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Is it going to be this way forever?

GeorgianPeach's picture

I have been married to my husband for 3 years. I came into the marriage with a daughter and a son and he came with 2 daughters.
What I didn't know (but should have) was that the ex-wife was coming too! :jawdrop: His family and I had a decent relationship until the ex-wife got in touch with them and worked her magic. Her talent is manipulation. And she is VERY talented. She was able to twist things around so that my husbands mother and sister started up a relationship with her again. The same woman who cheated on him twice and left him but not after she tried to sneak out of the state with his 2 children. She has told them all sorts of untrue things. The bad part? they believed her! What?? They believed a woman who they know as a master manipulator, liar, and adulteress? But they did. She is now at their house on Christmas, Easter and other random times. my husband can no longer go to his mother's house without calling first. Needless to say I really have no use for the Mom and Sister if this is how they are going to treat my husband.
We live in a very small town and this lady has tried to trash me everywhere. She tries to do it at the schools but I am so involved it doesn't work. We have joint custody with her but have tie breaking privileges and residency for school and doctors offices. Every school year it's the same battle with the paperwork. Shew wants to fill out the paperwork as if these things weren't in the divorce decree. We have to show the divorce decree to the schools and get it straightened out. But not without a lot of back and forth from her resisting. The worst part is that I was really having an easy time with the girls until now. She has started calling me a stupid bitch and yelling at them that I am not heir mother and they shouldn't be doing what I say. She doesn't make it to school conferences and doesn't work with the kids on their homework. This summer instead of giving the girls to us when she doesn't want them (which has been all of her scheduled time)she has been giving them to my husbands mother. So we used to get them all the time and now just have them our half. The girls have developed such an attitude because of what she's saying to them that I am thinking I just stop being a Mom to them.
My husband hates this idea but really I don't want anymore drama. I know she's threatened because she doesn't do the things with them that a mother should and I am. Still it doesn't make it any easier. I have 2 of my own. One with Autism and the other was adopted as a toddler and has Reactive Attachment Disorder from not being held or loved as a baby. So I don't have a lack of things to keep my occupied at all!

My husband is really mad but I am so over all the drama. Is it wrong to back off from his girls, their attitude and see if it puts some space between Bio Mom and her drama?

Comments

GeorgianPeach's picture

Oh, I forgot to add - my stepdaugher who is 11 told me she doesn't think I should be a parent anymore. She thinks I should be a friend who's an adult. IDK if this is coming from BioMom or if I've done something wrong in her eyes but I have a why bother feeling right now. If these kids don't want me to act like a mom and do mom things for them why am i putting my heart and soul into this? I have always treated them just like my own. I can't even express how hurt I am over hubby's Mom, sister and now the children. I have never been this unliked before.

ltman's picture

The kid is parroting what her BM is filling her head with. Maybe you should have explored what she meant by that comment. Or simply say once a real mom, always a real mom. And then tell her a real mom is:

1. Not a friend first and parent second
2. Puts you're best interests first
3. Tries to protect you, even from yourself
4. Wants you to grow up happy and healthy
5. Wants you to have all the tools you need to create a great life for yourself.
6. Says 'no' to facilitate the above
7. Real moms are not defined by genetics
8. A person can have more than one real mom.

simifan's picture

Where is Dad? Why isn't he stepping up to the plate? OF course he doesn't want you disengaging then he has to do the work...
Why doesn't he put MIL in her place? I would never visit my in-laws, if BM was going to MIL visit. It's a disrespect to you as the current wife.

misSTEP's picture

Your DH needs to put his foot down with his mother.

Also, the next time you go to court (and there will probably be a next time), have him amend it to put in ROFR (right of first refusal). There is no need for the child to be with a grandparent if their parent is willing and able to watch them. Of course, this probably will backfire if he is never around and leaves YOU to raise his child for him.

GeorgianPeach's picture

He is so afraid of going back to court! I would gladly welcome it as it was give us an opportunity to lay her crap out on the table. We have a family counselor who has recommended it as well. But hubs doesn't want to come up with the money. :sick: Moron! Instead of fighting for your children you want to avoid spending money and not have the stress (which i think is the real reason). Man up! Do whats right for your kids!!
Things have been drama filled for the past 3 years because of her and I'm done!!!

No I dont see the in laws at all! The want to give me $100 for my birthday. I told Hubs to tell them to shove it. I dont want anything from them.

To add to it I work at my church and we just got a new pastor and he is from my MILs and SILS church. He told me what they said to him in private and i am livid at him and them. Im ready for everyone but my bilogical children to go away!

GeorgianPeach's picture

Update
I told husband I was disengaging and tired of him not stepping up. I let him know I was in this position because he didn't do anything about it.
I let him know that if step daughter did not change attitude she would not get to gymnastics by me taking her, she would be doing her own laundry, and any requests for mom type things would not happen. Smile
He says he can't live with that. So I checked into a hotel and told him when he can live with it to let me know. The kids are all off at the kids right now (one good benefit of divorce) so this is a great time to get it settled! I've already gotten several texts and phone calls which I have ignored. I will be hanging out at the Hilton until he can make some promises and a counseling session.

I really am enjoying the hotel room by myself! Dirol

GeorgianPeach's picture

I decided all or nothing!
He ended up joining me at my hotel room, apologizing and setting up a counseling meeting. He is now in agreement that I will not be treated unfairly in my home. Then I rewarded him. Wink

Stepdaughter can deal with full disengagement from me until she gets her act straight or never have the benefit of me doing for her what I do for the other kids. Sounds harsh I know but I will not work my but off for an 11 year old who acts like that. She's got to learn now before she hits teenage years. She has a birthday coming up. I do over the top birthdays with huge parties and lots of gifts. I tell each child why I am glad they were born and are in our lives. Its her favorite time of the year. I'm not having anything to do with that birthday party. her dad is planning it and she is not going to get anywhere near what in would do.
Insert evil stepmother laugh here!