SD pointed out something to DH
While SD isnt' the sharpest tool in the shed..she can be observant of people's behavior. (Personally I think this is in response to having to manage Beaver so she has had to learn to read people).
The other day we (me, DH, SD and her friend) were on the way somewhere I was dealing with a load of horrible drivers. I was muttering about being on the highway and only driving 50 miles per hour...the speed limit was 70. I was irritated as I drive like a bat out of hell on a good day. (My defense..I learned to drive in the Windy City....we all drive about 90 and tailgate the whole way).
DH decided it would be a good time to make fun of me and include SD in the shennanigans. At first I laughed just to keep the peace but DH kept hamming the comment home....then said..oh eff this...I told DH to stop and that it hurt my feelings. It wasn't funny and I didn't appreciate it.
DH got all butt hurt and did his usual..
"I'm sorry..I didn't mean anything"...mmmkay DH stil hurt my feelings and I told him to just leave me alone for a bit.
DH cannot leave you alone..he figured he said sorry it's over. SMH...it does work that way.
So..since I didn't immediately become joyfull again....I was treated to DH's usual mo..
"I said I was sorry can you drop if"
"Oh look now our day is ruined..I said I was sorry"
"I'm the worst..I know"
UGH......I had enough and told him to just stop and leave me alone. DH is a grade A boundry stomper..let me tell ya.
So we got home and I went about my day doing other stuff and leaving DH alone. DH had to SD to to work and on the way SD apparently told him...
Dad...halo told you she was upset. Yes, you apologized but that doesn't mean she just automatically forgets and moves on . Stop telling her to drop it or make yourself the victim. You invaildate her when you do that. Halo will get over things way faster if just stop doing that crappy behavior. You hurt her feelings...so just stop pestering her.
DH then came home and asked me about that. I confirmed that yes...he invalidates me and then tries to manipulate me. I don't apprecaite it and I hurts our ability to communicate and be close. I told DH..you really need to figure out why you take my getting upset over something is always an ATTACK on you. It wasn't an attack..I just told you your comments hurt my feelings and I don't appreciate everything being percieved as an attack. I also didn't appreciate the maniuplation he tries..and then pointed out..that is the shiznit your MOTHER does to you and you hate it.
Dh had to sit with that awhile and came back and said..
"You and SD are right..I do those things. I'm sorry..I'm working on it...I don't know why I do those things."
We then had a conversation about why it hurt my feelings and how he can better respond. I did tell DH..look this is better as before we never would have been able to have even a conversation. You would have already stonewalled me by saying..."I'm the worst...and whatever you say Halo" and/or my favorite line "Your just trying to fight with me." So we are making progress...
So...I was impressed by the fact that SD noticed and by the fact that DH didn't just dismiss what SD said.
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Comments
It's good it got connected to
It's good it got connected to his own mother and that he hates it. This will be a challenging thing to stop doing (life long habit) but now you can just reply next time " ok DH's mom name". That's what I do when DH start acting like the in-laws. I don't (hardly) use it anymore but it is code for you're doing it again go check yourself. It's even more intriguing that SD called him out on it. Sounds like he's trainable. *yes3*
There is hope for that kid!
There is hope for that kid!
There is hope
Im at this point with Husband, however there is no desire for change at this point, however things are being discussed and brought out on my end.
Many changes this year!
Dh is at least very interested in changing...
he realizes that either he changes or he is alone. Period
That's progress!
Well hey, that is progrss! I'm glad he is finally seeing the error of his ways. Maybe the SD is seeing herself in you, and remembering how it felt when DH treated her that way?
It's good to know that it's
It's good to know that it's fairly "normal" for other women to deal with this crap. For some reason (I have theories) my partner of 4 years treats any sharing of my feelings with him as an attack. He thinks I'm telling him he's FAILED me so he goes on a full defensive.
Add to that, he will deny saying things and then embellish what I say to make it extreme.
Example: Me - "BF, I am concerned and feel hurt because you said one thing and did another."
BF - "I never said that one thing. It doesn't even sound like me. I think you're perception/memory is mistaken and you're basically calling me a liar."
I have never met someone with such a knee jerk reaction to even a whisper that he might be TO BLAME! Being to blame is a huge trigger for him. LOL Even when I'm not blaming, he says "I won't cop to that."
I don't know who hurt him but from what I've read, it's a mother wound. He didn't get much nurturing as a child and his father was a hothead who left when he was a teen.
Anyway, I'm GLAD your SD called him out on it. My "SD" (we're not married) confided in me that she knows he's not easy to live with. He mostly is, but you don't want to be in an argument with him. He's smart as hell and uses a lot of manipulative tactics to get the conversation OFF of him and onto what's "wrong" with me. I understand it because I used to use those tactics, too. But I grew up and learned better.
I hope this revelation of his leads to better behavior in the future.
This thread makes me feel better too.
This thread makes me feel better too. My DH also has a difficult time accepting anything he percieves as "blame." We had a horrible wind last night and the glass table on the back porch turned over and the glass shattered. It turned over because he never took the umbrella down for the winter - which I had asked him to do. I hear him muttering to himself something about "this house" - as if the angle of the house had something to do with the table tipping over. The simple truth is he should have taken down the umbrella and did not.
The "mother wound" is an intrigueing idea - it could also apply to him. Thanks!
A SM's life is already hard
A SM's life is already hard enough. For a partner to mock or make fun of us in front of skids can send the message we're not worthy of respect. Your DH was fine with putting on a little triangulation show against you, but not so fine with being put in check in front of that same audience. Poor baby. How great that your SD had your back - it seldom happens, but in your case her words carried the most weight. Good to see a win for Halo!
Old habits are hard to break,
Old habits are hard to break, but it's good that he's aware and trying.
My DH has the habit of "I know you are but what am I-ing" whenever he feels insulted. It's annoying and very unsexy, and I tell him every time. If I'm really annoyed I ask him if he's five. He doesn't do it as much as he used to.
I used to think it's because he lived with npd Satan, but the more time I spend with FIL I realize where it came from.
A step advocating for a
A step advocating for a stepparent to their bioparent! Wow....This is stuff that you only see in movies! If you didnt write it here, i wouldnt believe such thing exists
Well i am happy for you that your SD is understanding of your feelings and wants her father to understand you and treat you nicely
My SSs hate when my husband is nice to me and love when he hurts my feelings/yells at me/treats me poorly
They have even gone as far as telling my husband that he should meet other ppl etc etc
I dont matter to them and they dont matter to me...Consider yourself lucky with such a SD. That is probably the best you can get in a step situation
A step advocating for a
Dp