Do you say anything or let it go? *Not SKid Related for once*
I hope this is OK to post here - I find that you ladies/men are very responsive and have great points of view when it comes to various topics.
Here is the situation, there is a family member who apparently did inappropriate sexual things to one of my siblings when they were younger. I found out about this a few weeks ago and mentioned it to DH. This family member has been in my life maybe 6 or 7 times in the last 12 years, DH has met this person ONCE. This person has immediately been crossed off of the christening list, etc, ANYTHING that has to do with us or our son (who is due to arrive within the next 2 weeks! 
). This family member is a GRANDPARENT of mine, a GRANDPARENT to my sibling. So I do know that my father will want to know why his MOTHER is NOT invited to all of these festivities, etc. My parents were both well aware of what happened, when it did happen (22+ years ago) my mother cut off all 'alone time' of us with her. We would still see her on occassion but my mother never let her have us alone. My father on the other hand when he was approached by family has said 'my mother can do no wrong'. Apparently, he sees nothing inappropriate about what happened. Which leads me to believe the same may or may not have happened to him.
My father is unaware that I know this happened. I do NOT want to start a war with my father (who we have a shaky relationship at best) BUT I do NOT want this woman around my son either. Also, I do NOT want to say anything to my sibling, but I can't imagine that they would NEVER forgive me for knowing and NOT saying anything...
What to do........ :?
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I say, simply remove that
I say, simply remove that person from the equation and when/if asked why they are not present give a vague and non commital response. It is the responsibility of your sibling to come forth with any additional information if he/she so chooses.
HeadOverHeels, This is your
HeadOverHeels,
This is your child and if you don't look out for your child, who will? I do not know what it was that happened to your sibling, but it appears bad enough that you, your mother and your sibling are very uncomfortable about what happened. I feel if you approached your sibling about what happened and the reason why you're not inviting your grandmother, then your sibling would know you are sticking up for him. (I am just assuming a him.) At least you would have your sibling, your mother and your husband on your side. We all love our parents, but we love our children more. As I said in the beginning, if we don't look out for our children, who will? I understand you don't want to start a war with your father, but hopefully, if you explain to your father that you love him and you know it hurts him that you feel this way about your grandmother, but it's not a reflection on him. Generally, children will love their parents no matter what. Your father may deny what happened out of reason for being embarrassed. Sometimes people will go to the extreme opposite of reality, such as saying his mother '...can do no wrong.' The truth can be too painful, so he paints an opposite picture of her to make himself feel better and rationalize his love for her. It's kind of like an abused woman saying, "But he loves me and he provides for us." Additionally, you can tell your father that you know what happened 22 yrs. ago, you're not comfortable with it and you'd prefer to handle it this way rather than making a scene on a day that is suppose to be special. Go with your gut!
You control who has access to
You control who has access to your children. I think your mother handled it perfectly. No alone time under any circumstances.
How many times will you really see this family member in the future? You have only seen her 6 or 7 times in 12 years. That's once every two years.
Is your sibling requesting you to have the molester, I mean the family member removed? Talk to your sibling about how they feel about it. Let them know that their feelings matter very much to you and you do not want to put them in a position where they feel unwelcome. Then when they say that they would feel more comfortable with the Person not showing up...don't invite them.
I wasn't clear before.. My
I wasn't clear before.. My sibling was an infant/toddler when this happened.. He has NO IDEA these things happened to him. He sees her MUCH more frequently than I do... Do you say anything to your sibling? Or let him be in her presence unknowingly of what happened?
I don't want to rock his world but I don't want to withhold this from him because I care that much about him. ignorance may be bliss - but I can't imagine the hurt I would feel if I was in his shoes and around this person, also knowing my siblings/some family knew and no one told me...
Would you say anything to your sibling?
The issue with my father, we will cross that bridge when we come to it, my DH and I have already agreed on that
TIA
If your sibling has no idea
If your sibling has no idea it happened I wouldn't bring it up to your sibling. No need to cause a wound where none exists. I'd watch your child like a hawk when your relative is around and I'd have very limited contact with her. You have to watch out for your child
Oh, I see! I wondered what
Oh, I see! I wondered what his age was when this happened. I see your point about not telling him, however, will he have kids of his own some day? Maybe you only know this because your mother felt it was important (I assume your mother told you) bc you're now having a child and she doesn't want anything like that happening to your son. Or do you think your mother is waiting for your brother to have children before she tells him? I think it may be better handled by your mother because he may feel like "everyone knows but me." Maybe your mother is waiting for the grandmother to pass away and then it's no longer an immediate issue and it becomes an "ignorance is bliss" situation? I think your brother should find out from your mother. Then he can ask her all the questions and try to wrap his brain around it. If you believe this will inevitably come out sooner rather than later, due to "why isn't Grandma invited?" It should come from your mom and if he wants to talk to you about it, then let him approach you first, unless you have the kind of relationship you feel it would be comforting to him to know you're there for him and that's why she's not invited.
I do think it will come up
I do think it will come up when he asks why our grandma isn't invited and I will probably deflect that back to him as 'ask mom' so she can talk to him. And actually I heard it from my maternal grandma who mentioned it in passing because she felt it should be a known thing to me with the baby coming. Apparently, my paternal grandma was more than willing to tell everyone what she did to my brother. My brother is young and will probably have kids - maybe that is what she is waiting for. I did mention it to DH because I was more afraid of not saying anything and possibly leaving DH and my father, SM and grandma alone and having grandma change the baby (if I took a quick shower or something) - never knowing what happened, I would never forgive myself. DH has decided since it was 'acceptable' to my father that our DS will not be left alone with my father either. I don't know what I would do if anyone ever hurt him.. And he isn't even born yet....
It sounds like an excellent
It sounds like an excellent plan!! Best wishes with your baby boy! I have two boys and it's a lot of work and a lot of fun!
A parents # 1 job is to
A parents # 1 job is to protect their child from harm. I wouldnt care what anyone said about it, the molester would not be welcome to anything where there are children involved, if anything at all. As long as you know you are protecting your child and perhaps other children from harm then so be it. Let your family say what they will; you know you are doing what it right and not just what is easy for everyone else.
Noone else matters. You dont have to explain anything to anyone. If someone questions it, say it is a personal choice and leave it at that. You are not only protecting your child but your sibling as well.