Am I Making a Mistake?
I need some advice. And I need a place where I can be honest because I don’t have that anywhere else. I’ve read a lot of what you’ve all written and I feel like I know and trust you all already.
I’m only 26 and I’m living with the most amazing man on Earth. He is very recently divorced and has joint custody of two bright and happy kids who are 3 and 6. I adore them. All three. But you all see this coming – the Ex is not happy about me in the picture.
Many of the immature things you’ve all been through – she’s done. But here’s the hardest one. She sends the kids home from her house with horrible things to say about me and their father being together. She tells them he must not love them if he lets me take him away. She tells them they should be sad that he won’t give them attention because I’m there. She plays the victim and both kids come back hating me. Usually they snap out and remember that I love them dearly and that they want me around. But it’s getting worse and it’s ripping my heart out.
I’m scared because I worry that I can’t keep fighting and our relationship will deteriorate. Or I worry my boyfriend will get tired of fighting too and decide I’m not worth it or that I’m not really in the best interest of the kids. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about this. He either gets defensive and says they’re just little children (true) and it’s not really their words (true). Or he says he can’t talk to the Ex about it, because then she’ll be happy that her little game is working.
Sometimes I feel so defeated by her games that I want out. In moments of weakness I think about how I’m only 26 and I didn’t sign up for this. She paints me as the trashy girlfriend to the point that I don’t want my mother to come to dance recitals. I can’t bear to have my mother see me that way even though if this was my biological daughter, my mother would be on the front row with a video camera.
What do I do? Please help. This isn’t the relationship I wanted with my children – always having to remind them that they love me – always fighting and reminding them that I want to be a positive and loving influence in their lives.
But I’m crazy in love with their father and I want us to be a family.
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Comments
Hi Emily
First of all this kind of bad mouthing happens a lot. To me it sounds like parental alienation. Your boyfriend is going to have to talk to the kids (on their level) and tell them that those bad things are not true and that you aren't taking him away from them. He is also going to have to talk to the ex about it and tell her that what she is doing is not only hurting the kids but he can bring it to a courts attention. After all, the hateful comments are not just against you but against him too.
Hopefully, as time goes on the ex will get over her "issues" and accept the fact that you are a part of your boyfriend's and the kids' lives.
If all else fails get the kids in to talk to a couselor.
Hang in there and I'm glad you found this site.
Dawn
My situation is not the same
My situation is not the same as yours - although I sometimes fee the same way. I am 29 and my partner is 44 with 2 kids from his marriage - they are 12 & 14yrs. I often say - this isn't the life I signed up for - or wanted either. But you know what?? It's not easy to find a man out there who you completely connect with. I am in love with my best friend. There is not another man out there quite like him. I am not letting go of that as a result of his children - or his ex-wife - because then the only person who loses out, would be me! But I know how it feels....it will get better. You are not in the wrong and once your husband chats to the kids and to their mother about her behaviour, things should improve for you! Good luck!
hang in there
I am going through problems with the ex's involvement in our lives as well. I am only 27 and have no children. Sometimes I think that maybe this is too much for me and we should just end it. Maybe I am not strong enough to handle this relationship. But, I never met a man more loving and wonderful than my BF. I enjoy his children and I think they care about me a lot too. His ex is a total bitch. I agree that he needs to talk to the children about what is being said and explain that it's not right. He also needs to stand up for your relationship and say something to the ex. I don't think ignoring it will make things any better (just read my blog). I think men often hope that things will just get better on their own and that we make a big deal out of little things. But, it's those little things that start arguments that lead into the situation that I am in right now- on a break for a few days. Just hang in there!
I was 26 when I met my husband
He was great. He knows how to save his money & it came in handy. When him & his ex split the boys were 3 & 5. She was gone. He couldn't find daycare so he took the boys, quit his job, & was raising the boys on his savings. He did this for about a year & a half. Not too many people can even consider that.
I met him during this time. It was great. Then the ex came back into the picture, back from wherever she went. She was snid, & crude most of the time. Sometimes almost making me want to say enough & just cut my loses & go, but I didn't. I really don't know how I came out of it whole.
Now, most of the time she is pretty good. When we speak on the telephone she doesn't go down that nasty road. I've been around for over 13 years & I have done a fine job of raising these boys. I know she recognizes it because she has said so. It was all worth it. I hope you have the same type of experience.
Honest answer
if it’s this way now, there is a good chance it will get worse. I have been a stepmom for 18 years. Have been actually a damn good one. It’s a thankless job and you might want to think if you want to deal with this for years to come. Just my opinion.