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OH for heaven's sake..why lie about this...NSR ...a spouse rant

halo1998's picture

My AH (ahole husband)..still cannot grasp the concept of not lying.  Seriously, why is this so freaking hard...

After two years of putting this sh*tshow of a marriage back together...going to weekly counseling to help fix my self esteem, work on my people pleasing and start setting some freaking boundries...going to couples counseling to work on our communciation and issues..this dumb@ss still thinks its ok to lie about shit..."to protect my feelings"  


The latest...while considered a "white lie"...irks me to NOT FREAKING END.  If you lie about this AH...WTF else are you lying about.

The issues..

I made something this week for dinner..(I do all the cooking and yes I ask for input in the menu)....and DH has eaten it in the past many times.  Didn't think anything of it...except yesterday the AH let is slip he doesn't like this meal. ......SAY WHAT....I turned around like Regan from the exorcist and asked....What do you mean you don't like it and why WTF haven't you said anything before.?  


AH's response...well you cook for me and you take into account my allergies, etc. So I didn't want to tell you I didn't like it and hurt your feelings and then you wouldn't cook for me.  

SERIOUS AH....if you had come at me with.."This meal sucks, your an awful cook and I never want to have it again"..then yea I would have my feeling hurt and tell you where to stick my cooking.  However, if you came to me with "Look Halo...there is nothing wrong with your cooking and for some reason I just don't like this recipe."  then I would have said..sure no problem.  Your not going to like everything.  

I found out this AH has been doing this to me for dude..just tell me you don't like shit...I DON'T CARE....I found out he doesn't like broccoli or peas, etc.  These are not ;things to lie about...WHO CARES..I hate peas and tomotoes...and I will flat out tell you that.  Now, lets say I'm at someones house and they are I going to be polite and not saying anything sure..but if its at home with my spouse, my kids or my parents..Nah I'm going to let you know I just don't like those things.  Got nothing to do with how its cooked, etc...

AH does not understand with his history, I find myself questioning everything he says...and plus...GOOD LORD AH GROW UP...stop making "assumptions" for me...and put your big boy pants on and be FREAKING HONEST.

All this from someone who and I quote "Hates liars"  AH doesn't realize that now he has set our recovery back with his "simple little lie" all in an effort to protect himself..cause it certianly wasn't to "protect my feelings"


Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm dealing with this also. About 2 years ago, SO and i were arguing about his activities on social media. He grabbed my phone and deleted my Facebook account. All my photos, contacts...gone. He then said he was deleting his, too, "for us." But a little later he said his "would not delete." Apparently there is some glitch where his Facebook account is special, and cannot be deleted. He waved his phone in front of me and said "See?!? There's no delete button on mine!" He then said he would not use it, though. For 2 years i thought that chapter was closed. I didn't miss it. But then last week, SO texts me a pic. It's from his favorite pool hall's Facebook page. It has a photo of SO playing pool as one of its advertisements. I said, "Wow, great pic!" But later that day i went to the bar's page. It's public so anyone can view it, even without an account. I clicked the photo and under the "likes" was SO's name. I clicked on his name and saw that he had made that photo his cover photo on his Facebook. The one he said he never used. When i confronted him he said i was mentally unstable and didn't want him to have any fun. If mentally unstable equals caught your SO in another bald-faced lie, guilty as charged. Sneaky, lying, lazy bastard. These assholes don't change. You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife. 

ESMOD's picture

I would be boiling... first he has the nerve to delete your FB.. as punishment for calling him out on HIS own questionable use of social media.. then he not only doesn't delete his.. but has gone back to actively using it?

Ughhhh it's not like YOU were the social media problem.. I would be pissed.. I might also go on dating sites.. lol 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I've accepted that he is nice to have a good time with but lacks integrity and long-term dependability. I lost a lot of good pics of my kids growing up. That's the worst part. 

SteppedOut's picture

He's  a damn lying jerk. Aaaannnnddd he deleted a bunch of your kids photos? I actually might end it with someone over that... just the total lack of consideration and....controlling much? And then to find out HE was still using it? No. Not even a good time guy. He'd be gone. 

thinkthrice's picture

That photo thing I remember Chef in one of his drunken rages ripped one of Awesomesons childhood photos I was totally pissed beyond belief

CLove's picture

So, how did he have all your accunt passwords? Wow, but I have been able to recover husbands account back in the day. Are you certain its fully "gone"? You can contact FB perhaps.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He took my phone and used my app. It didn't require a password, he just had to click on the app and it opened. I've checked. It's gone. The whole account was deleted. 

halo1998's picture

it wasn't your activities that were in question.....I would have lost my shiznit.

Apparently, you can't turn an @sshole into a husband...and yet men wonder why women no longer want marriage, etc.  Can't imagine why..

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think men have always been like this, at least some of them. I think we all want a good marriage, but the difference is we no longer need to be married. I know my grandmothers put up with a lot. One grandma and another great-grandma chose to live their last 30 or so years in poverty rather than put up with crap. Thankfully we have more options. 

Lillywy00's picture

yet men wonder why women no longer want marriage, etc.  Can't imagine why..

My ex dude was like this. 

He wanted marriage but all he was showing me is how HE would benefit waaaay more than me so why lock myself into getting the short end of the stick 

This new generation of men (not all of them but a lot of them) has expectations that are completely unrealistic and out of this world ... they want you to unconditionally love their dirty drawers as if you are their mom, help them take care of their feral kids (most of them can't hack it as single parents) as if you are their mom/indentured slave nanny, watch money go out of your shared household funds for 18+ years to a conniving manipulative ex wife, help them clean up after themselves, feed them, bail them out of their eff ups as a result of their faulty executive decision making skills ... PLUS they want unlimited seggs on demand AND their woman working to help them pay half or more of the bills.....while they offer nothing more than mediocre eggplant and headaches 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

...he said i was mentally unstable...

Mentally unstable?! I'd give that jerkwad mentally unstable after I retrieved my house key from his key ring and started throwing his crap out of the window and/or door.

Woman, nothing he says can fix this. I have always thought he wasn't good enough for you and that you were settling. This proves it. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. Grrrrr.... Your Significant Orifice needs a Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. 

grannyd's picture

Dammit, Ani, let’s go! You bring the ladder and, dressed in black leather, under cover of darkness, switchblade between my teeth, I’ll clamber up to his bedroom window. After I’ve finished with him, you can furnish the death blow with the world’s fiercest Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. Are you game?

Rumple, you can arrange to be out of town so that no suspicion falls upon you.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Granny, I'm still steaming. And that dude is a steaming pile of monkey shizzit. *diablo*

Lillywy00's picture

You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife.

Especially not when they act like they are "for the streets" and more feral than their spawns


He grabbed my phone and deleted my Facebook account. All my photos, contacts...gone. He then said he was deleting his, too, "for us." But a little later he said his "would not delete." Apparently there is some glitch where his Facebook account is special, and cannot be deleted. He waved his phone in front of me and said "See?!?

If I had a dude who  did this I would have ever-so-gently placed all of his possessions in the basement and deleted him from the bedroom then when he asks what's going on .... "oops this must be a "glitch" ... toodles!"

thinkthrice's picture

A leopard doesn't change its spots.   I have the opposite problem in that Chef is extremely nasty when he doesn't like something I cook yet he will openly brag about his cooking whether or not I like it.  

If it wasn't for me he would still have the palate of a three year old.   He will reject something that I mentioned or cook but if he eats it in a restaurant and likes it then he is all in.

He will also get nasty if I hesitate to tell him what is for dinner because I feel he's going to reject it in a very nasty way.

I was taught not to brag about your own cooking and let others do it, which they do for me.  I was also taught to say "No thank you I don't care for that"  instead of "That shit sucks don't give it to me again!"

You just can't win with these men.

halo1998's picture

since you can't be honest and upfront about what you like and don't....

I too was taught to be polite and just say no thank you...I don't care for that.  But damm....I figure if I'm that intimate with you..then we should be able to say...gee honey..this receipe just really isn't for me.  

ESMOD's picture

I actually get to an extent.. not making a big deal about being served something that isn't totally my favorite.. but I have hurt my SO's feelings a few times because we DO have different tastes about some stuff and there are things I love.. he hates.. things he loves I hate and the way we cook chicken is different too.. he cooks it "to death".. which makes any white meat on the bird like sawdust.. but I try not to pick his meals apart too

But.. letting someone know there are foods you can't really eat. or really dislike? that seems obvious.. I would want to know because when I cook..  my goal is to prepare something he likes (except when I make my crispy tofu.. he hates tofu.. but I tell him to make a sandwich.. I  make my own lunches.. he can prepare his own too..haha).


halo1998's picture

hadn't spent years telling me.."oh sure Halo I'm happy with our marriage, intimate life, etc" only to find out he was lying to me, lying to the other women and to himself.

His justification was.."he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings."...

So the minute I find this sh*t out...I think.."oh great WTF else is he lying about quote "Spare my feelings"


ESMOD's picture

I mean.. yeah.. he doesn't have to pick your meals apart when you slightly overcook the roast or the cut of meat ends up tough.. but if he at a basic level does not like peas.. it would be nice to let you know.

Merry's picture

Dang it, Halo. Our journeys have been similar in some ways but you have me beat on this one. And it's so stupid!

Does he not understand the impact this has on recovering trust? Maybe HE thinks it's a harmless white lie but he's got to get his head out of his a&& and gain some empathy here. Geezo. 

halo1998's picture

Which incidently was part of the reason he didn't tell me about what he wanted and led him to his other activities.  

What irriates the making "assumptions" for me....assuming I would be upset, assuming I wouldn't want to try something, always freaking ASSuming.  

Also, the "I'm sparing your feelings" is complete BS.  He is sparing HIS FEELINGS...not mine, as in he doesn't want to be on the receiving end if I do get upset.  Its completely because he cannot deal with anyone being upset.  Same old crap.....

Merry's picture

You're giving him the freakin roadmap to what you need from him. His ASSumptions just cause chaos and discord.

Does he really think he will cause a major blow up if he tells you he doesn't like peas or whatever?You don't strike me as the kind of person who would turn into a puddle over something like that. 

halo1998's picture

I don't think I can be any clearer.....apparently yes..he believes there will be a blow up if he says.."hey I hate broccoli".  I would only blow up over his delivery if it sucked....and even then I would note ..he doesn't like just don't serve it again.

I swear I am perpetually being punished for his parents sh*tting @ss parenting and the sh*tty thing Beaver did (she would have a 10,000 fits over something like this..heck she had a fit over the fact he is allergic to poultry)



RockyRoads's picture

Mine is very, very damaged. I don't think he will ever be able to repair himself. It is so sad that alot of these men could be so much more if they had any self respect for how they are treated by the dysfunctional family. 

Lillywy00's picture

This might sound effed up but my ex dudes mother was deceased when I met him ... and I was low key glad she wasn't physically present bc I probably would have told her "lady you think I'm supposed to do ALL this work "unconditionally" loving / dealing with your son bc you did a very lackluster job at raising him to be a masculine man who will be valuable as a spouse"

This woman coddled him and had him thinking women are supposed to be masculine / he was the prize. #dysfunction #delusionsofgrandeur #gentleparentingfail 

halo1998's picture

and I told AH this.."I don't feel like I know you".  You don't tell me your likes, dislikes, am I to feel like I know you.  Then this moron goes on to say.."But I tell you everything."  SMH.....clearly he DOES NOT tell me everything....and now I wonder if anything he tells me is the truth and if he really does like something.

AH was offended when I told I feel like I don't know you....well dude when you lie about everything..then what do you expect.


Also, I'm irritated over this whole "spare my feelings" general I'm a pretty accepting person.  I have my issues with anxiety and some trauma triggers due to the Village Idiot..but good lord I'm not above taking constructive critisiscm and I'm not some fragile flower.

BTW..the therapist, who specializes in trauma, says alot of my anxiety is due to the fact I don't trust AH to be there for me....mentally or physcially.  And funny enough, that had died down as AH were making progress in our marriage. 

RockyRoads's picture

I had to change my account but I am the SM with the SS that has a sports thing everyday.  But my SO tries to white lie but it always comes back around. But I am made to always feel it is somehow my fault. I was told that SS has BASEBALL practice early before school because he does BASKETBALL after school. My sister in law accidentally called me yesterday and I answered and she said she was picking up her son at baseball practice . I said this seems late in the evening for that ,SS here is going to baseball practice before school because of basketball. She said wow how early. I asked SO how early SS goes for baseball? He said it is FOOTBALL not baseball is that what you need to know all defensive. I said to my sister in law oh it is football I had no idea that football was still a thing right now. I get off the phone and he said what were you saying about SS? I said this has zero to do with SS it was about how early a practice was. I let it go it is not worth it there is so much more going on with us right now . But the point was is why lie about to being baseball when it was football. SO knows I think the sports are out of hand but that morning practice is not part in my problem so I didn't care if he was going early for synchronized swimming. These men are unbelievable. 

halo1998's picture

It just irritates me to no end...these men want to be "head of the household" but good lord they avoid decisions and conflict like they are avoiding the plague.

And these are the same guys that go "I didn't know she was unhappy...why are we divorcing/"  Cause we can take care of ourselves now and DO NOT NEED YOU......ergo...if you don't get your sh*t together we are out.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

They claim to be "blindsided" when they get left and then tell their friends and family you were "crazy" or "mentally unstable." 

RockyRoads's picture

I am working on if I am going to tell SO I am leaving him. I was giving him the chance to call the therapist and as I am working from home today I am sitting her looking at the bright color post it with the information on it for him to call. I have to tell myself that this has to be it. I have tried as hard as I could have. I am sure he will either tell his family I was insane or just someone push it under the rug like i didn't even matter. 

Lillywy00's picture

This was my now ex when I left him after YEARS of multiple situations of pretending not to have empathy for me / boundaries with his failed former family of manipulative twats AND being a militant ahole to me at "our" home when I called out his behavior 

He called up my mom and claimed we had a "good" relationship and I blindsided him and he wished I would have talked to him. As if multiple conversations hadn't occurred but he chose to be willfully obtuse by ignoring my needs in favor of his kids and ex wife 95% of the time. 

Anyways as to why your husband stays lying about simple ish.....because most likely that's what he's been doing for so long it's normal to him and he sees nothing wrong with it. 

My ex dude wouldn't lie directly but he would omit the truth about the level to which he was operating his B. Beck n Call Hotline and Manny service for his cuntasourus ex wife and feral kids. I initially thought it was just on school holidays, then I thought it was just every weekend, turned out it was no-boundary-24/7....

RockyRoads's picture

Men like ours with no boundaries are so used to covering everything up so they "don't hurt" anyone. That I don't know if they can tell the difference between truth and lies (or omission) any more. And it is different what they think they can and can't say to different people. And it makes them spineless sissies because it shows they won't stand up to anyone but just take it all out on us. Basically the only people who really want to be with them and help them. And then they push us away because of it.

Harry's picture

DW Only  made one thing that I said. Never make that again.  Some stuff I wasn't  happy about , but she was cooking .  Did the food budget. That wasn't unlimited in the early years .actually wasn't much.  Pasta , eggs, rice,  were staples.  I understood she didn't have time  for aa great dinner every night. 

But lieing. About. dinner.  He has a problem 

Rags's picture

Saddly many boys have the "don't want to disappoint or tell someone anything they don't want to hear" gene.  Fortunately, most get over it before full blown manhood.

I had the gene, my brother had it, our son had it.  

No matter how much we build a difficult topic up to be in our head, it is never as bad as we build it up to be.

How disappointing that a supposed man who has been through how many dozens of therapy sessions on this.... pulls this out of his idiot ass.


1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

A lot of them do this to avoid dealing with "too much talking". If he had been upfront about not liking the meal the 1st time you made it, you probably would have talked about it and asked questions which he doesnt want to be bothered with

Men dont like to be bothered with anything. The upfront ones will say things in a mean way to hurt you like I hate your food/your cooking sucks even if its just one meal that they dont like whereas the meek ones will keep their comments to themselves thinking that they are preserving you. Its because they only use truth to hurt you or when it benefits them