Ex Name on Checking Account
I am so angry I can hardly type. Ten days ago I had a lovely wonderful wedding, and then a fun 6-day trip with my new husband and my skids and my husband's family (who flew a long distance for the wedding -- the trip was my idea and lots of fun). New husband is back at work and I am taking a few extra days off. While going through some papers (of mine) I found some papers of his that I sorted since he had thrown them in my pile. They were already opened, and included information about an account that has his name as well as his ex-wife's name. About a year and a half into our relationship (over two years ago) I discovered (from picking up the mail) that he still had several accounts with his ex's name on them. I was very upset to see mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. First Name and First Name Last Name;" at the time it made me cry, it was so painful, and I shared my feelings with him and he said he didn't agree it was a big deal it was technicality only but he would fix it. That was over two years ago. Over time the issue would come up and he would say that he hadn't gotten to it yet; he said it was hard because there were automatic payments coming out of the account and they needed her signature too, etc. etc. Plus he would get busy with work and forget, which is true because we both have the same hard jobs and details sometimes get lost for months, esp. for him as he is not good at details other than his specific field of law. But after we got engaged 13 months ago and it was decided I would move in, I said enough was enough, I had to have him close all those accounts or remove her name. I asked him about this issue about once a month until he told me it was done. We even went to pre-marriage counseling for a few months where this issue came up and the counselor said that most men take the names off right away, and it was a good idea to close the accounts, even aside from my feelings which were important. This was last spring. At one point, then-fiance told me it was done. I said, really? No more mail coming to my house with her name on it? No accounts, anywhere? And he thought about it and he said well, there's one account it's an insurance account through his work and he's required to keep that as part of the divorce settlement. And I said fine, and we talked a bit about how we would handle life insurance for both of us after we were married. I was very deliberate in all of this! It was important to me that the finances be frank and open and that I be protected, and told him so. Today I emailed him the account info from the paperwork I had found and asked him to confirm that this account had been closed. I thought perhaps this was old paperwork (dated 4/06) or one he'd forgot. He said no, he was aware of it!! He said he left her name on there because that is how the alimony and child support payments are transferred. WHATTTT????? After all of that deliberate discussion he's got THAT in his back pocket? He out and out lied to me. (never mind that there's no need to have her name on the account for a transfer, I wouldn't expect that kind of lame excuse from a lawyer like my husband, I know better and he certainly must) When I noted to him on the phone that he had lied to me he said "I'm not exactly sure that's what happened" Baloney! I am very detailed oriented and this was a MAJOR issue for me. It is not something I would have misunderstood. I am FURIOUS!!! I am questioning whether I should have married him. I married him on the supposition that we had been fully up front about all financial issues. In our discussions, I did not go to the level of detail of asking how the support money was transferred, although I did ask the amounts, which he willingly told me. I can't believe I have to interrogate him at that level to get at the truth! That is not a marriage!
- Gwen's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Gwen...
Hi Gwen, wow sounds like what I've gone through before w/my husband. Similarities in the situation. Tell him again that he needs to settle that in a week. Transferring of the money can be changed as to what account it comes out from, so it's not a hard thing for him to correct at all. He should ultimately respect your wishes especially about getting rid of the ex's name off the account. Getting her name off is also a protection from her getting access to the money. If anything replace her name w/yours. Sometimes it takes a few reminders for men to finally get it. It's usually to the point of a break up or smoke coming out of your head for them to realize that you mean business. I notice too that men like to do the easy way out and not think about what we women really want.
I too had ran into similar situations w/my husband and this whole divorce issue. I demanded to read the divorce decree so I know what the hell went on and child custody issues. I read that decree so carefully and memorized everything in it, better than my husband or his ex. I knew every decision and judgments that was in it. So far ex has broken every rule in that decree. We have emails we saved in case she decides to take us back to court. I was receiving mail at our business that was addressed to the ex and I would just throw it away. Sorry I'm mouthing off right now, but I know how you truly feel and my advise to you is to keep telling him until he has done it to your satisfaction, if you have to go w/him to do it then better yet. Do everything you can to be happy and move forward w/your life. Sometimes, men need to be told a dozen of times for them to understand your point of view. After 6 yrs of marriage, I still do that...you would think he would know me by now....but NO! I feel like I have to hold his hand so that he can realize what marriage life means and what it involves. Anyways, let me know what happens.
-happy mom
Gwen
I just want you to know that you have every valid reason to be upset, and I support you in getting to the bottom of this. I am not in this situation, so I cannot offer any advice, but sometimes it is just nice to hear someone supporting you.
What I can relate to in your situation is the feeling of being blown off. I really lose my mind when people think they don't have to take me seriously, and just blow me off. Be strong, and do whatever it takes to ensure no checking account has her name on it.
I do agree with happy mom, most men take numerous nagging attempts to actual follow through with their committments, and most men usually do choose the easy way out. I can definetly relate to that. There has to be other motivation for him to keep that checking acct open other than just the ease of transferring money.
Good luck, I wish you the best, and I hope my support helps you.
Gwen
I found out that the ex was still listed on one of my husband's credit cards. He said that he didn't even remember that she was on it and that she probably didn't have the card anymore. (but she could have used it if she wanted too!!!)
It was a store credit card that he rarely used. I guess the bill was only in his name so he didn't realize that she could still use it.
We got an advertisement in the mail from that store, that had HER name on it but our address (where she had never lived). So I made some phone calls and did some research and found out that her name was on it the account. I was SHOCKED, to say the least. My husband took care of it right away.
It's scary that it took years to find this out. Thank goodness that my husband and the ex were never married and not together very long. They didn't have very many joint accounts. Still, it makes you wonder what else may be out there!!
Dawn
Financial Advice
I'm a financial advisor who used to give seminars for women only. I ALWAYS advised women who were marrying to check ALL bank, checking, savings, credit card, investment accounts, 401k, pension, retirement, annuity, life insurance policy, property titles, deeds of trust, lines of credit, school loans, IRAs, etc. to see who are the authorized users and who are the beneficiaries. Also if his parents have left anything specifically to the ex (then wife) in their wills that they would rethink now.
Obviously we don't want the ex on anything but even if your DH was never married before, they may still have their mother as the benficiary (Do you want your MIL to decide your financial future !!!!!???!!!)
Also many times, additional children have been born since original paperwork was filled out and never updated. So ifanything happened to DH and they are not specifically listed as beneficiaries, they will be left out.
If you get a credit report, it will show if accounts are held in joint names or have authorized users. Many other documents are available online (county assesor, etc,)or through a title company.
Time to put on your "Blues Clues" hats, ladies.
Great advice..!
DH ran a credit check on himself..right after they split. He couldn't figure out why the bank wouldn't give him $1000.oo OD but she could buy a brand new 02 sports car in 01...and she makes half his money. It turned up nothing...even financial institutions know that with an upcoming court date...odds are the man will loose out financially ...
Me & x separated all things finacial right away..cashed out joint bonds, cancelled joint Credit cards..all of that.. sold our joint property(home)..paid out our joint debt. Split the left-overs 50/50...
I can't figure out men.... Why would he want to have her name still attached to his business?? That's usually one of the first things divorcing couples do...
Follow up and Question About Controlling Anger
Thanks so much for all of the responses and input and support, it really made a lot of difference!!
To his credit (no pun intended), husband came home early from work and immediately apologized and said he agreed that ex needs to be taken off for both business and emotional reasons (mine); he said that what he remembers saying was that he had canceled all automatic payments from that account except the support transfers and that these cancellations were the last step to closing this account, except actually closing it, and he (once again) just never got to it because of work, the wedding, etc. I recall him saying differently but at this point who knows what exact words were exchanged, so I have to let it go. I am still disturbed by his lack of follow-up for over two years over something so important to me, and my perception that he either lied to me or mislead me, but without more at present I have to let it go. Frankly, he is not the type to lie affirmatively, but sometimes he does mislead by omission in order to avoid conflict. This is one of our relationship challenges. At bottom, though, he agreed that it was not good sense to leave ex on the account. As part of my discussion with husband, I asked and he wholeheartedly agreed that in the next two weeks we sit down and exchange all financial documents including his divorce settlement and credit reports as well as the usual accounts, insurances, investments, etc. He said he is glad I want to do that (we had actually talked about it at some point prior to the wedding and, once again, never got to it). After we get ourselves organized (and unearth any surprises privately), we will then go see a financial counselor to plan together. So at present I feel better because although there are important communication issues that remain and will require attention, when is this not the case? And the basic issue of finances and openness and elimination of the ex from all financial holdings we agree on. He said by COB Friday it will be done. Let's all cross our fingers! I will look forward to confirming it is done
Now, today, I am concerned about my reaction to his acknowledgement that this joint account still existed. I was understandably angry and upset (and still am a little so), but the overwhelming force of my emotion was UNBELIEVABLE. I couldn't even sit still, I was pacing and crying (fortunately all privately except for this site!
) I believe that being able to spew it out here went a long way toward defusing my anger so that I was able to talk relatively calmly with him when he came home, but looking back I am astonished at the vehemence of my reaction. It cannot be good for my heart and body to get so angry and anxious. I tried telling myself that while I was mad but it didn't help. Again, thank goodness for this site providing a place to vent and be heard, but has anyone else found a way to control the immediate anger reaction, if only for their own health? Anger can be healthy, but this kind of rage was not. Thanks for any thoughts.
Closure
I am pleased to report that husband has reported that he has finally and fully closed the darned account.
Keep the faith!
Still no insight as to the rage-control issue . . . working on that . . . but I know that support here is an invaluable tool. I felt so alone these past four years, can't express how helpful this site and your support is!