o/t - dh scares me
oh my gosh. just had a huge blowout with dh over how I parked my car crooked and he almost hit it.
He was leaving for work and I parked behind my mom kinda crooked - didnt think it was that bad - and was going to tell him to watch out but i forgot when i came in because my mom started talking to me. he leaves for work. my mom and me are in the kitchen, he runs back in the house and said "get your butt over here" i didnt hear exactly what he said and didnt think he was talking to ME like that. my mom even said that. he repeated himself and got in the car. he said when i got out there "what the fuck is wrong with you parking like that?" I said "dont talk to me like that" and i was walking to my car he said"get back over here" i said "NO" and drove around the block for a few minutes waiting for him to go to work. well apparently he was around the block or something and pulled in the drive way right behind me. I was about to walk in the house and he said "that was very childish of you leaving like that!" i said "well dont cuss at me and then next time you will get a better response!" he still continued on how it was so STUPID that i parked like that and he almost hit it and that I pulled a BM (his freakin ex, seriously dont compare me to her) move by leaving like that.
I said just go to work and I just walked back in the house. he walked in and my mom was sitting on the couch and he started saying "why did you walk away!?" I said "to let you cool off" then he said something else and then I just broke down and started crying. He was saying all this stuff in front of my mother. She opened her mouth (and she regrets it now after we talked) and said "you shouldnt of talked to her like that!" then dh said something and then accidently broke the freakin screen door handle and left.
I broke down and told my mom all about his anger issues. She said "i tried imagining getting so mad for you parking crooked like that, and i cant imagine it. I would be angry, but I wouldnt talk like you like that" He's always had a short temper, and he had some DV with bm about 8 years ago, but he got help and went to anger management and they stayed together for a few years after that. But to just get SOOO angry. I understand that he was mad that I parked like that, and I said I was sorry. but to get angry to cuss and make a scene outside and even in front of my own mother.
I dont know what to do. I think we need marriage counseling. We've been having some problems anyway, but still. I feel so lost right now 
It feels shitty to need marriage counseling after being married for only 8 months but something has to change. me walking away when he gets angry (and he knows that thats what I'll do when he talks to me like that, to let him cool down) obviously did not work the 2 times I tried just now. and now hes going to be even more mad at my mom after she said that. about a month ago, she said something to dh about it was his turn to watch sd, because she had been watching her all day. she didnt say it in a mean way, but he took it to heart and ever since then has been very cold to her. only recently was he starting to ease up and actually talk to her more. He holds onto his anger and doesn't let things go. He needs more help.
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We already live with my mom
We already live with my mom right now, and honestly I would like it to stay that way for a while. Just in case if things go south, I wont be out in the cold somewhere...
Agreed. No marital
Agreed. No marital counseling until he works on his anger management issues. Any therapist would tell you the same.
I have to say I am afraid for
I have to say I am afraid for you there are serious RED FLAGS with this posting...
1. Extreme anger over a relatively minor issue
2. Arguing, cussing and dressing you down in front of others, not to mention your mother - BTW, my mom lives with us - DH & I never argue in front of her or the kids though there may be frostyness at times there is never any discussion & certainly not yelling
3. He is already comparing you to his Ex whom he beat...
At the very least insist on serious changes, if not for yourself - what happens when he's so mad he beats your mother.
I would seriously hope you would run & duck for cover. Please if you don't make him leave come up with an exit plan for just in case.
My house is a perfect map of
My house is a perfect map of my relationship. There is the remote control sized dent in our living room wall where the controller was launched from one side of the room to the other. There is a cupboard that now has a window in it (or a big old hole before I sanded it down.) where a certain partner kicked it in. There is also a door that can't stay shut because the same partner slammed it and bent the hinge off. My husband and I have had some massive arguments that started over something small and escalated because he would completely overreact. Even if he was justified to begin with (and sometimes he was) his reaction was so over the line that the original problem (his problem) never got sorted and would come up again anyway.
Its not okay for anyone to talk to you like that, and in a quiet and calm setting you need to tell him so. There are underlying problems and the way he is choosing to deal with them is making them harder to solve. My mother once heard us argue about pot plants (Yup. Pot plants.)and was gobsmacked that he would talk to me the way he did. He was aggressive and disrespectful. Absolutely goddam horrid. It wasn't resolved until I did two things:
1. After things had cooled down, I apologised. I told him I was sorry I over watered the pot plants and got water on the floor. I know its annoying because I do just pour the water in really quickly and I know alot gets on the floor. I couldn't be bothered to clean it up so i just leave it there. Its annoying, so, yeah, I am sorry.
2. Now that he felt vindicated, I could talk to him. I held his hand and told him I loved him, and that he doesn't need to kick off over such a small issue. If he just asked, I'd clean it up. I can't, and won't, live with someone who talks to me like that. The yelling makes me feel scared, like a little child. I felt bullied, and was shaken for hours afterwards. I told him that I was scared he would accidentally hit me one day, because he seemed so out of control. I said I wouldn't continue the relationship unless he saw a professional for his anger issues. There was a bigger issue here (we both know its not about pot plants) and I asked a really important question. Are you ok?
I know it sounds like total doormat behaviour, and its hard to care about his feeling when he is acting like a complete ASS, but he was showing signs that he wasn't coping. Men are different and where women get teary and emotional, men get angry. You said had been having issues so maybe its time you looked into a good counsellor to help you out. (My husband and I nearly got divorced at 8 months so you're doing fine! Its very normal to have these issues in any marriage early on, so don't worry.)
If you are feeling genuinely unsafe (you know your husband well enough to answer that) then put yourself first and remove yourself from a dangerous situation. If that's the case- GET OUT.
I hope this helps. Nothing justifies this treatment, but first you have to get him to a place where he can't justify the behaviour. If you acknowledge his original issue (the parking) and resolve it for him, you put him in a corner where he has to acknowledge his temper. Thats the first step. Force him to deal with it.
Hope this is useful! If you have any comments contact me on the site below, I was in a similar situation once, and would love to help you out with yours if I can.
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com
Every day I have to go
Every day I have to go through a door that I tried to lock during a fight but H came barreling through like a bull. Instead of replacing it (would take away from the beer fund), he has "fixed" it. So, every day I go through a door that is more like a bunch of big splinters screwed together and am reminded of my fear that night.
You know as well as the rest of us that this is no way to live. Please do what you need to for yourself.
KICK HIM OUT!!!!!!!!!!! did
KICK HIM OUT!!!!!!!!!!! did this for 20 years YOU CAN NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! MY EX will not call a truce-has ANGER ISSUES-they like to fight!! period and spread their crappy attitudes
Oh man, this sounds like an
Oh man, this sounds like an ex i had as well... and i am so glad that he IS my ex! My DH would never speak to me like that, he has never raised his voice at me, and while he swears some times, they are never directed at me. This isnt normal behavior, and I agree with the advice above. Good luck, and DO NOT let this continue in the same way, it will not get better until the root cause is solved. Keep us updated and hugs!!
My DH has anger problems like
My DH has anger problems like that too. He rarely ever gets angry at me, but he gets angry over stupid things (like the printer not working or other silly things) and would throw them or smash them when he reaches his limit. I try to leave the room and wait for the storm to blow over.
It reached a limit last year when he was under a lot of stress (work, BM, SD, etc) and he finally took his anger out on me. He got overly mad at me for something fairly minor, and then physically grabbed my blackberry and smashed it, then smashed my bedside lamp and the bedroom door. I was so scared he'd destroy the rest of the house that I grabbed his cell phone and called 911. He got into a bit of trouble for that. He was even more angry at me for getting him in trouble, but amazingly it worked out in the end.
We went to marriage counseling to try to get the charges dropped (he didn't believe he really had a problem) but the counseling really saved us. He learned that I have a low tolerance for shouting/acting out since I've never been around that in my life, and I learned that our marriage won't end instantly even if he gets so angry and says things like "we're over".
In the last year, DH still gets angry, but hasn't thrown or broken a thing. In fact, he rarely gets as angry over the stupid things anymore. It helps that BM no longer contacts him and SD is even staying away. I'm not sure if the fear of going to jail for a second incident has helped too, but I don't feel nearly as worried about him being a ticking time bomb anymore.
It might take something drastic to help, but it is possible. Don't be worried that it has been only 8 months too. This didn't happen until a year and a half into our marriage, but I did seek advice from divorce attorneys only 6 months into our marriage when he really started acting out. It never hurts to know all your options.
Ok, here's the blunt truth.
Ok, here's the blunt truth. Your husband is an abuser-he has a 98 or more percent chance of never changing even with treatment.
Marriage counseling will further destroy your marrige, anger management will show him how to be passive agressive-he needs a program for abusers-period. Most won't attend it's too time consuming-most don't change because it's not abotu changing their reactions but their entire world view/mindset/thought process-NOT an easy task even for the willing!
Call your local DV center and ask about getting a protection order.
Go to the library asap and pick up a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that"....you should run NOW-if he has no issue being abusive in front of your parents then he's one of the really bad cases. Your life will get worse, it will eat at your soul till you have nothing left. You will be dead inside, trust me. 8 years married to a man like this (I have 2 children)....take a look around at women who have stayed with their abusers and see what it has done to them and their families.
You need to get out-but you need to do it safely and you need immediate counseling with an expert in DV issues.
Can I ask you-did you know about the DV issues w/his ex-wife prior to marrying him?? Either way-he will not change. Don't waste your life trying to help him and save him. Unless you want to give up your life, happiness, soul, joy, peace, wit, humor, personality and whatever makes you you...these vampires will suck you DRY. He is NOT worth it. And YOU are worth so much more then this! Sending you big hugs!!
And to all the other ladies on this thread who posted they have the same problems-GOD I hate abusers....you deserve so much more-same advice above goes for you.
Your life is NOT worht living with abuse-there is a much better, peaceful life on the other side. I PROMISE YOU THAT!
I am completely with overit2
I am completely with overit2 on this one. I've been through this before and made it out alive. This will only get worse. I know it is shocking but instead of living in the "shock", plan an exit now and make sure that your entire family is safe afterwards.
That was not an "accident" BTW with the door handle- I would bet on it even.
Good Luck- lots of wonderful people " out there" that help with DV issues and escapes.
If you are afraid of
If you are afraid of him..there is nothing left to say. This will escalate and it will get physical..you need to protect yourself..
All the best to you..take care... Z