'Oh.. Headoverheels.. YOU'RE coming?!' ::sigh::
This was the start to the conversation SD7 had about me last night in front of DH and BIL. I really was astonished that after all that I have done for her and continue to do for her this is how I am treated.
For the past few months, SD7 has swim on days that DH and I have her - so we would get her showered (I would) at the facility (in her bathing suit of course - just wash her hair and get the chlorine out - help her change in to pajamas so when she got home to BM - BM wouldn't have to fight with her to take a shower) - which was well received by BM because she didn't want to do it and SD7 was pleased bc 'BM always gets soap in my eyes'... Fast forward to last week, although I hadn't really paid attention to it,
SD7 says 'You don't have to come to swim today Headoverheels, I don't need a shower'.
I said, "That's ok sweetie, DH and I really wanted to watch you swim."
SD7 - 'Ugh, OK'.
This week DH told her to get ready for swim and she came out of her room and said..
SD7 'Oh... HOH, YOU'RE coming?! ::big drawn out sigh::
Me: 'Yes, Daddy and I have somewhere to go after you are done with swimming and we drop you back by mommy'
SD7 - :eyeroll: 'But I don't need to shower after swim anymore so you don't have to come'
This all transpired in front of BIL who we all haven't seen since December, I was mortified. I would have stayed home, but DH and I had somewhere to be and we will for the next few weeks (I am 28 weeks preggers and the only night DH and I can do our OB appts together is after we drop her off) - We could feasibly waste SD7's entire afternoon with DH and drag her to these appointments, but instead we plan the day after school doing homework, playing games, etc.. Stupid SM that I am...
The entire time at swimming and in the car ride to BM's SD7 completely ignored me - once she was out of the car and we were on our way to our OB appt, DH and I spoke about it, he saw exactly what had happened and her tone and attitude and didn't want to reprimand her infront of BIL who she hasn't seen in a few months, so he will take care of it this week with her.
I just can't help but feel that I go out of my way so much for this child and she couldn't give a $h!t less. Being 7 months preggers, I have in the last 2 months, completely renovated a new room for her, painted, redid floors, bought new curtains, new bedspreads, new lighting, new fans, put up an 8 foot by 8 foot tree decal on one of her walls (which BTW took me over 5 hours to put up one day) - treat her exactly as I would my own daughter, and now this is the thanks that I get...
I am not even sure that anyone could even give any advice - or if this is turning into more of a vent.... Thanks if you made it this far...
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Comments
Maybe she is starting to get
Maybe she is starting to get aware of you being pregnant and her getting soon a sis/brother. Maybe she wants to get extra attention from her daddy
I don't see the whole "didn't
I don't see the whole "didn't want to reprimand her infront of BIL who she hasn't seen in a few months". You have to solve things right there and then with the kids. I would have asked straight up "why don't you want me to go?"...
Maybe she just doesn't want
Maybe she just doesn't want to be showered after practice? My son is that age and loathes showering. Its a daily struggle. The chlorine may make her tired and she probably just wants to go home. She knows that if only DH goes he can't go into the shower area with her and bathe her.
Still, regardless of the fact she still needs to be told that her tone is unacceptable. I agree with Gia that she should have been corrected on the spot.
I think that a lot of kids
I think that a lot of kids don't really understand what we do for them/appreciate it until they're older. I know that takes a long time
Your SD may be feeling jealous that your baby will get to have an intact family and DH 24/7 and she does not. How often do you have her? Would you and DH consider letting him have one-on-one time with SD? When the baby comes, give her things to do to help and let her know you really appreciate her help a lot, and that you, DH and the baby really miss her when she is not with you. DH should also have the same talk with her and tell her through words & actions that he loves her and the baby equally.
I don't think this should excuse her behavior, though. He does need to talk to her about her behavior and enforce consequences. He can say, "I know you're going through a lot, and I know you feel jealousy towards the baby, and that is ok. But what is not ok is the rude behavior you're exhibiting towards HOH. You don't have to love or like her, but you have to treat her with respect. You can always come talk to me about issues you are having, but you cannot treat people with disrespect."
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your bundle of joy!
I agree with Gia. Regardless of who is present, DH should have held her accountable for her attitude right when it happened. If he brings it up later, she'll have 'forgotten' about it. And she'll know that she can continue to pass off the attitude while company is present, making you feel embarrassed whenever you have a guest. Not good.
You're taking it personally.
You're taking it personally. Don't do that.
It doesn't matter if you're a step or a bio-parent, kids don't realize or appreciate what we do for them.
I don't know why we think they would. I know I had no idea the things my mom and stepdad did for me when I was a child... I'm only now realizing the extent of their love and patience.
Maybe you're reading into the child's statement: it may really be that she just didn't want to take a shower after swimming, and your coming along means, to her, that she will be showering afterward. It's simple association.
Maybe asking her to correct her tone of voice would help, but I don't think it's fair to read into a child's statement with our own adult projections.
first, congrats on your baby!
first, congrats on your baby!
okay, my exsd NEVER appreciated anything i did for her. nothing. some kids dont have that in them.
your sd is associating you with helping her shower after swim. being she doesnt want that, she is hoping that you wont go because she doesnt want to shower afterwards. it seems like a simple problem requiring a simple soultion:
dont have her shower after.
if BM gets soap in her eyes, or just refuses to make her shower while she is with BM, that isnt YOUR problem. it is BM's and sd's. you did your best.
solution 2 is, go see her swim, cheer her on, and forget the shower. if she STILL doesnt want you to attend her swim sessions, simply tell her that you are going and thats final. let her wimper and whine and ruin HER time there. dont sweat the small stuff. you seem to care so much for her and while right now it seems she couldnt give a crap, one day she might, and even if she doesnt, at least you know you did what you could do and wanted to do to show you care.
good luck!
Yes, I noticed that each time
Yes, I noticed that each time she asked if you were coming, it was ALL about the shower. It isn't you she doesn't want. She doesn't want the shower and she now associates it with you. Don't give her one. Let her mother fight with her. Just enjoy the time.