Anxiety over bedroom distribution
Hi everyone! My husband and I purchased a 4 bedroom home last year. He has SD15 and SS13 who each have their own bedroom. I am pregnant with our first ours baby who will be given the last empty room for his nursery.
After this one I know I want another baby. I am getting so much anxiety that my husband will prioritize his older kids and their "privacy" while they're here and allow them to keep their own rooms, which they spend a lot of time in. (We have them alternating between 2 and 3 days a week but they only spend the night every other Saturday.)
They both also have their own bedrooms at their grandparents house where they live with their mom.
What happens when they go away to college? (I'm confident that they both will, or if not, will likely stay at their mom's home most of the time)
I think children who are here 24/7 should definitely have their own rooms, but he is totally against 2 teens of different genders sharing a room. But if one is already in college and will only stay sometimes, can't they live with sharing a space infrequently?
I am getting in my own head with paying half of our expensive ass mortgage and feeling like I should have a say of how bedrooms get distributed/reissued after new kids and/or going to college.
One bedroom (currently occupied by SS13) is much larger than the other 2. I want it for my bio kids!
Opinions? I know I won't be backing down on this when the time comes. I also don't think a newborn should be sharing with a toddler if I have another baby in the next few years, so I want them both to have their own spaces.
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Am i correct in reading that
Am i correct in reading that they only spend 2 overnights a month at your house? If so, can that bedroom be somehow subdivided to allow for privacy, idk, with partitions? Giving them the bigger room but dividing it seems like an option. If they truly only sleep there twice a month. If i read it wrong, disregard.
Yes, we have an
Yes, we have an unconventional custody schedule due to my husband's work schedule. They stay Saturday morning through late Sunday night EOW, and all day on the other Sundays and Thursdays.
That's a good idea, although I wish the biggest room could go to a child who is here 24/7!
And you're right, it should
And you're right, it should go to a full time child. I just think trying to do it now would cause more stress than it's worth. Skids tend to "act up" already when a new baby comes and Disney Dads (if he is one) tend to want to indulge them out of some misguided sense of guilt. Your skids are at an age where this could become a real problem for you at a time when you are already stressed and have crazy hormones. Once there actually are more kids than rooms, it will be so obvious that only a real fool would argue. Since everyone gets their own room with only one baby, it would prob be the most peaceful thing to wait. But you're right, it is catering to them and ridiculous to give a twice a month skid the biggest bedroom.
This is all such amazing
This is all such amazing advice, thank you so much!!!!!!
I want to go with this plan and feel a lot better now.
Also, the time to make the
Also, the time to make the change of rooms would be when a second child is born. They will also be older and possibly one will be away at school. That will give your kids what they need while sparing the feelings of DH and the skids (minimizing stress on you by avoiding immediate conflict.) It will be obviously the right choice at that time.
I agree that now is not
I agree that now is not necessarily the time to draw the line in the sand on this. The reality is that the 2nd won't be on the scene until the older one is off to college in 3 years.. and even if she isn't quite gone... having two under 5 in the same room is not necessarily a bad thing. It's a bit more complex given that the two SK's are opposite sex because it would be easier to ask two boys or two girls to share at that age.
I do get that even if it is only a few days a week that they have use of these rooms.. a boy and girl teen don't need to be forced to share... it's not so much to spoil them.. but teens at that age do need their privacy.. much more than kids who are very young.
There are actually benefits to the young kids sharing anyway... learning cooperation, conflict resolution, having extra comfort .. developing a sibling bond... etc.. but past puberty, opposite sex children should be provided separate rooms.
After they graduate HS.. then perhaps the two kids at home get their own rooms.. the other turned into a guest room and you have a pull out in the den or something if both the older kids come.. or you can bunk the youngers together occasionally etc.. They may prefer to be at mom's anyway... so it could be worry over nothing.
Do you have a finished
Do you have a finished basement? If so, move the teens to the basement. They will thank you for the privacy and it frees up rooms for the children who live there 24/7. But I would wait to do this until Baby #2 is here.
Not to mention, babies don't require a lot of space. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment when my DD (now 3) was born. We had her in our room for 3 months and kept SS in the 2nd bedroom. Then we moved into a 3 bedroom house and she still stayed in our room due to her age. She moved into her own room at 6-7 months old. Currently, SS12 has one room, DD3 has the other and we have the master. DH and I plan have another baby in the next year. DD will almost be/be 4, SS will be 14ish. Baby #2 will stay in our room for 6ish months after birth, meaning that when we move SS to the basement, he will be almost 15.
By the time you and DH aim for Baby #2, it is likely that one kid will be in college or almost in college and the other will be shortly behind. I wouldn't worry too much over this now. you have plenty of time.
Is there another flex space
Is there another flex space you could use for the SKs only when they spend the night? An office set up with a fold out or an air mattress? A basement?
IMO, if the SKs are over visiting (and not spending the night) then they should be interacting with your DH. What is the point of a day visitation if they are locked away in a room?
I do agree with your DH though that opposite genders should not be spending the night together. Because of the infrequency though, I think formal bedrooms for 2 nights a month is overkill.
You the mother. Who is going to take care of your children
Should do what ever is best for you . What ever makes your life easier. Bio child gets the biggest room, for all baby stuff. Changing table crib. Supplys.sheets. AND more Buy the time the second baby comes along. And is ready for there own room , SD 15 should be close to 18, Who is either going to college or moving out. And you may want to put you baby's together for a time. May be easier for you. You must do what ever is best for you and your kids. If DH doesn't like it he can pay himself for an addition to the home. For extra bedroom what will not be used
'You never signed up for SD not to larnch. At that time rooms can be changed.
SK are going to be jealous, of new born. Abd there drop in family status. Move who ever is in the biggest room out now, Gives you time to repaint the room. Replace the flooring, set up changing table. Set up cabinets for clothing. Supplys. Gifts. And basically get ready in an organized faction . New child is the most needed, the room switch is going to happen. Do it now. SK status's is changing one way or another. They may not like it. If they don't like it now, they are not going to like it a year from now
Once baby arrives it's going to be intense , with lack of sleep. And you don't need to be organizing baby stuff. And you don't want to clogged up your bedroom
They don't sleep there regularly, they don't get a room.
Residents get room priority. Day visitors have no need for a room and no need for privacy.
Keep It Stupid Simple. KISS.
Full time resident kids get precedence of rooms over part timers. KISS.