two step daughters
My husband has two teenage daughters. We have been married for 4 years and one of them seems to always have issues with me. I believe it's because her mother doesn't like me. It truly hearts my feeling because I try so hard. She had to be told to say good night to me when she goes to bed. She would hug and kiss her dad and walk right by me and not say a word. She was worse when we first married she was 7 then, now she's 13. I have never been anything but good to her and have tried so hard to have some sort of relationship with her. I have never said one word about her mother even though I would love to. I take her for hair cuts, doctors apt's and have never missed a game. What gives? I don't want to be her mother but naturally she's a sweet girl just not to me. I have asked her how she feels about me and told her she doesn't have to like me but she does have to respect me. My husband says his x causes the drama but it gets so old. She does have a step father and from what understand she is great to him.
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u will never win no matter how hard u try
hey there
no matter what u do , what u say or how hard u try , u will never do enough. so dont. why waste your energy ? i did for 14 yrs , i was exhausted , the older sd now 16 wrecked our life when we took her in, she used us, she used me all these yrs, telling me hard it it was with bm. :jawdrop:
We are still going through hell now while she is living it up not taking any responsibilty for her actions. Sorry to be so harsh , hopefully its not the same for u but with the x workn against you it will never change just get worse. :?
That is totally what I feel
That is totally what I feel like! It is never enough and I wonder how much more I should keep telling my husband how the kid works my nerves. I do fell bad for SD because I think it's hard for her because BM doesn't want me to have any sort of relationship. Really what parent would want the step parent to treat their kids like crap. I just don't get that!
It totally agree with this!
I totally agree with this! You will never do enough! When I look back at how hard I tried with my sd, it makes me sick!:sick: I wasted too much time,energy and money on her! To hear her side of the story, I made her life miserable! If I were you, don't put any more effort into a relationship with her! Just be polite and do only what you absolutely have to do and nothing more!
Why is this so hard for me!
I am such a giving person...not to sound cheesy but I always just want to make her happy. I can't seem to get that out of my head. Also, I have told my DH that I am going to let him deal with things that involve her and I can tell it hurts his feelings. I guess I worry about everyone else first....I think I got the mom thing down just no BC of my own.
Why force it?
You said that the other SD and you have a good relationship but that SD13 is the one that seems not to like you. So why is it SO important to you that BOTH SDs like you?
I have three SDs. Their crazy BM tried from the very beginning to sabotage our relationship and tell ugly lies about me and their dad (but mostly me). And for the middle SD- it worked like a charm. She bought into her crazy BMs lies- lock, stock and barrel. And because of this (and other factors as well) we have NO relationship. And I'm ok with that. It's not ideal- but I'm not going to FORCE something that's CLEARLY never going to happen.
I do, however, have a nice relationship with my other two SDs (18 and 13). And that is where I spend my time and energy (as well as with my own two boys, ages 18 and 15).
I suggest you spend your time fostering that already healthy relationship with your other SD. If SD13 ever DOES come around in the future, it's going to have to be when SHE is ready.
But given the fact that so much damage has been done by the BM, it's quite unlikely. It's tragic, but in cases like these, it's a sad reality of life.
Hey, at least she RESPECTS you- at lot of other stepmoms don't even get THAT! So you're actually ahead of that game
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I really don't force it but
I really don't force it but I have just let SD know I am there for her. But should I be? I am the adult. I truly have made pease with myself and know that I have been so good to both of the girls.
Maybe you should ask her why
Maybe you should ask her why she is fine with her stepdad & not you, ask her if you did something to upset her. Maybe pointing out that she's fine with the stepdad will open her eyes. I'm sure your husband doesn't talk bad about the stepdad & even though her mom may talk bad about you, she is old enough to know that she should form her own opinions of you & that since you've never done anything bad to her there's no reason she shouldn't like you.
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
I totally have and really
I totally have and really never got an answer. Other than I'm different. I am different because unlike BM I work and try to keep up with the times. It's funny that you said that about her being old enough. I told her that no matter what she hears about me that she should judge me on how I treat her. I totally did. I gave her examples. I feel like she should be able to make her own decisions about her feeling towards me. Thanks someone else agrees!
Welcome to the wonderful
Welcome to the wonderful club of slighted stepmothers - many of us have taken up permanent residence here!! Unfortunately hun, I do not think there is a lot that can be done. I am in a similar situation and do not stand a chance against the poison that TROLL instills in the minds of my SDS' - it's very sad but I know that there is nothing I can do.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
My Boys are the same way
They are 18 and 15 and they treat my husband the same way. Their real dad died,and they treat my husband as just that. He is my husband not there dad. It can be very difficult to be in the middle of things at times. I feel like I'm suppose to pick sides, and some times I side with my boys and some times my hubby. I think it's human nature to pick our children. I did it when I was married to there dad,I always felt like he was to hard on them. My husband made a comment last week to my 15 y/o, I flat out told him He just made things worse and It wasn't his place to say anything.I have mixed feelings he's not involved with the boys as much as I'd like but yet they "act" like they don't want him there?????? some times I feel like, step parents should stay out of it, we just get our buts burned no matter what?????
Don't bother
Keep up your relationship with your SD that treats you decently. Now this is just my opinion but I sure in the hell would not bend over backwards for SD and take her anywhere or do anything if she is going to treat you like crap. I mean if she can't even say good night to you that is a big F U that she is saying to you. If she asks you why you don't do things for her just tell her why should I if you don't even acknowledge my existence. I am not trying to be your mom I am only trying to be your friend take it or leave it. I'm just the type of person that I don't take crap from kids, teenagers, anyone for that matter but then again that is just me. DISENGAGE WITH HER.
I totally took it has that
I totally took it has that too. It is what it is. Now when she does say good night it bother's me. I almost wish she wouldn't so I didn't spend my time wondering why she said it at all. I am totally that kind of take no crap person but for whatever reason have have let this kid get to me. I am working on it. I have told her point blank don't speak and I won't. Usually no response but her Step Dad is the just wonderful. Really think it's BM tarnishing the whole pic.
THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE RESPONSE
I know my friends are so tired of hearing about it and will never understand. I have asked her did I do something to you. I have totally put her on the spot and I never get a response just she shrugs her shoulders. Once she told me she prayed every night I would be safe at work. It totally crushed me because I would figure she prayed I would go away...lol. It totally caught me off guard. The only response I get from her is "your different". I am completely different from her BM. I work, take the kids to the doc. I have been referred to as City Girl because I don't drive a 4x4 but don't want to. I have told her is she SD13 doesn't like me that's fine she doesn't have to speak at all and I will return the favor. It just so hard for me to be that way so when she actually forgets it's me she's talking to and tells me about her day I get happy for a moment. Once she told me she loved me but I think again she forgot who she was talking to. No kidding I really do. You know I have even had b-day parties, shopping trips and let them get occassional pedicures. My husband says says the BM is jealous because she can't or don't do those things. Her BM's home is 2 times the size of ours but I prefer to enjoy like and take vacations so that's what we do. How about they are both teens and the BM calls them everynight they are with us even when we are on vacation. Same time every night even if they just got here an hour ago. It is a bit crazy in my thought we are like 8 miles a way from each other. We have them about 50% of the time. I do have a smart mouth and fight the urge not to tell a child off and that breaks my heart that I could even feel that why because you will never hear me refer to them as SD's but just my daughters. My husband says she's just moody but I have told him time and time again the moodiness is just with me. I use to cry to myself, (which is totally not me) but I have truly gotten better but still struggle with the whole situation. My husband says he's sorry for putting me in this but he don't see it, I think he thinks that's what he is suppose to say which ticks me off even more. He says they always ask for me when I am not home. I just wish BM could grow up. She has a life as well and just be thankful someone else loves and treats her children good. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this time to vent. Not that I want anyone feeling my pain but thanks for taking the time.