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What do you suspect 3 days from now will look like??????????????????????????????????????????
It's been a year and 2 Months since I posted. Somethings have changed and somethings remain the same. My husband's son no longer lives with us (it's been a year now). However, since we (really I)forced my husband's hand...I've managed to have his son move out. A year ago I washed 8 loads of clothes/dry/folded his clothes and off he left--How??? My husband took his son to a)initially to a hotel which we paid over $1,000 a month!! to live till we found him something more permanent.
After 6 months of that we (again,I*although my husband gives his son the credit)found a home to rent.Rented only a room for $400 a month. Where his lazy ass continues to reside.
My husband as well as his son will both claim he had had a job here and there yet He hasn't had a job in years. I say all his son has done is relax and partied at our expense. We pay this rent/electricity/cell phone/his food/husband gives him rides occasionally/ & party money for his entertainment.
I very much dislike him.
I didn't have this much anger until months before my husband & I married---This son Stole my TV/and VERY EXTREMELY sentimental money (My father collected and was of value-my father has since passed away). He returned the tv and never the money.
Anyway a year ago Oct 1, 2014 my Therapist (yes, I'm seeing a therapist because I was (AM)consumed my this lazy ass kid not able to make it on his own. Anyway, I gave my husband an ultimatum a year ago that he had a full YEAR (the end of October 2015)to stop providing his son money or my husband would have to move out (luckily, We live in My home before marriage). After hours/days he finally agreed..I repeated the conditions and our agreement about every quarter --by then he knew I meant business.
4 MORE DAYS ---My husband will have to STOP funding money or I will no longer accept taking this any longer. I must tell you I have snicked into my husbands cell phone and read some messages...My husband has informed his son that he will be cutting all funding. His son is hitting back with What will I do????I'll be homeless?? I cry every night asking God for help?? sometimes he changes it up and tries the sympathy card..."I'm no good",don't worry about it I'm not worth helping", "I wasn't meant to be happy", "I have no food/no life/ I'm so very skinny" blah blah, blah.
His son is 27 years old this Month. No drivers license because he never paid any of his prior fines (which I wouldn't be surprised if my husband has paid them already. He has no car because the one he had he sold for CASH. You can't give him anything because he lives at the pawn shops. I honestly haven't seen his son in over a year yet I see him text my husband daily--DAILY. DAILY!!!!! For money..nothing else. My husband as wonderful and a smart man that he is --has only one MAJOR FLAW....His son. My husband does not see that his son is using him/okay he allows himself to be used.
My problem is the arguing about the money given to his son is this. My husband is well off. We are pretty much set financially and I myself am pretty much financially set before we married.
My point is that I'm not willing to give my money to someone who does nothing to earn or help. My husband just keeps saying he just can't find a job without a car. I have two daughters before marriage and I PAID all their 4 years COLLEGE degrees without any help because they EARNED IT. They have zero student loans. ZERO. If i'm going to give money I'm going to give those that show effort.
Ok..What do you suspect 3 days from now will look like??????????????????????????????????????????
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You living on your own. Come
You living on your own.
Come back on Nov 1st and tell us.
Yeah, pretty much figure
Yeah, pretty much figure yourself a single lady in 3,2,1...
He's not going to cut his son off. Oh, he might try a little, threaten some. Might even let son go a week or two without fresh cash. But it won't last. Neither the extra 'final round' nor the resolve to keep the funds off.
This man has made it very clear to both you and his son that he's ok with the situation. He doesn't see it to be the problem you view it as. The man is wealthy and financially set and he doesn't miss or need the tossed away cash. He's not going to let the SS go homeless, hungry and out on the street doing criminal activities to survive.
You used your money to 100% fund eight years of university for your daughters. He's using his to keep a roof over his son' head. *shrugs* He doesn't see nor care you view as one worthy and the other a waste.
IMO she probably has lost
IMO she probably has lost respect for a man that allows himself to be shit on. I wouldn't allow myself to be in a situation where my FDH was funding a grown adult either.
There is nothing worse than standing down wind from a man and all you smell is Pu**y, a man lacking a backbone is not attractive.
It would be sickening to me
It would be sickening to me to live with a man who keeps his son as a pet. He had a year to put together a plan and get that man-baby trained to take over his own life. It's not that hard. Really, it's not. We are doing it with my very autistic stepson. Your dh doesn't do it because he doesn't want to. He likes having the pet.
If you do not stick to your ultimatum, well, I just don't know how you back out of that because you will be so enraged and resentful and disgusted if you do your marriage will be on very thin ice anyway.
It is not your fault that this 27 year old didn't go to college. It is not your fault that he, and his dad apparently, both believe he is too good to work a non-college job or ride the bus. It is not your fault he sold his car for cash. It is not your fault that at 27 he is not embarrassed to be living off his dad.
Pet? I'm not sure I've ever
Pet? I'm not sure I've ever heard a parent trying to deal, cope, help a mentally ill child (minor or adult) referred to as 'keeping a pet'?
no no twoview, not the
no no twoview, not the commenter's austistic son, the OP's ss - the perfectly capable but lazy and useless and moneygrubbing one with NO special needs or mental illness. she was saying that, unlike her teaching her child correctly, in spite of his needs, OP's dh doesnt teach his son to be independent and to care for himself, because he likes having someone dependent on him that he can take care of, just like a pet.
Thank you, tuff. Yes.
Thank you, tuff. Yes.
A son is someone you nurture
A son is someone you nurture toward independence. You sincerely hope one day he will out-achieve you in every way. You want to have him trained so that in your old age you feel confident handing over your estate to him and maybe even your own affairs.
A pet you know will be dependent on you FOREVER. It gives you warm and snuggly feelings.
No where in the original post did it state this young man is mentally ill in anyway. The reported behavior and statements (texts to dad) display very organized thinking.
Dad has had 1 full year (on top of 26 others) to break things down into steps for son. We take my ss14 to the store, give him a list and some money and expect him to get all the items while we watch. He then does the transaction with the cashier. With every outing he gets more confident and we help less. One day dad and I will both be gone. I do not want him handing over whatever cash he has to anyone who asks for it. So we train him NOW to check for correct change, etc. He is a very cuddly, sweet-natured boy who often acts like a toddler. But we do not allow ourselves to treat him like a toddler because we view him as a son who will be as independent as possible one day. We do not revel in the feeling of his dependence on us: we fear it. OP's husband can surely do similar age appropriate steps with his son, weaning him off dad's wallet. Why hasn't he in all this time?
If anyone thinks I am a sniper of all things stepchild that is grotesque.
BTW I should add we expect
BTW I should add we expect him to get a job when he's 15 1/2. We already know what job it will be. Adulthood should come as no surprise to this fine young man. He will be able to handle himself to the best possible degree we can manage.
IDK if he's 'mentally
IDK if he's 'mentally delayed' or not. Its hard to a glimpse of exactly his diagnosis is other than bipolar (rebuffed in one of OP'S postings as "blah blah blah ").
It wasn't my diagnosis. It's
It wasn't my diagnosis. It's what her SS was diagnosed by his doctors. I meant it was hard to get a glimpse of any real and accurate back story solely through OP'S ranting. She just drops snippets. This SS was previously diagnosed before OP came along.
Yes. Last post she wrote here
Yes. Last post she wrote here that I read was 8 months ago (not the 14 months she indicates it was). I read four or five of her original postings. This is her husbands at least third marriage and in one post she mentioned SS ran off wife number two.
ETA...I do agree with you that bipolar diagnosis isn't a hopeless situation, but I got no indication he's currently under treatment and/or taking meds.
welp. that'll teach me to
welp. that'll teach me to read all comments before throwing my two cents in...
But you're correct with
But you're correct with saying OP'S SS could live for the most part a normal life with the appropriate treatment and guidance. Maurice Bernard (been an actor for years) is bipolar.
It appears OP'S DH just tosses financial funds toward his son. OP thinks SS also does drugs. I'm reading untreated bipolar/manic depressive on street drugs.... what a nightmare mess. Daddy's money can't fix this.
Absolutely NOT an ill Step
Absolutely NOT an ill Step Son...If anything he "maybe" a junkie. He is pretty dumb however, knows how to get his way. Stepson knows what and how to pull his Dad to release CASH. My husband is only an ATM to him. No one really speaks to him. Stepson has zero contact with family although family is always wanting to know the latest on him through me. They know my Husband continues to support him. Stepson has stolen from everyone "I believe" as they have told me so. My husband "thinks" this is the way to solve the problem of him stealing from other (non-relatives). Stepson has not broken into peoples homes because my husband keeps funneling money to him.
I've noticed my husband has been extra nice this whole month. Clearly an indication that he wants this to go on. As far as having this Losers/STEPSON check to see if he is ill....it all comes back to what the Kid/STEPSON wants---because Daddy won't put a stop to it...Basically, stepson refuses to see a psychiatrist/be evaluated by anyone (yeah, but okay to willing take "our" money).
Sure, we are both financially set. I guess that's what I'm having to keep evaluating. My mind says EDUCATION/or even show your working "anywhere" even if you can't get enough to live on (I would absolutely agree to DEFINITELY HELP). However, to help a BUM/Maybe Junkie who stole from me & others/living the high life at 27 never really have worked only a few days here and there. (By the way, my husband also has another son who finished College like my 2 daughters--all 3 have MASTERS DEGREES. ZERO STUDENT LOANS.
To me he is a rat. I don't like him at all. He doesn't live with us anymore. It's been over a year. Again, we have been paying his apt./cell/electricity/food/party money. I personally haven't seen him in over a year. Only my husband. Actually, no one has seen him because they know who he is. Even his grandparents haven't seen him.
I know we have the money to support this slug----But should I??? A whole lot of me says HELL NO. A small part of my heart says "I have the means"--Keep the peace my husband and just keep paying. I see trouble if I do this.
I see myself at 90 still funneling money to this idiot. While the three good Kids get unnoticed.
I've told my Husband that I am doing my will. We have ranches/assets which I don't want him to get. He has no illness from what I can see. He is normal only a manipulator. His 2 sons where from his ex-wife who had both children. When they were 15 they were asked who they wanted to live with....the one son who got his Masters was the one that went to live with my husband. The thief STAYED with the exwife and this is what became of him.
I'm absolutely not worried financially. So I'm not worried if my husband were to choose his son. Every indication shows he is definitely afraid I leave him. Which I would absolutely so after November 1 if this sh*t doesn't get cut off.
Am I just a mean person for what I'm doing?????
Being I'm willing to throw a marriage because he continues to funnel money to this lowlife SS. I feel I'm overly consumed with behavior. When he stole the money that my father collected...he rattled me something awful. My father passed away less then 6 months ago. SS has never apologized and I will now NEVER forgive him.
Yes, correct. Thank you for
Yes, correct. Thank you for the correction. It was 8 months ago (sorry about that). Both his Stepson are from the 1st wife. The 2nd wife left after she gave him the ultimatum "It's me or him (referring to SS). My now Husband left with his son. Clearly, I knew nothing of all of this (it was a well kept secret) when I married him. This one son lived with him but would leave when he woke up to what I believe was "going to work". NOPE. I was wrong just to go out with friends. He would arrive very late at night and would do it all over again. I have told my husband that unlike his 2nd wife...I plan on ending all of this in a few days. By all indications his son knows his father is cutting him off. SS is doing a damn good job trying to keep my husband on the hook. By all indication my husband has told me many times he does plan on doing this. Will see...it' maybe stupid to leave this wonderful man with a monkey on his back..But this is what I have to do.
I don't want to send this SS a message that he can use me too. That's what I would be saying if I allow money that truly belongs to both of us. We don't split our money. I've never liked that. We have both are monies in the same account. Same Financial Adviser too.
Could SS be bipolar..I guess maybe. I think it more easily be DRUGS..He steals...when Christmas comes my Husband family still gives him presents even though they don't see him...he opens presents and runs to the pawn shop....my Observation---drugs and I don't want my two daughters sitting at a Christmas/Thanksgiving/Party/Birthdays with a junkie.
Maybe he'll be lucky enough
Maybe he'll be lucky enough to find wife #4 who will allow him to keep his pet child.
I would hope that you would warn her what is going to happen if you ever find out who she is. Wouldn't it have been nice if you'd been warned?
You need to take steps to make sure that he doesn't take money from the joint account. And notify the Financial Advisor that he's not to take any money out and set up a fund for SS. Once he's left, you can work out the details of how things are going to be separated but in the next few days I'd be moving money and closing accounts. Yes, it's a bitchy thing to do but he knows your feelings and he knows the ultimatum. Perhaps moving money will show him that you are serious.