Emily...I am in the same shoes as you. Prior to my BF and I moving in together and creating our blended family, my BF didn't attend parent/teacher conferences with his ex. He knew that if he attended, it would turn into an anxiety-provoking situation for himself and his ex will use any opportunity such as P/T conferences to try and get back together. He didn't want to deal with her drama so he just didn't attend. But as of this year, (the first school year that my BF and I are living under the same roof)I mentioned to him that it is important to attend the parent/teacher conferences for his son. It will not only give him a chance to sit down with his teacher, but also to show his son that he supports his education. So at the beginning of the school year, we e-mailed his son's teacher to introduce ourselves and to give the teacher an idea of what my BF's son's home situation is. The teacher was very supportive of my BF's interest in his son's education and has been very accomodating to any requests that we make in order to avoid having to deal with the ex. I think teachers are aware of divorce situations and are more than willing to make time for any parent who wants to invest time in their child's education.

We have everything separate from my BF's ex. We order our own pictures and ask for separate handouts to get sent to our home (my son attends the same school and he brings home all the important handouts). The ex does not have to be a part of yours and your husband's efforts to support your ss's education. In fact, it is working out well for us. She is kept at a distance as much as possible and we have way less drama. This enables us to focus on the important stuff...the kids! Good luck..hope it works out for you for the sake of your ss.

***Kim***

go to the meeting, focus is on SS not the x. you'll need to put her feelings about her on the side and who cares what she'll think of it, that's her problem not yours. be mature about it and attend. i wouldn't ask the teacher to have separate meetings, it's a waste of time for the teacher and i think it was done that way SS and teacher would think you guys can't be mature adults to handle being in one room together.

-happy mom

I think it is possible to support the step-child without actually attending the conferences. I mean, my husband and I don't always both go to the conferences for OUR children. In fact, usually we take turns going and we share the information passed during the conferences. We don't usually both go. I don't see any reason why you would HAVE to be there, especially if it makes the ex uncomfortable. Not saying you shouldn't go, just that if it creates friction, it might be better for just the bios to go. Your husband can share with you all that was discussed during the conference and it doesn't mean you're a bad step-mother if you do not go. Not attending doesn't mean you are not interested, not loving, not concerned, not involved, etc. In a perfect world, both sets of parents, including step-parents, would sit down together with the teacher for the benefit of the child, but we all know it's not a perfect world. Sometimes our involvement, as step-mothers, is seen by the bio mother as a negative... she feels threatened that someone else is trying to take her place in her child's life. For example, my step-son was chided by his mother because he said he liked the birthday cake that I made for him better than the one his mother bought for him. We didn't get the kids again for SIX MONTHS after that. Childish, yes, but if you can avoid it, then by all means do so. I'd have a frank conversation with bio mother, if you have that kind of relationship, and tell her that you would like to be there to support her and your husband in educating their son, but that if it would make her uncomfortable, then graciously decline and stay home. If she's okay with it, then go. If she's not, then stay home and let dad handle it. If she sees early on that you won't try to usurp her role as the child's mother, maybe she will make the transition easier on you. In our situation, the biological mother felt so threatened by me that not only would she not tell us about the conferences, she wouldn't even tell us what schools they kids go to. To this day, we have never seen a report card. The courts don't care, because she has sole legal custody.

~ Anne ~

We started out going to P/T meetings together...until 3 yrs ago...when x started being an idiot.

Stated to my son's teacher during our P/T conference..that our child's ADD was somehow my fault because I didn't pack a proper lunch for him at school...WTF??!!!

I just let it roll because I was embarrassed that he was trying to pick a fight in front of this woman... She jumped to my defense as I tried to ignore him and get back to the meeting.... SHE INFORMED him that "she was in the classroom everyday....and sees what the kids eat for lunch...and "son" actually has one of the more healthy lunches she ses in her classroom"......That shut him up.

Anyway from that day on.....separate times for meetings....
I'll usually go in the afternoon because it is less busy and doesn't put extra strain or inconvenience on the teachers overbooked evening schedules...

Most understand about divorced families...and are happy to accommodate......

PS

Hubby goes with me because if there are homework issues or whatever..he also helps with homework..makes sure they do it..etc and already is involved in their education. My X didn't have issues with it ...

X's Gf is a teacher and would ask the right questions as well..so no issues with her attending either...

Last year was the first P/T conference for my SD, and only my BF went. Biomom saw the kindergarten teacher every day when she picked SD up from school, so only her dad and me had never met the teacher. I thought it would inappropriate for a girlfriend to show up at the conference when the parents still weren't officially divorced.

However, I was cut out kindergarten graduation because Biomom received the order for tickets and only ordered two. The teacher told SD that girlfriends were not allowed. (And this is public school--it's not like some religious rule.) I found this extremely hurtful but then figured that her teacher was afraid her mom might cause a scene. What happened graduation day? Biomom seeks out my BF, tells him that their daughter should see them being happy together, he tells her to fuck off, and they cause a big scene before standing on separate sides of the auditorium. Gee, wish I'd been there...

This year I don't know if SD's parents both plan to attend the conference, but I'm assuming that I'm again not invited and probably won't push to attend.

Emily, I'd follow your instincts on this one. I think your SS knows you support him if you've been helping him with school all along. You need to make the decision you're most comfortable with. If you're not taken care of, you can't help anyone else.

We have never thought these a big deal. I go to my children's, my DH has gone to his daughter's at the same time as the ex. Its not that big of a deal. I guess if there are issues and problems that arise as in some of these responses you can make decisions then. I don't think its that important if you go or not personally. If it were me, I would chose not to. My children don't blink an eye over it, or take offense if their SD doesn't go.

Stepson is in the 6th grade and I have been with my husband since stepson was 2.5 yrs old, so we have tried all of the different ways of doing p/t conf. We have done 1 meeting where biomom and my husband went. Then we tried where we all three went. Finally, we now do separate appointments. My husband wants me there. I do more of the homework with stepson and I am on top of all school related things. I think that the separate appointments work the best as long as the teacher is ok with it. When we all 3 went together, biomom just sat there and didn't say much at all. It was not a very productive meeting. The last couple of years, the sign up for p/t conf. was at the school open house. We signed up for our appointment then. We didn't worry about what biomom was doing. We don't even know if she set up an appointment or not.
Most of the times, the teacher understands the situation and has plenty of times to meet with both parents. My husband and I take stepson's education very seriously. Biomom, not so much. We present a united front to the teacher and let her know that we are very involved.
People still think that the mother is the one more involved in school things. In our case, my husband has custody so that isn't the case. Biomom isn't on top of things at all. She forgets a lot of things.
Anyway, if you are involved in your stepson's education(homework, projects, field trips, etc.) then you should go! To me, if you play a large part in school activities, to not have you there would be like having a big part of the equation missing. That isn't in the best interest of your stepson. I say GO!

Dawn

I have been living with my BF for 2 years now and he has a 5 year old son who just started Kindergarten this year. I have a friend who worked at the school as an assistant and occasionaly we would hear things through her about his progess or even what he was lacking. Of course his mom did not ever share the things he needed help with. So my BF was willing to meet teacher, so I made arrangements to have confrences set up with her. She took it on her part(her being a divorced mom) to schedule ours in morning time and the hers in afternoon to avoid confrontation. I say schedule confrence with you and ur Husband to meet and discuss with teacher on regular confrecnce times. This will keep you updated on whats going on and what you can do to help. To hell with the mom and what she thinks, you should not care. We dont get to pick my ss up from school so we don't know about the extra things, pictures, field trips,etc...So I talked with the teacher and we exchanged emails and now we know everything that goes on, without talking to the wicked witch and without leaving our home. You should try that. Keep ur head up and go with your first instinct

My BF and his ex attend P/T Conferences separately. My BF will contact the teacher ahead of time to explain the situation and the teachers have always been very accommodating. I do not attend.