway). 
 

Your DH fears his daughter more than he fears you. You could probably change that , but it was take you leaving your comfort zone.