New Stepmom
So I have just recently became a stepmom to 2 boys 8&9. I do not have any children of my own. My fiancé well his story is pretty unique, his 9 year old was from a one night deal and wound up getting her pregnant. Then his 8 year old was from him dating a girl getting her pregnant and then he married her and they were together for pretty much 6 years. Now he and I are going to be getting married next year. He is now "fixed" so us having any kids of our own is out of the question. I don't know how I feel about that honestly cause, I am being asked to raise kids that are not mine without him considering having one with me. Like I cant help that you were irresponsible when you were younger and wound up knocking two women up that you didn't want to be with. I know that this makes me sound like a crazy person. I really love and care about the boys, I just haven't been able to vent to anyone at all about this and it has really been eating me up and driving me insane . I love my fiancé and I want to spend my life with him , but I do know that I may want kids in the next couple of years. So right now I am at a stand still on what I want to do. Plus, I don't know how to be a stepparent, I don't know when to say things and when to not, I just feel like just a person that's there. I guess I'm just lost in this world that I'm in right now. So if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it...
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Welcome! Being a step-parent
Welcome!
Being a step-parent is challenging under even the best circumstances. Since you have two BM's involved, it's likely to be even more challenging than normal. I have a close friend who has been with her SO for 5 years. He has 3 kids with 2 women. One of those women is relatively easy to deal with. The other one is very difficult to deal with. She's become a Jehovah's Witness in the past few years and is pushing very hard to involve the children in the religion, which the father is not comfortable with.It's a tough situation for all involved... but, I digress!
You and your fiance should have a conversation about what your role is with the children. Does he expect you to care for them, cook for them, shop for them, discipline them, etc? Is he going to back you up 100% when you do discipline them? In our family, what SO and I say goes. If SO disciplined BD8 and I disagreed with him, I would bring it up to him privately. We are always a united front with the kids.
Regarding having your own children, that is a conversation that you need to have before you get married. If he absolutely does not want more children and you think that you may, then you need to get that hammered out in your mind. Personally, I wouldn't have given up my dream of being a mother because someone else didn't know what a condom was during a one night stand. Vasectomies can be reversed. If he isn't willing to do that then he may not be the right guy for you. I don't know how old you are, but I guarantee that if you are young then you are going to resent this man for wanting you to raise his kids while denying you one of your own!
You don't sound crazy.
You don't sound crazy. Wanting kids & the other person not wanting more, is a deal breaker. Do NOT give that up for anyone EVER. Ask if he'll ever get it reversed, if the answer is no or I don't know, walk away. Love does not equal a happy life. A happy life is full of what you want for your life & you want children. His children will NEVER fill that role for you. If he says no to reversal, tell him you want a child of your own & you'd like to do IVF then with a doners sperm (ET fix error that said diners ssperm, lol) at some point in the future. His response to that, will tell you all you need to know on whether he's willing to have more children or if he's willing to take care of another mans child. Please do NOT compromise on this. You'll resent the lot of them.
Thanks for all the advice so
Thanks for all the advice so far. I do cook, clean , and take care of the children since it is summer they have been staying with me during the day every other week cause he has them 7 on and 7 off. The first ex wife has not and I don't think ever will have problems with. But his most recent ex wife I know that I am going to have problems with her. I have never actually talked to either of the ex wives and unless it has anything to do with the boys I want to keep it that way . As far as the us having a baby together we have talked about it but nothing has been set in stone, he says that he wouldn't mind getting it reversed for us to have a child together but I also don't want him to just be saying that just to get me to marry him either. I trust that he wouldn't do that to me and that he would bee 110% honest with me but sometimes I wonder. I do agree just because he didn't wear a condom with his ex's doesn't mean I should suffer from his lack of being a responsible adult. I am 27 y/o so I am to age in my life either I need to start getting serious about children or just come to terms that I will never have any.
He's 33, I was always taught
He's 33, I was always taught to not ever place judgment on people. I was brought up by my stepdad he was the person I looked up to most in my life. My mother and him never had children together... I applaud you for having a child at 34 and your friend at 40 I have always said if I didn't have any by 30 I don't know if I really want to have any children of my own . My mom adores him but she is also the one that taught me in life never to judge someone on their past . Hes a good man just made some poor choices in his mid 20s. Which where I am from , I am what you would call a unicorn lol. I am 27 no kids and successful, most people woman my age are your typical sterotype, of barefoot and pregnant with 3-4+ kids.
Most people your age are not
Most people your age are not your typical 3-4 kids barefoot and pregnant. In fact the percentage of teenage mothers is decreasing and the people who are deciding to have kids are in thier mid to late 30's.
And when it came to the men who I decided to father my children, I was very picky. My first husband is a good father who is extremely successful and wanted kids. More then I did in fact.
My second is a very good looking and successful guy, who actually has a productive professional (bitchy, controlling) exwife.
I have seen some young ladies who wanted a child so badly with a particular man, even with all of the red flags, that they became single mothers.
Having kids really limits your life. It is expensive, time consuming, and limits your time with your dh. I wish you the best, but my best advice is to wait until you can really live your youth out more on your terms. If he doesn't want kids in 5 or 10 years, then he has to know that your Childfree self will walk out the door.
Another thing, don't watch his kids if he is working, you will grow to resent them and your dh. He needs daycare or their moms need to watch them.
Oh Harris, have I got stories
Oh Harris, have I got stories for you! I came into a relationship with my DH about the same exact way as you! SD was 9 (from BM1.. a couple romps in the hay that went terribly wrong) and SS was 8 (from BM2 who DH dated, but never married)
I was like Carol Brady... I thought I could love skids like my own (I didn't have any kids) I just assumed I could be friendly with BMs.. after all I get along with everyone! I quickly learned that both BMs are POS losers, but that was OK, I thought I could make up for their shittiness by being super awesome SM to skids. Only to have skids turn on me. They stole from me, had zero respect for me, told lies about me and were just assholes in general.
Well all of that was almost 10 years ago and I wish I knew about this site then. What a freaking roller coaster it has been! Skids are 18 and 17 now, both are severely fucked up from years of PAS and crappy parenting. When SD was 14 the unthinkable happened and she asked to move in with us (I say unthinkable because it was a scenario that I had never thought about happening) She was with us for almost 2 years and I am surprised that DH and I marriage made it through those 2 years. It was a nightmare to say the least. There were a couple of times that I was actually looking for apartments to rent. Yep, was willing to walk away from my $250,000 home, my horses, my dreams, my husband, because I could not take the crazy anymore.
SD18 ended up moving with DH's Aunt a few states away and guess what? Magically our marriage repaired itself! We are back to never fighting and having a happy home. SS17 hasn't really cared about DH for a few years now, so DH only really talks to him at Christmas and Birthday time so that SS can get his goodies and skulk off back to BMs to smoke dope and play Xbox. I haven't seen SS in almost a year now, which is fine by me. SD18 and I are slowly trying to repair our (lack of) relationship, but I don't know if it will every be good... because she is who she is.. she still lies, manipulates, steals and has no empathy for anyone but herself. She's just not really a nice person in general and I don't see that changing.
The only difference in the start of our stories is that DH was not fixed and we had BS6 together. He is the light of our lives and HE is what held that thin thread of our marriage together during that 2 years of SD hell.
I don't know girl, I hate to tell people to run, but if you are already feeling even the slightest bit of resentment about not being able to have a child of your own, but expected to raise someone else's children.. I can tell you it's most likely only going to grow and fester... ESPECIALLY when those boys get to be teenagers and start raising hell.