End of Life Planning and Realities
A few things are making me think about this on behalf of my fellow steptalk community. My SIL (the one involved in chickengate that I was not talking to) died last Thursday due to end stage liver failure alcohol related. My BIL has known for some time that she was likely not going to live very long.. but they neglected to get any life insurance on her when it would have been possible through his open enrollment at his work.. he called my SD who works related to benefits at his company just a couple weeks ago when things looked imminent.. and she had to tell him.. sorry.. too late.
As an aside.. he was out getting drunk at the local bar on Saturday night.. a bit soon I think.
My Dad's main caregiver lost HER husband suddenly who was only 59 years old and they had just become married earlier this year. They had been together almost 15 years though.. and I don't think her husband prepared her very well for a possible situation like this.. it's likely her home will be sold (in her DH's name).. He has a neer do well son.. her stepson who is in a pile of legal trouble right now.. and a grandson who I think her DH wanted to leave the bulk of his estate.. but it will leave the caregiver in a pinch I think.. not clear if there was any insurance in her name.. or if he intended to do that.. but being married only a few months.. had not gotten around to it.
Then there was one of those AITA forum type post articles I saw where a guy had a long time GF.. they bought a house and he took a life insurance policy out.. but named his parents as he and his GF.. while he thought "someday she would be his wife".. he hadn't proposed.. and he had not made her a beneficiary. He died suddenly too.. and the parents now have this 750K windfall and his brother is telling his parents that the deadbro would want them to cut his GF in on the proceeds. My thoughts are that if BF wanted GF to have that money.. nothing was stopping him from making HER the beneficiary.. she is going to possibly get his share of the house (not sure how it was titled).. but if he wanted to do it.. he WOULD have done it. I think it might be a nice gesture to give her some of the proceeds.. maybe 50K to help her figure out whether she wanted to keep the house.. make ends meet etc.. but I don't think they should be obligated to give her the proceeds..
So.. if you have a partner.. and you want to provide that partner security.. get insurance.. put them as the beneficiary.. or direct it to your kids if that is your goal. Consider what will happen to your home if you pass.. where will your partner go? will they have to go? and.. if you have separate kids.. do you need to somehow account or figure out how to ensure your kid's share is not funnelled to your partner's kids when you are gone.
Life planning is important.. even more important in steplife I think!
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This is honestly the issue
This is honestly the issue that worries me most about getting married. SO has 4 kids, neither BM seems to be very responsible, and at least one of the kids seems destined for a life of on again/off again homelessness. And the BM of the other two is very money-hungry and financially/legally savvy. I want to have all the financial planning worked out BEFORE we get married. ETA BM2 is not very responsible when it comes to her kids, but she is VERY well-versed on keeping herself in luxury homes/cars/purses/etc. she carries bags worth 3 months of my mortgage. She will likely be directing her kids to take it all when it comes to their dad passing.
It's not a fun thing to
It's not a fun thing to contemplate for sure.. but it's better to be pragmatic and save everyone a lot of headache and heartache.
I actually am ok if a spouse wants to make sure the bulk of what he has accumulated in wealth to his kids or grandkids.. especially if the relationship is later in life where a lot of that building was done prior to the new spouse being in the picture. But at the same time, there has to be some amount of figuring out how to protect your spouse from being suddenly homeless.. and having a hard landing.. they may have at that point folded their own wealth into the home and there can be joint accts.. debts etc..
I can see the concern to leave it all to a stepparent that might then leave it only to their bio children. Happened to my dad and his extremely wealthy stepmom left it all to her kids.. so my dad's dad's legacy never got fully to all his kids.. it went to a stepkid and only one bio son he had with SM.
Maybe it's a bare minimum of some life insurance policy for their kids.. and their spouse so that there is something to bury them with.. and maybe enough to at least make ends meet until they can sell the house etc..
but it can be super difficult.. the caregiver dealt with the son immediately grabbing financial and other paperwork.. so that was very uncomfortable for her at a time when her life was falling apart.
Estate planning has to start
Estate planning has to start the minute you start talking about marriage. We married after the age of 50. I believe second marriages should have prenuptials. Premarital assets will not go to the children of the new spouse. The distribution of what you acquire during the marriage needs to be discussed.
We have a prenuptial. Assets acquired before marriage are separate and go to the prior children. Assets acquired together go to the spouse and after the spouse's death are split between all children.
But, realistically there won't be much left. We are not saving for children's inheritance and if I go before DH, due to his medical needs, he will need care which will exhaust the estate quickly.
We did the prenuptial. We married. We redid the beneficiaries on things. We did new wills that reflect the prenuptial.
I work as an insurance agent
I work as an insurance agent and the number of times I'd see prosective clients turn down life insurance (especially when they had spouses/kids) was baffling ....
People dont get it. Life Insurance isn't something you just buy willy-nilly like you want a computer and go let a salesperson help you procure it....you have to get qulified for it and the healthier/younger you are; the easier it is to qualify (and the lower the cost)
There are some policies that almost ANYONE can get (ex. guaranteed issue) but even with those theyre expensive, the death benefit isn't as high, it's not as comprehensive (ex. accidental death only), and you still have to qualify (can't have dementia, AIDS, etc)
If an employer offers subsidized life insurance there is no reason not to procure that unless you literally do not care about your family. Some people don't care. And it really shows in the end. It is what it is.
Employer offered!
Yes! And it's usually fairly inexpensive, guaranteed issue (up to a certain amount depending on policy) and frequently PORTABLE if you leave the position.
I am a corporate controller that typically handles HR as well. I always strongly recommend that people sign up and let them know if they want to later, they will have to pass a health exam. Amazing how many people do not sign up (for young people its literally like $5/mo for 100k coverage!). Had an employee get a non-cancerous brain tumor that required surgery that decided it was time to sign up, lol. Was denied and mad about it. SMH.
Young people were my WORST
Young people were my WORST clients to the point I refused to waste my time with anyone under 35 unless they were referred (or wise beyond their years).....The average young person thinks they're invincible (as if death/terminal illness/major illness only affects the elderly) then they are so happy to get their first real paycheck that they don't want to see a bunch of deductions taken out so they skip on a lot of the subsidzed employer offered benefits including life insurance
We Can Check That Box
I'm a planner. My first husband and I bought burial policies when we were young parents...paid in full now. We always carried the necessary insurances.
Fast Forward to StepHell times. Woopie! When DH and I decided to get married, we talked about our future together, which included our passing and what to do with out stuff / money. As of today, we have thorough wills prepared, POAs for medical and durable done, Executors appointed, What happens if one spouse dies, what happens if we die together (think car accident). DNRs in place. DH now has his burial policy paid and we have our "wants" after death documented. Will has some specifics, such as all titled vehicles come to me (no one can just walk up and take my car, as DHs kids did to HIM in his past and left him on foot); any and all improvements done to our home (mine legally) are gifts so his greedy ass kids can't try to sue me for more money. About every 5 years, we re-visit the documents with our attorney.
As I type this, it makes me sad that we've had to go to such lengths to protect ourselves in death...or rather, protecting ME from DHs kids should he die first. But it must be done and I strongly suggest everyone, regardless of age, begin getting your "end of life" legal stuff completed. Leave no stone unturned.
I am only 29 and DH is 31. We
I am only 29 and DH is 31. We both have financial and medical durable powers of attorney, listing each other as decision makers. We also have wills, listing each other as beneficiaries to our estates and listing our fathers as beneficiaries should we both pass. Our wills outline guardianship of DD16months. We also have several life insurance policies, with each other listed as sole beneficiary, with our wills addressing beneficiaries should be both pass. We made sure that every provision is spelled out completely and that there is no room for the will to be contested (and if it is, it would be a clearly cut case).
I work at a non-profit that works with Medicaid and seniors. Only 25% of them have advance directives and none of them know what is going on with their estates. You have to be prepared because you don't know when something could happen.
I’ve been having
Life insurance every time an employer offered it. When I first had DD, I bought my own policy, then a few years later, I bought another one. The employer sponsored ones are a plus but I change employers often and cannot rely on having their policy. I also bought DH a policy because I freaked out every time I thought he'd die and leave me alone with DD. Our mortgage is pretty high, so I got a policy that would cover at least the house.
My stepsons are named as beneficiaries in DH's policy but only hold a small portion, because of their decisions. As they grow into men, hopefully their decisions become better and we can change the amounts they receive. As it stands SS23 is going to be a dad and still can't save (I suspect it's marijuana, or something else), and SS18 just entered jobcorp (he had been starting to shroom and also smokes weed). Ss13 lives with his mom, and she does a great job with him so they have a good portion.
I saw the importance of life planning after my brother died suddenly at work 2 years ago. He was 40 and left behind a 14 year old and 6 year old (with autism). My poor sister in law had to clear out their apartment, single handedly almost, and because he had no life insurance policies, I paid for the burial costs, which were to the tune of 30k. My father gave me 10k but I had to shoulder the rest. I was completely unaware at the time of more affordable places to lay him to rest but we got a double plot so I guess it's not that bad. Because he never got to marry my sister in law, she didn't receive a widow's check, but the girls do have the survivors benefits. Unfortunately my sister in law is now the sole caregiver of 2 girls so it's a lot on her to even work, and she'll be entering the career force again in a few years due to necessity. The good thing is she's taking some college classes and she's very artsy and crafty so she gets by. But had he married her like I kept bugging him about, she would have had a check until she decided to remarry. It baffles me that he didn't marry her but when he passed we came to find out about other women he was with during the time he was with my sister in law, which was a shocker because he was such a family man and never confided in any of us about what he was doing. It made sense why he was always on the fence about marrying, but that's another story.
Life planning, especially when people have minors is super important. It's another thing I have to teach to my daughter when she gets older.
Employer plans are often portable.
In most cases, you can keep your employers life insurance plan if you act quickly after leaving. It is ported to an individual policy. Typically you have to fill out a quick application, within 30 days of your term date.
Not only life insurance but
Not only life insurance but WILLS!
I found out in VA that if DH were to die, because I am 3rd wife (this would be for 2nd too) and there are kids from prior marriages, they are entitled to 1/3 of his estate. Which means to stay in my own home I would have to buy out both of my SS's if we didn't have a will. That is INSANE.
If your home is held jointly.
If your home is held jointly. Tennants in Entirety".. I think it passes to you 100%? At least that is how I read it.. it doesn't go to be divided.. but other property yes.
That isn't what the attorney
That isn't what the attorney said, but that is comforting!
What happens to tenants by
What happens to tenants by the entirety after death in Virginia?
Tenants by the Entirety
The property goes automatically to the surviving spouse. No Will, probate or other legal action is necessary. One spouse can not use a Will to leave an interest to someone else. This tenancy also follows the ancient legal theory that a married couple is one entity.
BUT.. that is for jointly held property deeded that way.. if the home is in his name only? that is not the case.
I have tried to search to see if the kids would have a claim on it.. but it seems that it doesn't become part of the estate.. just passes automatically??? other stuff.. other assets would be different
We just had this conversation (sort of)
He was very very perturbed when I asked about specifics of how much. Through my work (which I dont envision leaving) he gets 120k if I die. Our house is "joint tenancy with rights of survivorship" and everything else is in each others separate names. The boat is in both our names.
He recently changed jobs and this new job provides life insurance in the amount of 50k. He recently signed up for a separate life insurance that is paid for from his monthly check. He thought I was quibbling because I told him that our life insurance coverage should be equal. He then lists all his assetts that I could potentially liquidate. (classic cars and truck and suvs totalling 5 valued at least 30-50k, 2 toolboxes valued at 30k each) I told him "yeah like Im going to know the value and know how to sell your specialised tools...especially dealing with all the emotions)
We did have a positive talk about what he wants for burial (cremate and spread ashes over ocean), and I did mention that his kids would get a sum of $. I figured a number and he liked it. So that made him a little easier to deal with.
I definitely need to get ducks lined up. The way I figure it, I dont need to be a spouse to be a beneficiary.
I don't thing each party has
I don't thing each party has to fully equal what the other's insurance would offer.. maybe one person has access to very inexpensive insurance and is just easilly able to do 100K while the other person still is paying 3x that for only 50K. The amount being left should be sufficient to allow the survivor to move on without undue financial stress.. certainly 50K if managed properly would give someone time to potentially sell a home if necessary.. money to move on to a new living situation.
I will edit to add here that my dad's caregiver ended up with nothing.. so now after 15 years with this guy.. he didn't see fit to at least help her have a soft landing in the event that he passed and the home they lived in (his home) went to his kids.
so she will be moving.. I'm sure they insisted she pay the burial out of her own meager funds.. (eye roll).
Definitely should have life insurance… IMHO
I carried $1Mil under a term policy for 20 years to make sure DW and SS were provided for in the event of my demise. That term policy expired Las year. As a nearly life long 59yo T-1 diabetic I have not been able to get another. If an employer offers non quilified life insurance, I max it out.