My situation is a little different. Yes my SD and I have something close to a mother daughter relationship. She hugs me and tells me she loves me all the time. She lives with us 100% of the time and never sees BM. BM doesnt talk bad about me to SD either which helps. She wants me rasing her daughter because she sure in the hell can't do it. Stick it out. I hope she comes around.

Uhm...yes my SS 'engages' me so to speak...but most of the time it's because his father tells him too, which I despise. If DH didn't say anything to him, he'd ignore me most of the time..unless of course I bought him something, or told him we were having a movie night or something of that nature...then I'm ok to talk to/hug.

Yep, I get full hug, interface and engagment participation from my Skid (SS-18) and have since he was 1yo.

I am the custodial StepDad.

After all, he wants to eat. }:)

Best regards,

in my case the skids ignored me all the time...and of course H never said a word because I was supposed to try to have a relationship with them..eventhoug they didn't acknowledge my existance...if i got home from work and i said "hi" you could only hear the ckickets!!...and after my DH an I got into an argument about their behaviour (them ignoring me and my 4 month old) and they trashing and disrespecting our home it got worse! they didn't even looked at me or my baby..and of course my H also did the same..so after a whole month of being ignored they moved out with my H...I do miss him, but i do not miss them, and because of the fact that my H acted like an idiot (and still is) I can't be more happy that ALL of them are gone....

Nope mine don;t say a word to me unless I say something to them. I don;t care really. I don;t do anything for them anyway, I am the type to hold your hand to do your day to day things especially if you old enough to talk and do it yourself. I mean if you can talk you can say "i'm hungry" right? I won't let a kid not eat if they say they are hungry. But my skids are teens and can do it themselves. especially if they don;t want to ahve anything to do with me. I will not seek them out and have them do things like a 2 year old oh wait even a 2 year old will tell you they are hungry!

SD engages me, but SS does not. SD will come to me with problems asking for my help and has told me that she loves me. SS does everything in his power to try and get me to leave.

SS engages me if dh tells him he has to. Sad, after he lived with us for almost 8 years-he stopped acknowledging me after he moved in with bm a few years ago.

They speak when they walk into our house and they say goodbye when they leave....only because I insist upon this small courtesy from everyone who comes into my home.

When they need something (when DH is not around) they ask. Other that that, I don't exist. Interestingly enough, it doesn't bother me much.

nothing on my end. they don't talk to me and i don't generally talk to them. i have disengaged. they didn't talk to me before so it was really easy to quit doing everything nice for them. there would be a general thanks for food, but nothing direct. the one time DH said thank dakota for supper it was like pulling teeth to get a thanks dakota not just thanks as they buzz past to return to computer/video games. i'm trying to engage more with ss17 now but not sure how that'll go....

When my SS was younger he always engaged with me, gave me hugs and told me he loved me. After drinking too much of the PAS koolaid, SS withdrew from me in his early teen years. After alot of drama I completely disengaged from SS when he was about 16. I didn't speak to him for almost 2 years. He turned 18 this summer and has been working hard to repair the relationships that were damaged. We talk and laugh together now, but it's not quite the same as it used to be. I did get a hug at SS's high school graduation this year, but I can't remember the last time either of us said "I love you".

****I can't remember the last time either of us said "I love you".*****
that just seems weird to me, there is NOOOOOOO way i would say that to my skids - i don't even say I LIKE YOU!!

They do, how much depends on which one we're talking about.

FSS11 is friendly, says hello, chats to me about his games and legos or calls attention over if he wants to show me something on the Wii. He isn't very huggy - which is fine, he's an 11 year old boy so I figure that's pretty normal. He doesn't ask for a whole lot from me but that's because he's old enough to get his own drinks, snacks, etc. on his own and anything permission-wise he asks he knows it's up to his dad.

FSD9 usually engages. She's got one of those personalities that can be pretty up and down but she's usually pretty chatty and friendly. She'll talk about what she's been up to, her friends, her school, American Girl dolls, etc. She's also not very huggy but I think that's largely personality, too - she hugs FH when we pick them up and say goodbye and maybe a couple random times throughout visits, but she isn't one to really hang all over anyone. Like FSS11 she's pretty self-sufficient and has no problems getting simple things for herself.

FSS7 always wants to talk or show you things on his games and/or his lego creations. He colours with me and last visit asked to sit on my lap so we could colour together. On occasion he's held my hand when we're out walking. He'll give hugs goodbye and loves to give high-fives. He sometimes will ask me to get drinks or snacks for him, but that's usually if I'm in the kitchen doing something anyway. If no one's there he can generally do it himself, though I prefer to get snacks for him sometimes because it means the difference between him eating a bag of popcorn before dinner and eating a little bowl of grapes.

FSD4 is a doll and pretty much loves everyone. She gives hugs all the time and sits on your lap and holds hands. She's comfortable with me picking her up to carry her or play with her and likes when I help her "jump really high" - which basically means she jumps and I grab her and lift her up higher. Last visit she started giving me kisses which was very sweet. She also likes to chat, colour and tell me about what she's playing with her toys. She comes up and says she's hungry if she wants a snack and I'll grab it for her, or she'll ask for help with one of her kid games on the computer. I'll also help her change (she knows how but can be easily distracted sometimes) and I've helped her take a bath and brush her teeth before.

FSS18 months is pretty easy going. He's a toddler so he doesn't do a whole lot of chatting but he lets me hold him and change his clothes with no problems. He's pretty agreeable and is content to just wander and explore. We have to keep an eye on him, of course, but he's a pretty laidback toddler.

I think there's a pretty direct link between how young they are and how much they want to hang all over you, which seems normal IMO. I also encourage a lot of these behaviours because they're good kids and I like them so I have no reason not to.

SS 17, engages me so much that I have to sometimes run from a room if I hear him coming. I know that is horrible, but good night the boy can talk. And talk, and talk, and talk.

And it is ALWAYS about him. I am tired of having 30 minute conversations about his hair, or his clothes, or his GF, or lack there of. And at least 70 percent of what he talks about is made up or plain lies. It is so annoying.

It has gotten so bad, that I have thrown full plates of food away and gone to bed, because he will not shut up. That really does sound bad, but you would just have to listen to one conversation and you would know what I mean.

We are custodial, so I am with them all the time.

But they are teenagers. So they "engage me" mostly when they need something. Same with my bios.

it sounds like some skids are really lovely and its so nice to hear.

i hope that my skids actually start to chat more.. sometimes they do and tell me a story or something thats happened at school..but honeslty its because there dad sat them down and pretty much made them talk to me. makes me feel like crap and hurts alot..

they are all over him all the time and i just get to sit on the couch.. fun

SD does not engage with me at all, in fact she makes quite an effort to be sure to ignore me.

If I initiate (and being every optomistic, I do try) she will begrudgingly respond with a hello or good-bye. If I ask her a question she responds to DH, even when he corrects her. She will not make eye contact with me. She often leaves the room if I'm in it.

Her newest thing is to not eat anything I offer her at dinner and then seconds later ask her dad to serve it to her. WHATEVER! She won't ask me to pass things at the table - she'd rather go without. She will wait until I leave the kitchen before she'll sneak in to get a drink or snack.

It's no wonder I feel like such a monster!

SD17 is actively hostile toward me. So even if her father tells her to her face to greet me upon entering the house, she will not. If he goes so far as to push it when we are face to face, a giant fight ensues. So he's given up. SD17 will be nastily rude toward me, like the time he told her to say hello to me upon entering our house and she said, from where her head was buried in the refrigerator, "Why, SHE didn't say hello to me." And I said, "Are you really going to start things as soon as you arrive?" And she put her hand up in my face behind the refrigerator door, where her father couldn't see it. Brat!

The last time SD17 came for a visit, DH warned her in the car on the way to our house that she was to be civil to me. That turned into a raging battle in front of our BD6 (who was in the car with them). SD17 said many nasty things about me, which really hurt BD6's feelings, then called her mom to come get her. She hasn't been back since, and if I have my way she won't be again.

SS will usually say "hi" or "bye". We (SS and I) go through stages...from playing catch in the backyard and laughing together to him grunting at me when I speak to him...it's all over the place. SD is more even with her ability to ignore me. I always try to say "good morning" to each kid when I pick them up to take them to school...just this morning..I got the grunt from SD. If I am getting grunted at...that's the extent of the conversation. If they are willing to engage in actual words with me...we can have a nice conversation. I could probably count on one hand how many times they have hugged me (after being in thier lives for 10 years) and it's generally after DH says "hey...wriggsy has made your favorite meal for dinner...I think you need to give her a hug"...or something similar to that. Never had either of them given me a kiss or heard them say "I love you" (but I do have a Mother's Day card from just this year that both skids signed "I love you". I take it out often to remind myself that a relationship is still possible!!)