Honest answer
Where do I go to get an honest answer....my step talk friends. Even though I am not a step-parent anymore (thank god) BUT all of you have dealt with ex's
DH finally is going back to work after being laid off for 5 months (construction) and tells me that he won't get off work until 6pm. His visitation of our 2 1/2 year old daughter starts at 5pm. He told me he was having his girlfriend pick daughter up so daughter can already be there when he gets off work. I told him no. I met girlfriend once...I am custodial parent... and I am not handing over our child to a stranger. He had the nerve to tell me that daughter and girlfriend aren't strangers. Again I told him no that his visitation arrangement is designed for him not girlfriend and I don't have to let daughter go with girlfriend. He is pissed. but if she shows up to take daughter I do have the right to tell her no.....correct? I offered to bring daughter to him so she is there as soon as he gets home. Haven't heard a response. Oh and this job is only temporary....no his permanent employer
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I *think* that as a
I *think* that as a custodial parent, you are allowed to refuse or take your child from the care of someone who is not a biological parent. For example, if your Ex even had BD at his Mother's house while he was doing something else, then you have every right to take your daughter from there. So I would assume that you are within your rights to refuse anyone else besides the bio parent to pick up.
Do you trust your Ex's judgement?
How long have Ex and G/F know or been in a relationship with one another?
I think the circumstances really depend here.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
My honest answer? She may
My honest answer? She may be in you daughters life for a while. And apparently she is there when you are not around... with him. And if she is willing to pick her up.. then she is really doing you a favor. It is good that he takes his time with his daughter seriously. I am sure she is not happy bout this, but it is showing her that he cares for his daughter.
I was a girlfriend that my dh's ex couldn't stand. I think it wasnt me, because she didnt know me, but that her ex fell madly for me. Her son would refer to me as "not mommy, but the woman who daddy really loved". SHe even tried to set up a playdate for his ex-girlfriend and him. I was like HELL NO!!! I told my dh that it would mess his kids up even more if they had to be around a woman that he no longer loved. It would confuse them. ANd she just wanted to piss me off. And so he told her that he no longer wanted to see this ex, and that if she wanted them to see her that much, then SHE should take them to see her. Well lo and behold, that never happened, because it was just a ruse to get him and me riled. It makes me SICK that she would use her kids like that, and have complete disregard for their well being. But she is a selfish troll who only cares about herself.
And I agree... you need to get along for the sake of your kids. Its hard... I know!!!
Ohhh this could be a good
Ohhh this could be a good time to invite her in for coffee! Can you talk to her? If this is really an issue with just not knowing her, invite her in and maybe have a chat! Read this first:
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/articles/counterpartners.php
This could be a great chance for you to get to know her.
However if this is more about you having your custodial rights... then I think you need to seek some legal advice. I was completely convinced that there was no way BM should be allowed to ditch her daughter with someone else when me and dh were more then will to have her. Turns out we were completely wrong and she didn't need to see her daughter for months at a time as long as she had arranged for someone competent to watch her. (God this still boils my blood, and its my Sd, so I can only imagine how you feel)
And IMHO, POST away!!! This site is as much for the BMs, and BDads, as they want to make it! You can hold a very valuable point of veiw for other posters, as long as you don't take too much offense to our stereotyping of BMs.
True true, but I think the
True true, but I think the Step/bio mom hybred is alittle different then someone who is only in the Bio mom role. But then this poster has been a step mom...
And I mean absolutely NO disrespect when I say that. I'm soon to join the ranks with you brave ladies. I just think the pov of someone who is playing both roles is different then someone who is only filling one!
If it were choochoo, I'd
If it were choochoo, I'd have to say it depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't just leave him with anyone that's for sure. live-in girlfriend, maybe I'd be ok with it since she would have been around choochoo anyway so I guess there's not point in trying to keep her from him in this instance and it might help to show peaceful feelings toward her. But if they're just casually dating...uh,no. not going to happen. my son is too precious to hand him off to a stranger and I don't trust his father's judgement one teeny bit due to some extremely poor judgement calls he has made in regard to choochoo's safety in the past.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
Yep, me too. No way at 2
Yep, me too. No way at 2 1/2 would I have ever let someone just in the ranks of casual girlfriend pick up perfectson. Perhaps if he was older or the relationship was more than dating, maybe so. But my 2 1/2 year old baby leaving with someone I don't know and HE probably really doesn't know that well either? Hell would freeze over first.
On the opposite side of the
On the opposite side of the coin, what if you started dating and he didnt like the way that your new DH was treating his kid. I would warn against trying to befiend her. I know for me I wouldnt want to speak to biomom, even if she asked. If didn't want me around her kids at first... so visitation stopped. It didnt hurt us, because we were having a great kid-free time. But it hurt her kids who were crying because they wanted to see their dad.
My ex was hesitant about my kids going with me and my then boyfriend at the time. But I actually took him over to the house, and my BF (Now DH) was very cordual and so was my ex. They had no reason to not like each other. He actually got along with my DH and so he let the kids go. It was really just a matter of respect I think. I respected that he had a genuine concern over the welfare of my kids, and it certainly wasnt about who I was dating.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other ladies invite her in or out for coffee. I have a pretty good relationship with our BM and i wouldn't have it any other way. And it will be a great thing for your daughter when she is older to see that everyone can get along. However if this is something that happens often with you ex having a new g/f like every week then I wouldn't let it happen.
Good luck
Legally, your responsibility
Legally, your responsibility is to make the child available for visitation. If the father decides to send a neighbor to pick up the child, you must make the child available.
This used to chap my hide, too. It wasn't that I didn't want anyone other than XH to pick our child up or that I wanted to see XH... it was the thought of giving my child over to someone I did not know. Someone who could just up and disappear with my child. Someone I know nothing about - their driving record, if their driving drunk, taking pills, if they have a criminal record - all sorts of things go through your head! This goes against every bone in a BM's body! As a Mom, you interview every babysitter, tour every daycare/mother's-day-out, have background checks on people who watch your children. But I was supposed to just hand my three year old over to some chick I've never met just because my XH is banging her.
Yeah. I was psyched to do that!
It'll drive you crazy, but you have to give up the control and trust your XH to make sure that the person he's placing the responsibility on is trustworthy. You'll find out soon enough if that person can be trusted.
I know how hard this is. If you can, speak with your XH and tell him that you're just being a Mom, trying to figure all this out, and you want your child to be safe. Ask him if he could maybe ease into this a little bit, like come along with her, or ask to trade phone numbers with her, in case there's an emergency. Shit, if you know her name and a little bit about her, do a name search and see what you can find.
It gets easier. Take a deep breath and let it go. Your baby will be fine.
Do you have a right of first
Do you have a right of first refusal clause in your custody agreement? If you do than I believe you can deny the girlfriend the right to pick up the child. First refusal means that if one of the parents isn't going to be watching the child then the other parent gets first dibs on watching her/him. So if you have that in your agreement then I think you can deny the girlfriend the right to pick up and watch the child because it's not the child's father.
From what I've heard, FROR
From what I've heard, FROR usually has a time limit associated with it. Like if one parent will not be with the child for more than four hours, they must ask the other parent if they want to take the child. If the dad is just having someone pick the child up for him because he can't get off work at a certain time, but will be home shortly thereafter, FROR would not apply. I may be wrong, but that's what I've come to understand...
Ahh..okay. That makes
Ahh..okay. That makes sense. It was just a though but yours sound logical.
Wow, I wish my attorney had
Wow, I wish my attorney had told me that!
That sounds like a good idea, though... to offer to take the child to him or change the PU/DO time.
From all my years of experience with this particular issue, I have always been told that it didn't matter if I knew the person or not, if XH decided to trust and give the responsibility to pick up our child, I was legally bound to let them. There have been times when XH had someone else PU/DO our kid. I did not know these people, had never met them, and it was never the same person, but was told that I had no cause to deny access because XH had seen fit to give that person the responsibility to transport and care for our child.
Our lawyer, and then the
Our lawyer, and then the judge, told us it is not an issue. But I think this changes depending on where you live, or if the judge needs a cranial rectal removal. This judge had a soft spot for bm, so idk, maybe it was just in our case.
I had no cause to deny access because XH had seen fit to give that person the responsibility to transport and care for our child.
Yea... thats what we were told too.
Now if she shows up without a car seat, that would be cause. But just because YOU don't know her, appearently doesn't mean much to the judges in our area.
Exactly. If they had shown
Exactly. If they had shown up with no car seat or I smelled alcohol on their breath... something like that? Oh yeah, I'd be saying "See ya!" and wave as I drive away.
Wait I am a bit confused and
Wait I am a bit confused and out of it and not understnading a few things here. Is he your husband, your ex or do you have an open relationship.
And if he is an ex then how long have him and the new gf been dating?
Some clarification Divorced
Some clarification Divorced husband and new girlfriend of his Child is 2 and a half I am custodial parent and he has visitation Decree clearly states that vistation time depends on work schedule He cannot pick her We live in separate towns and separate states granted it is only 25 minutes away I offered over and over to have him call me when he leaves work and I will bring daughter to him I am not denying him his vistation at all I am denying a stranger to come to my house and leave with a toddler to go to I don't know where until daughters Dad is off work which I have no idea when. visitation is with daughter and dad not Dad's new girlfriend
he completely refused me to bring her to him
I don't have a problem with Dad's new girl. I think this is the third or fourth my child has now been around. He has a vistaion schedule....not whatever girlfriend he has at time.
Sorry to hear about the
Sorry to hear about the strangeness thats happening to you. Sometimes it's hard, but you can find your true answers in yourself. Use these experiences as guideposts for the future, leading you on your way. Kind of like the The Ex2 System that helped me get on the path that I needed. You can really figure this out, or decide to move on. The choice is really yours.