When freedom rings...
My DH and I play this dumb game of "When the day comes" and we are over the obligation of dealing with his HCBM what that will look like.
After years and years of him suffering at the hands of HCBM and always keeping his $hit together, never taking the bait. Never retalitating verbally (via text/email) to jabs, pokes, outright accusatory bs, etc. Never correcting her stupid bs claims, it sometimes looks like "vomiting" years worth of pent up things he has wanted to say probably via email as they don't speak on the phone or in person. She has a penchant for lying, misremembering etc. so there has been no verbal communication for double digit years.
Sometimes it looks like just blocking and never looking back. (probably the wiser choice).
She has never communicated about the kids health, other than the $$ portion. So my initial thought of not blocking because "what if" the kids got in a wreck etc. (we are long distance) but she wouldn't tell us anyway.
I know its stupid to think about but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting slightly brighter and closer and I'm thinking about our Freedom more and more lately.
Has anyone's DH gotten any "satisfaction" by finally unloading years worth of thoughts, etc?
Has anyones's DH done probably the "high road" thing and just moved on?
Our SKs are PAS in the sense they've been taught Mom's word is the final word on EVERYTHING.
I'm sure when and if they get married, it will be where she tells them, when she tells them, and probably no discussion of dad being there whatsoever so we can't really lose too much if he goes off the rails. He's just a walking wallet so there might be a chance of being "allowed" to pay for things, but no real part in their lives after the obligatory timeframe.
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My DH once told BM that when
My DH once told BM that when CS was done, so were they, that he would never need to speak to her, again, and he hasn't.
We did wonder about telling SD the truth about everything when she was 18 and emancipated, but then it just seemed like it would be a waste of energy. Slowly, over the years, when SD33 brings stuff up about her mom or the past, DH will tell her the truth. SD has figured out certain things about her mother on her own, too.
Yes, giving BM a piece of his mind was tempting but she would have enjoyed it, claiming the victim status and telling SD, "See, your dad is such a jerk," and again, waste of energy. I'm pretty sure BM has Borderline Personality Disorder, so it would not have phased her, she would have taken no responsibility, and would have just turned it around on DH.
For us, it wasn't even about taking the high road, it just wasn't worth it, nothing to be gained. BM's life is crap, that is satisfaction enough. Having BM completely out of our lives is reward enough.
We took the full fact, full confrontation path. To protect SS.
Though the SpermIdiot really was never much of a problem. He was as close to completely uninvolved as is possible without being dead. Sadly, he still walks among the living.
SpermGrandHag, on the other hand, was our particular cross to bear. It took the entire 16+ years under the CO, and several more for SS to realize that she really was the bride of Satan and the root cause of the entire festering cesspool of dysfunctional evil in the SpermClan. For years he was of the mind that if she was not involved and core to the lives of his three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas that their lives would have been worse. He was her cheerleader for sure.
We kept responding to his questions with the facts, providing him with the documented truth, and focused on setting the example of a quality family, a quality marriage between a quality mother, and a quality father (figure) who were focused on earning a quality life for the three of us.
As the shit puddle of the SpermClan shallow and polluted gene pool just kept simmering and emitting its noxious odor, he learned reality one sad eye opening event at a time.
It all came to a very sad head when SpermIdiot spawn #3 was convicted of felonious armed burglary and was hauled off to a very long prison sentence. He was ranting about the SpermIdiot and how he ruined the lives of SS's three younger half sibs. I asked one question that stopped his rant and sadly broke his heart. Not my intention but that one sentence ended 20+ years of her ability to manipulate him. "Son, who raised your siblings?"
The clarity and pain that showed on his face at that instance haunts me to this day. He knew then and unequivocally that she was the root of all SpermClan evil and had manipulated him, and created the people that his SpermIdiot and three younger half sibs turned out to be. We had never bad mouthed her or the SpermIdiot to him. We did what we could to prepare and protect him from her toxicity and give him the factual floaties to keep his head above the surface when they were trying to pull him under when he had to wallow in the SpermClan shallow and polluted gene pool during COd visitations.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. The kids need those facts to protect themselves as they grow up having to interface with a shallow and polluted end of their gene pool when forced splash around in that pool by a CO. They need the facts to be able to protect themselves from the toxic side long after they age out from the CO. These people never stop their manipulative crap. The facts let the SKids and SKidults recognize the toxicity and address it. If they choose to ever address it. If they do not have the facts, they rarely have the chance to address it.
IMHO and experience of course.
DH and I have talked about
DH and I have talked about the end of BM's reign, which is May 31, 2030 (but who's counting?) I asked DH if he would want to unload on BM for all the bullshit she has put DH and SS through, keeping them apart, refusing DH's involvement but happily accepting his money, moving states away and replacing him as "Dad" with her GF as "Mom #2," not to mention the years of verbal and mental abuse. DH said "No".
The thing is, for these women with narcissistic tendencies, they would LOVE nothing more than to get a final rise out of their ex and to know they truly won the HCBM game. DH isn't giving BM that satisfaction. He is simply going to block her and let her slip into oblivion where she belongs. DH thinks that once she realizes she is blocked and that DH had no final words for her, that will make her unravel even more. To realize she really is irrelevant to us, to DH, and that she no longer has any control; that is all the victory we need.
DH promised me a vacation once SS ages out. A very much deserved, lengthy, expensive vacation for all the crap we have put up with. And with the income we will regain from no longer paying CS, we will definitely be able to afford it.
DH took the high road with
DH took the high road with HCBM, which meant severely limiting contact and answering necessary emails generally with "yes" or "no," but not engaging like he would in the early days (it was attention for her). He was very open with the skids, though, when they (chronically) approached him about "why he left," a false narrative. I guess they wanted him to change the real story to the false one they clung to, beg for forgiveness, and run "home" to them.They'd go home and repeat what he said and she'd go nuts. Then, one day, finally, she gave up.
When she wasn't getting responses from him, she blamed me and began harassing me. When I responded, I responded in a brief, businesslike, calm, reasonable manner. Then one day she came back with a long scathing email to me, telling me that I was jealous of her and I had mental problems, among other things. That is when *I* unloaded. I did so without cursing or name calling, but I confronted her over her behavior, told her she brainwashed the skids, and ended with telling her I had better not hear from her again. Boo hoo! I was done.
Silly me hadn't thought that she would take my email and run to the skids with it, probably screaming and crying. That was all the fuel SD (who had a problem with my existence in the first place) needed. Oh well. Had I known that an honest reasonable message would "cause" ongoing bad skid feelings toward me, I would have said things much more. . . passionately.
Even SD, though drunk, once told me several years later that she understood my need to set boundaries with her mother back in the day. Then she went back to "Mommy's side" once she sobered up.
BM's reign here ended in May
BM's reign here ended in May of last year. I'm fairly certain not one word has been exchanged since YSD's high school graduation, and honestly communication and contact had been mostly non existent (with the exception of BM's occasional meltdown over something stupid) since about the time YSD turned 16.
There were definitely many times when we fantasized about what we would say to her, how we would tell the kids *everything* and show them all the evidence we had of her lies and manipulation. But by the time they were actually adults, the worst of our anger had fizzled out. And then they started figuring out the truth for themselves as they spent less and less time with her. So now I'm really glad we didn't give into the temptation to unload because I think it would have just set her up to look like a victim (her favorite) and probably delayed the timeline of their epiphany.
I'll add that I'm not above
I'll add that I'm not above fantasizing, even though I'm not angry anymore. I happen to have undeniable evidence that BM has cheated on her husband and every once in a while, I'll be reminded of that and allow myself a few moments to picture telling him. I know for a fact he is the type that would divorce her immediately, no questions asked. And it would wreck her life, because she's never earned a livable wage in her life, so he's the one who pays for the nice house and cars that she has. I'm saving it though, because I know that one day she's going to pull something truly insane. Probably when one of the girls gets married or has a baby. And when that happens, I'm going to drop my little grenade and walk away smiling.
Oh, I have that image of
Oh, I have that image of Angela Bassett walking away from the flaming car! *bomb*
We have some "goods" on BM here, too. But I've also come to the conclusion that nothing would alter the skids' worshipping of her. She really has created a cult.
Still, what's the saying? Never try to destroy someone else's life with a lie when yours could be destroyed with the truth.
If you let her BS
Go on for years. That leaves you in a unwinable place. You life with out SK is the future. Besides they divorced, no need to talk to the one you divorced.
Not a dumb game at all.
It is part of the healing process. The more you invest in planning your future, the shorter the recovery period when you wake up one day as empty nesters.
Life is lived facing the future while living in the present. The past is a lesson. Take the lessons, live your best now, and focus on an outstanding tomorrow.
IMHO of course.
CS finally ended
after almost two decades last January. CS goes to 21 here mandatory. The HousesHitter turned 22 last week.
Chef's ferals all PASed out between 2008 and 2009 never hearing from them again (knock on wood).
Congratulations on your raise and getting COd extortion ended.
They've been gone for 15+ years and now are no longer a financial impact on your life.
Though we were the CP side, the age out from under the CO was a watershed for us as well. A cold turkey end to any place in our lives or consideration at all for the blended family opposition.. Sadly, the kids that are in part a product of the toxic side, are rarely completely free of the shallow and polluted end of their own gene pool even when they recognized the toxic side for what they are and escaped for the most part. The worst is when the shallow and polluted end remains a part of their lives. Even then, there is baggage that may last their entire lifes. My fear is that is the case for my own son. His mom and I fear that above just about anything.