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Anyone else feel this way?

ICanMakeIt's picture

I don't know if it is the post Thanksgiving visit reflection or other life happenings but I've been feeling very much like family or the idea of family is being diminished and disregarded more and more every year by society as a whole.

People seem quicker and quicker to write others off even if they are family, which I realize in some instances is good if there are major toxic issues, but I'm talking more about trivial, inconvenient make no effort for family as if it isn't important, type incidents. 

Maybe I'm just rambling but it feels like the whole world is devolving, (I'm not a drama queen I promise). I don't think this is just step/blended related but you all have similiar expereinces and see these kids so easily write off their parents, siblings write off their siblings, etc and know all the backstories. I see it in intact families too. It's like a throw awayable society including people. 

Just want to see if I'm in a funk or if any of you see this too. Thanks for being my barometer. <3 

 

 

Comments

Lillywy00's picture

Yeah I blame the "throw awayable society" on social media, tinder, etc. 

Tired of someone...just swipe right and "eliminate" them

AlmostGone834's picture

I think it's a combination of things. People are living their lives on their own terms, and they are making their own families. We are seeing this with the rise of Friendsgiving. There's probably a lot of different reasons for the breakdown of family in our society. Women used to be the glue that held the family together, because that was really their only job. Now people are having less kids, women are working more and building careers and then, of course, divorce is no stigmatized and people who decide they want to live alone with their pets are no longer considered "weirdos". 

I also think in general people are more insufferable these days. Things like modesty, humbleness, manners, and morals have gone by the wayside. I have several extended family members that while I haven't cut them off, I don't go out of my way to see. They brag about everything from their kids to their cars and it gets tiring. People in the old days didn't do that as much and now it's everywhere. The ol' keep up with the Jonses. So yeah more people are cutting their family members off but maybe it has a little to do with the fact that people just don't treat each other very well these days.

CastleJJ's picture

I think it's a fair mix of a disposable society and newer generations setting boundaries and not allowing toxic generational patterns to continue. 

I, more recently, have identified several toxic generational patterns in a few different family members that have likely always been there, but I haven't been cognizant of until now due to having a toddler. Now, I look at these patterns and these traits as "how to I want my daughter to be raised?" and let me tell you, I'm setting boundaries up and down, even with people I am/was really close to. I can't stand the constant unsolicited advice of "well I raised you and you turned out fine" or "back in my day, we used baskets as car seats so this rear facing for 2 years is ridiculous," or forcing a hug or kiss despite my toddler adamantly refusing. I am finding that when these family members' feel their personal needs, desire, or opinions trump the needs, desires, or health and safety of my child, it's a hard stop. I have been putting boundaries in place, like DD doesn't have to give hugs or kisses if she doesn't want to and can show other kinds of affection (i.e. high five, fist bump), or if you disagree with my parenting, that's fine, but at least respect that it's my decision, etc. 

I had an instance with DD when she was 6 months old. My parents begged me to watch DD overnight while DH and I had a date night. I had pretty bad postpartum anxiety and one of my triggers was safe sleep. I was terrified of SIDS, terrified of her not breathing, etc. My only requirement for their sleepover was "No co-sleeping" which I felt was reasonable. My parents knew this. I called my Mom before DD went to bed and asked how she was doing and my Mom said "great, just getting ready to put her in her crib." The next day, I asked my Dad how it went and he said "great, she slept comfortably beside us in our bed all night." I was livid. I confronted my Mom and her response was "it wouldn't have been a big deal if you hadn't found out. DD was fine. We coslept with you kids all the time." My boundary - no more sleepovers. My DD has not slept over with anyone since that incident and she is almost 2. Maybe one day we can get there, but my Mom continues to show complete disregard for my requests and thinks she knows best despite my wishes. She won't take responsibility for her wrongdoing and just thinks I'm insane. She called me a week ago with a smirk and said "I know what I want for Christmas - a sleepover with DD, and since it's on my Christmas list, you have to honor it." NOPE. She's not going to use her "Christmas list" to manipulate me into dropping that boundary, especially when she won't acknowledge her own wrongdoing. Now she is telling all her friends that I never let her see DD, despite her visiting DD multiple times per week. 

I am finding that me putting, what I feel are reasonable boundaries, in place has caused chaos within the family. People are developing complexes, getting butthurt, trying to gaslight and manipulate, etc. The reaction comes from toxic patterns. I'm not necessarily cutting people off, just maintaining firm boundaries. 

I feel like a lot of people are doing the same in society. There are different ways of living, parenting, working, loving, being, etc. in today's world that might not have been present historically or weren't as public and I feel like if people aren't on board to respect that fact, people are going to start setting boundaries, even if it means cutting off contact or ending relationships. I think people aren't burying it and just taking it anymore. 

LittleCloud9's picture

I completely agree. 
i wonder sometimes, it seems like humanity can't do balanced. I mean it's good to learn that you need some boundaries, to recognize toxic behaviors, and at times to say no. But a lot of people seem to go to extremes. Like a toddler who just learned to say "no" and now screams it at everyone for anything. There's a time to be firm and time to be yielding but no one seems to get that anymore. Everything is becoming more polarized it feels and it shows up in family life too. It's an all or nothing mentality that drives people apart. So many are like "it's my way or nothing " and call it setting boundaries. But boundaries are about setting healthy safe limits for yourself not about controlling other people nor is it a justification for self centered behavior.

Rags's picture

Though when shit parents raise shit children, people of quality are highly likely to write the whole shit show off.

It is easy to write shit people off. That there are so many of them, is the issue IMHO.

That may just leave those that are left, that much closer. Few though they may be.

At least I hope so.

AgedOut's picture

I tend to agree with you. I think we've become a disposable society. Don't like someone, unfriend them. Don't like your family, find a new one. Don't want this or that, don't give it a fair shot, just throw it away and get a new one. Phones, cars, pets, people. All disposable now. 

And yes, there is a family break down. Some parts good like toxic family member being shut out. Some bad like finding a new x,y,z and cutting off the first one. We are no longer in it for the long haul on anything, goods, services, people.

Harry's picture

I see that in the 50,60, people didn't communicate the way they do today. You had a phone. Attached to a wall. People lived closed to each other.  Family got together on the weekends.   Also the wife was a stay at home mother.  Who did house hold thing during the week.  We went food shopping, butcher , vegetable store pork store    
Today both partners have to work. So weekends are reserved for shopping. Errands, thing that has to be done.  You have FaceTime ,texting,  you can communicate from the food store.  And couple want some entertainment, on the weekend. What ever they are into.  Leaves little time for family. So family just gets forgotten. Except this time of the year.