Fingers crossed for a change of heart
As you all know my OSD was going down the road to divorce and my DH and I were in a position that had us agreeing to have her put a home on a piece of land we own. Lots of soul searching and concerns.. but in the end.. would be the best option.. maybe really her only option financially.
But.. after several weeks of solo living.. it appears that my OSD may be having a change of heart. She is having serious second thoughts about the situation.. and upon reflection and a lot of time on her own to think.. that perhaps she is a LOT of the problem.. in her words.. she is "70%" of the problem! Added to this her DH has been pushing to save their family.. add to it solo parenting without any in house help from DH is hard.. and the big elephant in the room .. FINANCES.
Her DH was already quite upset to see the amount he was going to have to shell out.. both in CS/SS and a payout of the value of their home. But.. SHE is also second guessing her ability to pay the bills for a household on her own.. even with getting a decent amount of CS (would be almost enough to pay her mortgage).. Because.. she "needs a new car"... the one she is driving is an older honda.. that isn't nice enough.. and I am fairly certain it embarasses her to drive it... of course it works perfectly fine.. reliable transport.. a few dings but generally in decent shape.. but she is dying to go to the kia dealership and sign up for a 400 plus payment each month.
The reality is that when they divorce.. they are going to take a combined income of almost 200K and now have to support TWO households on that amount.. (she only makes about 40-45k).... So.. that means that both of them would have to do some belt tightening for sure.. her ability to take those fun disney vacations.. cruises.. would be off the table. she would have to budget.. and her DH would also be strapped.. paying her.. and figuring out how to pay her of ffor her interest in their joint home.
Take that all into consideration and she is bending to the pressure to "make things work".
and.. the wonderful thing is that my DH has really warmed up to the idea of her fixing her marriage vs building on our land.
It has occured to him that if his daughter lives there.. his EX wife will surely end up coming over and even staying at her house.. and the LAST thing he wants is to have his EX wife anywhere near him...
So.. haha.. he has decided that if she does decide to leave her DH.. that we will move out of his grandparent's home (his inheritance).. and move onto our boat at our waterfront property (where SD was going to build).. and then live there until we decide to build a house for ourself (property is 25+ ACRES.. so there was plenty of room for 2 homes.. but yay). The boat is big.. 70 ft.. with three bedrooms.. nice size.. so while it will be tight living full time.. it's doable.. and in my opinion a better option than having her build.
Because.. putting a home there was a long term committment.. and if she isn't going to be comitted to that and is being wishy washy.. we don't need to encumber our property.
And.. as my husband literally said.. "She said she is 70% of the problem.. and I hate to say it.. but that means she is mentally unstable.. and we don't need her living there if she is like that"
So.. there you go.. up is down.. and a bio parent told a step parent their kid was a problem.. haha.
But.. I hope they do work it out.. and can work on themselves. I don't hate my SD.. but she does need to work on herself.. and liking herself... and learning to be a happier person.
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Reality
SD and hunby are facong reality. Thank goodness your DH didnt rush right in to be her savior. Crossing fingers she goes back.
SD's issues are her to solve.
I would not let a morally and charater bankrupt kid build on my property. One who was respectful, self supporting, etc.... sure.
But not one like her.
Well.. our support would have
Well.. our support would have been limited to providing access to the land... but yeah.. her ability to live within her means.. I think that is actually a big concern of hers.. and we should understand that she isn't ready to be uncomfortable financially.. to get out of a relationship she claimed was horrible.
I think my DH's bigger concern is that she would have her mom over .. staying there to help her with the kids.
She certainly still believes the way to survive is have someone else cover your bills because I still don't get why she wouldn't have been able to pay a 1K mortgage when she would have few other bills. I know 40 K is not a ton.. but she also does photography on the side.. 400/session.. so she could be earning her mortgage in 2 weekends easily. I think she may be seeing that access to her DH's much larger bank acct will be throttled.. and she sees that it will be a struggle.
Don't get me wrong.. she is respectful to me.... and I don't think we would be on the hook for much.. but all things considered.. I would prefer she not be on our land:)
Progress!
Things are unfolding in a postive direction...
For your sake and the sake of
For your sake and the sake of all involved i hope they reconcile. If SD admits she is 70% the problem and her DH is fighting to keep the family together, it's the right thing to do. Marriage can be hard depending on the problems, but single parenthood is always hard. She will be lucky to have an old Honda. I wonder how she would deal with finding a new man with kids and a BM. Drama city, on your property! Good luck!
I do have a feeling that part
I do have a feeling that part of her motivation is that she found being a "broke single parent" difficult over the last month or so. They were all set to get her a new car before they had their last blow up.. and I am also getting a feeling that she is looking at her finances and doesn't think she will be able to afford that without her DH's financial support.. I also think she is not as mad as she was a month ago.. and her DH has been trying to be nicer to her.. so her resolve to follow through is crumbling from multiple directions.
Her dad is a bit over her drama... and figures at this point.. she is better off trying with her DH. She may or may not get her home deposit back.. but in the end.. it's cheaper to lose that than go forward and regret it.
That is what she is saying.. she will get down the road and regret she didn't try harder to make it work..
Honestly.. I'm still a bit wary of the prospects.. because I am not sure she has a lot of emotional capacity.. and I think that has been part of the problem.. but another issue has been alcohol related.. she isn't an alcaholic per se.. doesn't drink much.. but he drinks a bit more regularly.. and when they both drink.. they almost always end up in a fight.. so they really need to consider cutting that out if they want to give this an honest go.
They should really go to
They should really go to therapy. Hopefully that will come out and they can get on the wagon. Alcohol isn't a problem to me unless it's a problem, and for them, it seems to be. Them divorcing has the potential to screw up so many lives, as those of us on here well know. Most of all, the kids, but also them, any future SOs/spouses, and certainly yours!
I remember thinking, when the
I remember thinking, when the news of their divorce broke, that if they were having money problems, divorce was only going to make it worse.
Unless/until they learn how to manage money, they will both have that problem following them, they cannot run away from it. And rescuing them would only make it worse.
Actually.. together they are
Actually.. together they are fine.. but there is a huge disparity in earning.. he earns over 150K and she earns less than 50K. They have also had two very late model cars the past few years that were "her" car.. that she made the payments on.. like over 600/month pmt. Plus, she paid their cell bills.. and her salary also paid for groceries and utilities.. of course.. the latter have really gone up. He paid the mortgage.. and child care.. but it was a much smaller percent of his income that was being spent.. she was spending almost ALL of hers. He even refused to reimburse her anything for a vacation they just went on this winter.. which I think was part of what made her really upset about things.
So.. not having enough money in the household is not as much of an issue as the fact that she has relatively less income.. and spends almost all of hers.. while he has a lot more disposable income.. but it leaves her always feeling broke.. and a prospect of divorce? even "broker"..
The drinking I think is a problem because that is when they seem to have their worst fignts.. and they are both Aholes.. destroying each other's property etc.. they both act really immature when it happens.. again.. ususally if they have been drinking. so.. I really think counseling.. no drinking and a real conversation that addresses their financial situation..so that she is not paying an overly disproportionate amount of her salary out are all in order for sure.
He does sound kind of like a
He does sound kind of like a miserly jerk when you put it that way.
This is in large part why I/we follow the marital income model.
What is earned within the marriage, is... marital income. Regardless of who earns it. That was our model when we married and the only income was my fresh BS engineering grad salary, and her $110/mo in CS.
She was a SAHM for 3yrs until SS started kindergarten and ... she was also a full time University student After SS started Kindergarten she took a part time job not far from our home. She walked SS to the bus stop then went to work, walked him from the bus stop home. To SS, his mom was still a SAHM. She would drop him off at a drop in daycare on her way to class and I would pick him up about 30mins later on my way home from work.
When she gradauted she started her professional career. We will celebrate 29yrs of marriage this year. Every penny earned during that time is marital income. Every penny of investments, is a marital asset.
I have never understood the my income/spouse income separation. Unless one or both partners have had extensive careers and bring significant resources to the marriage.
Even then, anything earned or acquired at and beyond the point of marriage, are marital income and assets.
I have generally been the significantly higher earner. We have had two periods in our marriage when my income was the sole income. The first 3 years then 8yrs when we were Expats. We have also had two periods where her income was the primary if not sole income. 1 year when the Semiconductor industry imploded and I was out of work. And 2yrs when I was on COVID lockdown and my employer released my VP and all of his direct report directors. Me included.
We have always spent conservatively in relation to our income. Homes that are nice but modest compared to what the banks were wanting us to borrow and spend on way too much house, nice but modest cars compared to what we could buy, nice but modest vacations compared to what we could take, and have invested consistently.
IMHO the whole "I'm not leaving because I would miss the noney" marraiges are not worth having and the one with the money should not tolerate the one who does not have it and stays only for the money and because they are too f-n lazy to earn it for themselves.
Your SD's DH will likely figure it out at some point and .... will not tolerate her presence any longer. That can't happen soon enough IMHO. For his sake, and the sake of their children. She has no interest in an equity life partnership or a quality family for her children. She is only interested in her DH's money.
That is wrong, and it is wrong for her children to have to experience seeing that crap from their mother.
IMHO.