I am on my second marriage, but am a first time SP. I met my H about 7.5 years ago when I was single and childless and at that time actually REFUSED to date him because I was really up-front about not dating men with children. We remained in touch and reconnected and began dating about 5 years ago after I'd already had a child of my own. I made it clear from the start that my BS, who was only 1yo at the time and I were a "package deal", and that especially because my BS did not have a father in his life, whoever was with me would have to be willing to assume the role of "Dad" for my child.

My H's children are a different story. SS's BM had abandoned SS in H's custody at 9mos, so H had always had full physical custody of SS. While SS would ocassionally visit his BM & talk to her, she never paid CS and was never really a "mother". However, since SS was already 14yo and very accustomed to the way he was being raised by H (which H admitted was "guilty parenting" to overcompensate for SS's BM's absence), there was really no room for me to assume the "mother" role for SS the way H assumed the father role for my BS. SD, on the other hand, lived with her mother, but spent eow and some time or whole summers with H when he was working out of town or from his home. When SD was younger (before she started school) H had her more than BM, who actually moved out of town at one point and left SD with H for over 6 months so BM could go to school (which she's supposedly been doing off and on ever since but still hasn't graduated.) Again, in the case of SD H admits to "guilty parenting" to overcompensate for an inattentive, selfish parenting BM. However, as SD was already 8yo when we go together she was also already accustomed to H's "guilty" parenting style, and already had a mother in her life (albeit maybe not the best one), so again there was no room for me to be her "mother" either.

Where the dynamic gets tense is that H and I already have our own marital problems with finances (#1 cause for divorce) among other things. Couple that with "guilty" parenting and preferential treatment of SCs and then strict, disciplinary parenting of BSs "because they have the benefit of two parents with them in the home everyday" (more like a "punishment" in my opinion), and you end up with the #1 cause for divorce in second and subsequent marriages: blended family issues.

H and I are going to see a counselor to try to work these issues out, but I also need to see how other people have dealt with similar issues (i.e. through disengaging from SCs, marital counseling, or separation/divorce, etc.) and sometimes just simply vent my frustrations with the situation so that I don't end up taking it out on the innocents (like the SCs), so that is why I'm glad I found and can come to Step-Talk.

How about you?